Sad and lonely or content and introverted?

[Anonymous]

I can't decide which I am. I know I am introverted. I prefer to stay at home and hang out than to go out to busy areas full of people. I do like going out in theory but often much prefer spending time with my husband at home, when it comes down to it. I also married my HS sweetheart so I feel like I've never felt particularly pressed to make friends - I always have a companion. I've went through various social phases but for the past few years I have really become more introverted and don't have hardly any friends. I have lots of acquaintances but almost no friends that I would feel comfortable calling up and asking to hang out.

Some days I feel totally content with this and fine being introverted.

Other days it makes me sad and lonely. I feel like I am always an outsider, looking in. I think I am nice. I am a good person. I do lots of volunteer work. I have an interesting life and backstory. I don't dominate conversations but do speak up. I don't think I am annoying. But I just feel like nobody ever seems to seek out a friendship with me. Like something is wrong with me.

Can anyone else relate?

[Anonymous]

I could have written the same thing. I'm not shy; I can be the life of a party, but I am completely exhausted after most social engagements. I am happier staying at home with DH. But then I wish that I did have more close friends, even though I know I don't really have the energy for it. I'm also not that good at maintaining friendships.

These days, I do force myself to do a couple social things a week, and I've been forcing myself to be more social at work, even though my comfort zone is not to be. For a while after I went back to work after maternity leave, things were so hectic that I was completely anti-social. I felt like I could just continue on that path and become a hermit, so I do make myself email and call friends and make plans a few times a month. It feels forced, but I'm hoping I will feel more natural about it soon.

It's challenging because I don't really like letting people in, and I know I don't want the super close relationships that I see some people having. It's a hard balance to strike. Good luck, OP!

[Anonymous]

20:27 here - I don't mean that I don't want close friendships, just that most anything social really tires me out, so it's tough for me to maintain.

[Anonymous]

OP, I too can relate. I am introverted as well but was consider to be extravert growing up but it wasn't true I guess.
Husband is 100% home body type and it has effected me in many ways. I think I am becoming more comfortable being at home and going anyway (party, school events, meeting up with friends, extended family gatherings or company parties) are annoying to me but when I do get there and done with then I generally feel good about it! But each and every time is work and something I drag and never look forward to...I need help maybe?

I do have friends but I never try to call or do anything more than what is expected. I am okay with that because I know there are people I can hang out with if I "really" wanted to but choose not to...it helps to have a few old buddies and couple new friends. I also do talk to people at work but don't necessarily hang out with after work. In short, I have different group of folks I talk to on a regular basis helps me not feel sad or lonely.

Yes, I watch other people with SO many friends and everything comes so easy to them and I wondered how and why I am not like them. I do admire those traits in other people just like you would admire beautiful or great looking/smart and talkative people but then the reality kicks in. As I get older I am learning to accept myself and I feel okay with who I am slowly but surely I don't hate myself for not being who I wish I can be and that is small victory for me!

[Anonymous]

I am the same way. It is nice to know people like us exist. I wish their was a support group for us. Something like "Friends when we feel like it". I have only found one friend that can put up with me. After 17 years we she understands and is fine with me not being a regular "lets get together friend" I see her once a month and we have a great time. That is all I need out of a friendship. We talk on the phone a few times a week. My DH is my best friend, and my kids take up any additional free time.

[Anonymous]

I can relate as well. The "friends when we feel like it" hits home, kind of like a cat. I hang out with my friends like 2 or 1 times a year -- these are friends I made ages ago. I feel like most of the time my "social cup" is full just with DH, kids, and acquaintances from the kids's lives/activities.

But, yes, sometimes I do go through the lonely phase.

OP, see if the lonely phase hits during PMS time. It might be that.

[Anonymous]

OK, define "introvert". When I see that I think of the MBTI and introverted in the sense that you get your energy from ideas, memories and reactions internally, inside your head; and you prefer to do things alone or with one or two other people among other traits, etc. Is that what you're thinking OP or do you have another definition of introvert? I am an introvert as defined by the MBTI but once I realized and embraced it I am comfortable with taking a LOT of time for myself to think, reflect, and be creative in my mind although I enjoy getting out to do things, I have to pace myself. And oh, don't have a lot of friends either, but know of one or two that I can truly count on when push comes to shove and that's all I need.

BIL on the other hand is an extrovert as defined by the MBTI and he's exhausting to be around! I usually cut our visits short (we are local) using our 18 mo as an excuse but still, he wears me out just being near him!

[Anonymous]

I am the same way. Many times it makes me feel like I am missing out on some part of life that others seem to enjoy so much.

[Anonymous]

I am the same way OP. It was a year ago that I accepted that I prefer not to socialize a lot and that there is nothing wrong with that.

I am content to see friends very occasionally. Also, frankly since I became a mother and have very young children, the only company I want in my free time is my own.

[Anonymous]

I was always an extrovert, OP. I am still so around the right people. Since living in D.C., I am more of an introvert. There is nothing wrong with it, it's just that kind of place. D.C. doesn't seem especially welcome to extroverts, they think you want something. Sad but true.

[Anonymous]

Metro is a great place for extroverted loud talkers. I see (hear) that all the time!

[Anonymous]

I am definitely more introverted. Most people find it hard to believe when they first meet me, but I think it's mostly me having to adapt to a very social world. I can only take about 3 hours tops in large gatherings. One on one, or in small groups, I am much more comfortable. I think for me, it's because I can have a bit more meaningful conversation in that type of setting rather than superficial small talk. I am also totally drained after a large social gathering.

I am not lonely by any means. I have a wonderful husband and son, close friends who have known me for a long time and family. I don't know many other introverts. Most of my other friends are extroverts, but they get me and know when I need my space.

[Anonymous]

I'm the same way. I don't collect friends. I'm happiest with my husband and one or two close friends. I wish I were more extroverted though. I recently told my husband I was introverted -- although of course he knew it -- it felt liberating in a way to say it. He is the one who makes friends with the neighbors, learns the new people's names. And I feel like I just have to accept this is me.

[Anonymous]

I feel that way sometimes, OP. I don't actively seek out chances to hang out with friends, and after a day around people I like to go home and have time to recharge. I also can be shy on top of being an introvert which doesn't help. I sometimes have trouble approaching people or initiating conversations and I've noticed more and more that I'm often left out of everybody else's social circles. Sometimes I'm ok with that, but sometimes not.

This article hit home for me:
http://www.queenalpo.com/living_la_vida_alpo/2011/05/why-im-okay-being-a-terrible-friend.html