Need concrete actions to take during divorce to stop hating my ex-husband and move on

[Anonymous]

I could really use some suggestions for what to do about all this anger and bitterness I harbor toward him. Nutshell: he cheated more than once, he is a narcissist, is verbally and emotionally abusive, and I filed for divorce and do not regret leaving the marriage. The divorce is ugly, of course, with him being a narcissist he simply can't admit his role in the adultery and abuse and settle. He is livid I'm leaving and somehow it's me who is destroying the family and our kids' lives. That comes with the territory when dealing with a narcissist, I know...

It's just hard when I get my zen going in my own home with the kids, and something like a nasty email or phone call, or not showing up with the kids on time can push all those buttons and get my blood boiling in under 10 seconds flat. In my head, I can forgive him for being so utterly broken and bankrupt emotionally that he isn't capable of maintaining a healthy relationship. But when he lashes out and concocts some hare-brained web of lies that the kids' crying jags are my doing or that he's going to take the kids from me and not pay any child support... or that he's going to marry the next 30-something that comes along and replace me with the kids - - I just zoom right into Hate-Land again, and usually lose my temper along the way.

I don't like the way he can yank my chain like he used to. I want, no NEED, to be free of his influence on my emotions and not wish him ill or dead anymore. I know I'm not perfect and I can't live with myself hating someone whom my kids love. I must forgive him, but what do you do when steam is coming out of your ears and all that inner peace went pfffft?

Any tips on not reacting to drama, minimizing interactions, advice on communication styles, getting into a calm state of mind when you're livid, etc?

[Anonymous]

You need to come up with some calming techniques that will work for you when your ex is trying to get under your skin...and that is what's he's doing...acheiving his objective every time you get angry and lash out. Try to come up with some pat responses to his nasty comments, threats, accusations...something like,"suffice it to say, we disagree." NOT engaging with him when he baits you is the best thing you can do for your own emotional well-being.

As for the threats that relate to your children (child support, "replacing" you, etc.) document, document, document. Even consider recording. If he's truly a narcissist it's difficult to estimate how far he will take certain issues to "win." And I'm guessing when he gets a rise out of you these days, waht sets you off is the fear that what he's threatening will happen, even when you know what he's saying is proposterous.

I'm sorry for your anguish, OP. Best of luck.

[Anonymous]

In the same boat but I was the one trying to hold on - my kids have some SN and with a divorce there won't be enough money or time for the kind of interventions they have had that have helped. I am terrified that they will lose their progress, the experts have been thrilled and extended care (I currently work PT) is not recommended for their medical needs. Same scenario with STB ex except the latest affair is continuing. His other woman was such a stellar mom that she has the kids one night a week and a day every other weekend. He makes himself scarce those times, he claims "kids are overrated". We've tried counseling but he is not responsible for anything and the therapist usually gives up on him and focuses on my behavior which to him validates his view. If I change a laundry list of things then he might...uh, do the exact same things. Same everything is due to me, it's my trying to talk to him about the negative impacts I fear that is the problem, not the divorce that will cause those negative impacts. I have to read up on this narcisim thing, sounds like it might explain a lot. Fear is definitely driving my reactivity but it doesn't change anything. For minimizing conflict I strongly urge basically no contact with you. Try to communicate as minimally as possible in things that establish a record, like email. Even records of what he says won't impact support or visitation so I just wouldn't create opportunities for him to talk. No calls except in an emergency. If pick up and drop off can be at school, with a sitter or neighbor, more the better.

[Anonymous]

First, please consider seeing a counselor. Second, here's what I'm doing now: when my STBXH starts in with his anxiety driven crap my only reply is, "I regret that you feel that way and I will consider discussing this more when you are ready to talk in a calm and rational manner." I simply repeat myself until he starts saying something different. I make sure I breathe deeply and tell myself that this man is no longer in charge of how I feel. It may sound silly, but it's working for me. GL, OP. I definitely feel you on the anger and bitterness front.

[Anonymous]

Here's a technique that may help, depending on where you can take yourself mentally. Have you tried visualization?

Start taking his threats to an extreme. Imagine him gloating, in lounge wear with a tacky new sports car and a 70s-style medallion swinging in front of the patches of chest hair peaking out from his fancy new silk shirt... Blow him up larger-than-life, technicolor! Enjoy the hard plastic breasts of his 20-something new wife, the stunned mockery of his peers, the shrinking horizon of his pitiful life...

I think about the Next Woman my soon-to-be-ex will find and occasionally smirk about it.

Remember the defense technique taught in one of the Harry Potter movies (hey, don't judge!) when the scary thing in the wardrobe would take the form of whatever the person feared most? They had to visualize the ridiculous. This crippled the scary thing. Why not try the same with STB Ex?

Our situations are very different though, in two very meaningful ways, so maybe it's easier for me to do this with distance: 1) XH's style is guilt-tripping and non-communication, not violent confrontation, and 2) we don't depend on whatever money he decides to contribute.

In addition to placing his overblown threats into perspective, how about not opening emails? Is this an option or are they actually informative or important? Sounds like they are just vehicles for punishment, better left unopened. Also, do you have child support in place legally? Might wanna lock that in so that the threats can then melt into "oh well, then we'll just have to have his wages garnished...fa la la..." and you can get back to the business of everyday life.

Something I started telling my XH is "just because you can't see it doesn't mean it isn't true." He had a lot of power when we operated as if he needed to sign off on every belief I had about what went wrong in our relationship. Sounds like you are also operating to some extent from within his narcissistic web. It doesn't matter what he says, these are just empty, ridiculous words with no power (except what you give them).

