Forum Index
»
Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
verbal abuse
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I have a very smart, but very angry, spouse.
For a year he has been unloading in major rants on me, often in front of our toddler. We have been in couples therapy since child was born and these rages began. He has been in anger management therapy and it has reduced the frequency. But I cannot live like this, and I don't desire my child to be raised in a home like this. So I have been urging him to move out. This has made things m.u.c.h. worse. He's now verbally escalating to a new plateau. He is a very smart guy and knows a lot about the law (I have begun cynically to wonder if he had problems in a prior relationship?): does not touch me, calms down immediately if someone else arrives, but has smashed a tape recorder when he caught me taping him, etc. Verbal abuse does not have the same protection (and I can understand why) as physical abuse. My divorce attorney is loathe to have me move out with my child; attorney feels I will set myself up for abduction charges and a new level of messiness. Attorney recommends continuing to fight to get my husband to move out and of course to call the police if it ever ever escalates to physical violence, which I personally don't think it ever will. I'm very anxious about what to do. I can't get a restraining order; I tried earlier today because things were so bad. I am not supposed to leave with my child. I can't sleep at night. I am desperately hoping he will leave soon, but he's so angry and so mean and the verbal attacks are endless... I dread the long weekend. Today was horrible, with morning screaming about how I'm selfish, destroying the family, well, I'm going to destry you, you'll never see your child again, selfish people get what they deserve, you are not worthy of your child until I got my child dressed and in the stroller and fled the house for the playground. But we had to come back and there he was, pacing around, leaning over me, you're such a bitch, you're excluding me from our child's life, i can't believe you're so selfish, you're such a bitch... I truly don't feel I can abandon my child to this; and I worry I'll never get custody if I leave. I'm desperate for help. My mother is dead, otherwise, I'd beg her move in with me until he moves out, just to force him into normal behavior. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate. |
Anonymous
| Fight fire with fire. Every time he is verbally abusive, do it back to him. Yell and scream and demean. |
Anonymous
Not good. That might escalate to her getting punched. |
Anonymous
Then she can get a restraining order and he'd have to move out. And she can also press charges and use this against him in the divorce proceedings. |
Anonymous
Baaaaad advice. |
Anonymous
|
Where's his mother? Talk to her. Get a prescription for Xanax. Seriously. And a new lawyer. And a better system for recording this dangerous asshole. Access domestic violence services. They will have much better advice for you. |
Anonymous
| Honestly, I'd lie and say it's already that bad. All it takes is a smack to count and that wouldn't leave a mark. |
Anonymous
You'd lie? Is this what you teach your children. OP, do not lie! Call a battered women's hot line and ask about verbal abuse because it is just as bad as physical abuse. I would think that throwing a tape recorder is an act of violence. Good luck to you and please do not lie as this could make hime much worse. |
Anonymous
| OP, talk to your child's pediatrician. If he's doing this in front of the toddler it may be considered abuse, especially if it's affecting the child. The ped may have some resources for you. |
Anonymous
|
OP,
Abduction? Where do you live? That doesn't sound right. I'd consult another lawyer. I'm divorced, my child was young when we split, many divorces get this intense. Hang in there. Get Zoloft or something for anxiety. |
Anonymous
I would call the non-emergency number for the police when this spirals out of control verbally. Your husband has to see that you are serious. If he is as smart as you say he is, he wouldn't dare touch you after the police have been involved. It might cool his jets verbally as well. |
Anonymous
I think this would be a good idea as well. It would also help create a record of him being verbally abusive. |
Anonymous
|
Call the Domestic Violence Hotline NOW. This man sounds crazy and who knows what he will escalate to. You and your child need to be safe, no matter what your lawyer says. Please call them now for advice on what to do to preserve your parental rights while protecting yourself and your baby. And start documenting everything. Good luck.
http://www.thehotline.org/ 1-800-799-SAFE |
TheManWithAUsername
Member Offline
Member Offline
|
None of this will be simple or easy. You have my sympathies.
I don't have a ton of experience in this area but I have some, and the idea that you'd be accused of abduction, etc., is ridiculous in my experience. Judges generally don't care what happens with custody informally before they get involved. There's nothing unusual about a woman leaving with the kids and allowing very little visitation until there's an order. Don't take that from me, though - get a second opinion, and perhaps a new lawyer as a result. Deliberately escalating things is insane advice. I'm pretty judgmental about lying, but I'd give you a pass in the interest of protecting your child - IF we're talking about real verbal abuse here. And I'm sure you can buy a tiny digital recorder for less than $100. |
Anonymous
|
Get another lawyer. Your lawyer is not serving your interests. You need an escape plan. The suggestion to call the domestic abuse hotline is a good one. It isn't just verbal. He is smashing things. not just verbal.
Do not lie. if this is new behavior and he wasn't like this before he could have an underlying medical disorder that is causing this. But you can't worry about that. You need to get out NOW for your sake and your child's sake. |