meh marriage- stay or go? would love perspective of those on this forum

[Anonymous]

I'm almost 38 and have been married for 6 years with 5 yo and 3 yo DDs. I'm really struggling because since day 1 DH and i haven't been a good match- I comprimised and looked over a lot because I wanted to get married. Stupid, I know but i can't change the past. DH and i have had a very rough 6 years where we go through cycles of fighting and then just kinda co-existing. We don't really enjoy each other's company and we haven't had sex in 3 years and i honestly don't want to. I'm not attracted to him because of the years of arguing and i'm definitely checked out. I am 100% confident we would have already been divorced if we didn't have the kids. But, we do and I'm left honestly wondering if i should stick it out in this marriage or if i should get a divorce now? DH is a great dad and he spends time with the girls, it's us (me and DH) that can't seem to get back on the same page, or even book for that matter in order to make our marriage work. We usually do not argue/fight infront of the kids. When they are around, we are completely focused on them but when they go to bed, we just go our different ways and don't interact.

For those of you that have been married for a while... did you stay in the marriage because of the kids and if so, how did you deal with the lonliness, disappointment and overall feeling of wasting away...

[Anonymous]

Have you tried marriage counseling? So many people have been married for years and can make it special in the later years after the kids are a little older. It takes a real concerted effort though to get back on track.
Make weekly date nights, make an effort to at least try for some sex, try little outings together that are different, like rock climbing, hiking, something you don't normally do together to try and make things fun again.
If he is a great dad, and it sounds like he is, that is a wonderful trait.
Marriage isn't easy, throw in kids and it takes it to a whole new level.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I'm 39 and I can say that there were times in the marriage that I felt this way as well. Things have ebbed and flowed though. We mostly co-exist. But we don't really fight. We're both too passive-aggressive for that. But what we've come to understand is that we both share responsibilities that are being taken for granted. I take for granted that he makes a very decent living for us and is a good father to the kids. He takes for granted that I do everything around the house.

It's definitely tough to work on your marital problems when there are kids to take care of. I guess we always put our marriage second to parenting.

I cannot tell you what to do, nor do I really have advice for you other than to tell your husband that you desperately need to have a heart to heart about the marriage. It seems that both of you need to speak and be heard. Then perhaps, you can make a better decision. Perhaps that talk with re-inspire the two of you to ignite the flame of your marriage again. Or perhaps he feels the same way as you and doesn't know how to approach you. Either way, it needs to be discussed.

I wish you the best of luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you considered that your husband may make the decision for you? I'm not yet 50+ myself, but I've seen the 50 yr old husband walk the minute Amanda is safely in college -so- many times.

I can think of 3 such households on my block alone.

Anyway, just a data point as you mull this very difficult topic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm almost 38 and have been married for 6 years with 5 yo and 3 yo DDs. I'm really struggling because since day 1 DH and i haven't been a good match- I comprimised and looked over a lot because I wanted to get married. Stupid, I know but i can't change the past. DH and i have had a very rough 6 years where we go through cycles of fighting and then just kinda co-existing. We don't really enjoy each other's company and we haven't had sex in 3 years and i honestly don't want to. I'm not attracted to him because of the years of arguing and i'm definitely checked out. I am 100% confident we would have already been divorced if we didn't have the kids. But, we do and I'm left honestly wondering if i should stick it out in this marriage or if i should get a divorce now? DH is a great dad and he spends time with the girls, it's us (me and DH) that can't seem to get back on the same page, or even book for that matter in order to make our marriage work. We usually do not argue/fight infront of the kids. When they are around, we are completely focused on them but when they go to bed, we just go our different ways and don't interact.

For those of you that have been married for a while... did you stay in the marriage because of the kids and if so, how did you deal with the lonliness, disappointment and overall feeling of wasting away...

Yes, you should. But you know that already.

[Anonymous]

"For those of you that have been married for a while... did you stay in the marriage because of the kids and if so, how did you deal with the lonliness, disappointment and overall feeling of wasting away... "

Affairs, smoking, drugs, drinking, obesity.....

[Anonymous]

Are you better off with him or better off without him? There is security even in a bad marriage but don't both of you deserve to be with someone you love and who loves you? It's a long life in a loveless marriage. You may not argue in front of your children but children know if their parents are happy. Good luck in whatever you choose.

[Anonymous]

I wish my parents had divorced when I was young. I think it would have helped my brother not go down the wrong path. Kids know. If it is bad for you, it is bad for them. But, try counseling first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish my parents had divorced when I was young. I think it would have helped my brother not go down the wrong path. Kids know. If it is bad for you, it is bad for them. But, try counseling first.

Divorce truly does stink but it would be easier when the kids are young. If you are on the same page with your husband about the kids i.e. discipline, morals and values ... you will be okay. I know a couple like this, terrible divorce but they both are a great front for their kids.

In the meantime is there anything you two do like and click on? i.e. Movies? Make yourself go on a date at least evo week, can discuss the kids, news and then lead into yourself and feelings. Definitely try counseling, you cannot leave a marriage without doing that first. And work on yourself... what you would do if you weren't in this marriage to support yourself. Happiness is important, fight for it whether you stay or go.

[Anonymous]

If you function as a stable two parent family, then stay. If things get dysfunctional where you're modeling that behavior to your kids, then go. I know a family where the wife and husband haven't had sex for 10 years, youngest is 11, and they function as a "happy family" and are a good team for raising kids. Will probably divorce when kids are out. You have to put your kids' needs first and they need a stable home.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Are you working? Have money of your own from before the marriage that's yours?
I'm divorced and the finances of maintaining two homes for a family are brutal.
Not a reason not to leave, but a consideration. Also divorce really diminishes children's net worth, a remarriage and more children (often the father) even more so.
Myth: Divorce is always tough, it might be easier when the children are older. There is always a transition, I don't think you can say one way or the other.
Legal fees: Attorneys in DC are charging $425 an hour.
If your husband wants joint custody, it's his. 50-50. Every other Christmas, every other Thanksgiving, waking up to an empty home half the time, even on your children's birthday.
In my book, you are exchanging one set of problems for another. Divorce with children is complicated.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I wasn't clear on this. The myth, at least to me, is that it's easier when the children are younger. I'm not sure. My child was three, it took years to sort out.