The most powerful weapons I've acquired in the last few months: a shrug, silence, and "well, that's your choice." This came after soooooooooo much wasted energy trying to explain things to him (so that he could see how things fell apart, so he could see how important certain things were to the children, so...whatever). Shrug. Silence. "Well, that's your choice."

I would NOT find a therapist. Counseling a narcissist is tough stuff, better to focus on moving forward. A narcissist is determined to mire you down and stagnate. Assuming you already have a highly-competent lawyer, find a Life Coach and get on with your life, my dear.

Living well is the BEST REVENGE. Go thrive. It'll kill him.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Minimize contact and keep it to writing. Make it clear that you won't talk under ANY circumstances - he can text you if there's an emergency.

When writing, write one draft in which you get to say whatever you feel like. Then put it away for at least a few hours. Come back and edit it down only to what MUST be communicated as a practical matter.

The biggest category of things that need not be communicated is "why he's wrong about me." You're done with him, so his understanding of you is of no value to you.

Whether you're a believer or not (I'm not), look at the prayer of St. Francis. Bring forgiveness where there is wrong and love where there is hatred. It's better to understand than to be understood. Etc. Those ideas are for you and your kids, not for him.

Forgive yourself for being angry. He's a dick. You can't control your initial emotional reaction, though you can control your actions.

Forgive yourself for your imperfection in controlling your actions as well. It's hard, and you'll get better at it if you keep trying.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

This is counter-intuitive, but I'd suggest you go with that anger rather than trying to bury it. Do it productively (e.g., not in front of the kids), but stop trying to forgive the guy or to "be at peace" with his ridiculous and continuing bad behavior. He's an *sshole and he keeps acting like an *sshole and it doesn't make you a bad person to say so. Look, I understand why you don't want to be angry anymore, but he's giving you plenty of reason to be. Trying to pretend he's not will only cause you to hold all this crap inside, and that's what's making you short-tempered.

FWIW - I just went through something similar with a former friend, who was also a narcissist and whom I dumped because after 10 years of getting crapped on I couldn't take it anymore. I tried so hard to be the bigger person through it all and not resort to name calling or to let my anger get the best of me. She responded by lying about me all over town and posting those lies on her blog. The more I tried to ignore it, the more obsessed I became with what she was saying and doing. My therapist (yes, I think you should have one) told me it was ok to call this gal a b*tch and that it didn't make me any less of a person to call a spade a spade. So, I trashed her to my therapist and then I set up a limited-readership blog and trashed her all over it. IT FELT SO DARN GOOD, and I was finally able to begin to let it go. Now when she trashes me on her public blog (she still does, nearly a year later) it bugs me for about 2 hours and I move on.

So, I say you should find a safe place to let that anger out and then let it rip! Don't try to be at peace with this crap, it's awful, feel free to yell! Eventually, he will move on to other things and so will you, but until it gets better, go with it.

[Anonymous]

Cognitive behavioral therapy. Its short term and focused on giving you tools to think about situations in a healthier way for you, and to relieve stress.

[Anonymous]

From my own experience with a similarly infuriating ex, I have found that refusing to engage seems to work. No matter what ridiculous things come out of his mouth or how obnoxious his behavior, I try to remain calm and say something like "I'm sorry you feel that way". It takes work and I am not always successful, but it has helped me not to blow a gasket every time I have to see or speak with him. It became easier once I realized that he actually seemed to enjoy seeing me reduced to screaming or tears. Not sure what is at work there but I decided I didn't want to play that game anymore.

[Anonymous]

10:44 Bad advice. I'm assuming this is joint custody. If so and you refuse to talk, he could argue alienation. My advice: Talk but disconnect emotionally. Limit the conversations. End any conversations if they get abusive or cross a line. Not talking could mean hours on email. Emails also disembody and dehumanize.

Divorce with children is really tough. My ex is a piece of work. Also a narcissist.

OP, maybe forget about forgiving him right now and deal with more immediate stuff like not letting him get to you. My ex is so controlling and mean, it used to devastate me for days, then hours, now minutes! THERE IS HOPE.

[TheManWithAUsername]

Anonymous wrote:10:44 Bad advice. I'm assuming this is joint custody. If so and you refuse to talk, he could argue alienation.

What? Based on her refusal to talk with him? He can still speak to the kids.

Anonymous wrote:My advice: Talk but disconnect emotionally. Limit the conversations. End any conversations if they get abusive or cross a line.

But that's exactly what she's having trouble with. Easier said than done.

[Anonymous]

For marital advice I would go elsewhere than DCUM to be honest- I came here at first while discovering betrayal- but there are other forums better suited to help you through this.

[Anonymous]

PP here- example is the man with no user name or whatever- talk to people who have dealt with what you are dealing with- here it's just a bunch of loose cannons just saying whatever they want anonymously- talk to people who are there - not these "well if this happened to me i would.." BS- there are quite a few sites to help different stages of relationships..

[Anonymous]

I would suggest therapy for your self. I haven't divorced my cheating DH, so not quite in your shoes, but I needed therapy for me.

I also find The Work of Byron Katie really useful - thework.com. She's written a few books (available on amazon, etc) and her processes have helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Here's another visualization exercise, at least for after he's gone and you're trying to calm down. Close your eyes (its nice if you can sit down in a quiet place for a few minutes, but with your kids you may not be able to do that immediately) and picture a large box, and then picture yourself picking up your ex, placing him in the box, and closing the lid. (You could even get a hammer and nails and seal him in.) Then picture the box receding more and more into the distance until it is nothing but a little tiny spec. He's gone, out of your life, at least for the moment.