The Perils of Friendships in the Age of the Internet (rant/vent)

[Anonymous]

Several years ago I made friends with someone who was quite different from me in many ways. She was much younger, at a different point in her career and life, and we had very different dating lives (I had one, she didn't). We were both new to town though and enjoyed some of the same leisure activities and with nowhere else to turn, we became friends. Fast forward almost 10 years in time and a lifetime's worth of growing in different directions (and more than a few fights) and I finally got the gumption to pull the plug on the relationship. Since we are no longer in the same town (and in-person was impossible) and I didn't want her to have an e-mail that she could pass around to everyone she knows, I sent her a very carefully worded hand-written letter explaining that we'd just grown too far apart and that it was time to let it go. I tried super hard not to blame her or to say what I really think about her because I didn't want her to have my mean words replaying over and over again in her head. That would have been too cruel. So, I just chalked it up to "it's not you, it's me." (Sounds corny, like a real break-up, I know. But, she had had a friend dump her without explanation once and I heard about that woman at least once a week for 10 years! I thought it would be kinder to be up front about moving on but without shredding her in the process.) Anyway, that was in March. She responded in classic "her" form. She has posted all kinds of crap about me on her blog (half of it entirely untrue and half of it technically true but woefully out of context). There's a new ridiculous lie about me every couple of weeks. I have never responded to any of this crap, but it's so hard not to react when someone is out there on a public blog trashing and lying about you. (Please don't tell me not to read the blog - I know I should not, but you try ignoring something like that!) It's not like the whole world reads this thing and she's never used my name, but it still sucks. I guess this is just what happens to friendships, or former ones, in the age of the Internet. Has anyone else gone through something like this? When did it end? And how did it stop? Do I have ten years of this to look forward to?

[Anonymous]

Frankly, both of you sound a little off. Why didn't you just let it go without a long, or even short, explanation. There is an old saying that "someone comes into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." This is true but you don't write long letters explaining. Friendships just fade away. The woman does sound more than a little nuts, so, yes, you probably will have to endure this for a long time.

Do not, repeat, do not even try to answer anything she says as this will only encourage her. Learn from this and in the future, just let things like this run their natural course.

[Anonymous]

That's kinda weird. Next time, let that kind of "friend" (which she probably was not seeing how she is now trashing you) fade away -- unanswered email, texts etc.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you did the rightthing to dump her, she sounds quite immature.

You probably didn't need to send her the letter, but your rationale for sending it was kindly intended.

You did the best you could. The rest is all her. STOP reading the blog. Block it if you can't stop. There's no good that can come of reading it. Even if she said something identifying you by name, responding in any way would just be anotehr interaction with her, which you don't want to have.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, pp. The letter was kindly intended. She was so hurt for soooo long when that other gal dumped her using the fade away method that I couldn't just do that. (Although, in most circumstances, that is what I do too. Not that nutty.) Anyway, we're different enough that the friendship was unsustainable, but there was no call for cruelty. I was just trying to give her a clean break so we could both move on.

You're right that I should stop reading the blog. But, it's seriously, seriously hard when I know I'm being trashed. (And, in case it wasn't clear from my post, I have never nor would I ever, respond.) The only thing that's happening here is that I get hurt, and because it's the internet, that hurtful crap never goes away.

[Anonymous]

Either she is a nut or has a very sad, lonely life. Or both.

[Anonymous]

She sounds incredibly immature and super high drama. My guess is that anyone who reads her blog either knows this about her or will soon figure it out.

So do your best to let it go. I agree with the PP who said you should block the blog from your computer if you can't stop reading it. Also, every time you think about the blog and your former friend, explicitly remind yourself how lucky you are to have ended that relationship. Then take a deep breath. And just let it go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, pp. The letter was kindly intended. She was so hurt for soooo long when that other gal dumped her using the fade away method that I couldn't just do that. (Although, in most circumstances, that is what I do too. Not that nutty.) Anyway, we're different enough that the friendship was unsustainable, but there was no call for cruelty. I was just trying to give her a clean break so we could both move on.

You're right that I should stop reading the blog. But, it's seriously, seriously hard when I know I'm being trashed. (And, in case it wasn't clear from my post, I have never nor would I ever, respond.) The only thing that's happening here is that I get hurt, and because it's the internet, that hurtful crap never goes away.

You sound like a nice person. Don't give her this much power over your life.

You're only getting hurt because you're reading the blog. Stop reading and the pain will stop. Truly.

P.S. STOP. READING. THE. BLOG.

[Anonymous]

You guys are totally right, but seriously, if you were in this situation, could you stop?

How do you block websites anyway?

[Anonymous]

OP, I very kindly ended a lopsided friendship with a very needed woman several years ago. Found out last week that she's making up and spreading crazy rumors about me (with no basis in reality) to people I don't even know. It's an absolute statistical miracle that I ever found out bc I don't have Facebook and don't live anywhere near. Or have mutual friends with this former friend. I was pissed for a few hours and then realized that the lies she's spreading have no impact on me and that the truth will always come out, even if it takes a long time. Now you see that you did the absolute right thing in dumping her. I'd like to think we are good judges of character when we trust our instincts.

[Anonymous]

Needy*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I very kindly ended a lopsided friendship with a very needed woman several years ago. Found out last week that she's making up and spreading crazy rumors about me (with no basis in reality) to people I don't even know. It's an absolute statistical miracle that I ever found out bc I don't have Facebook and don't live anywhere near. Or have mutual friends with this former friend. I was pissed for a few hours and then realized that the lies she's spreading have no impact on me and that the truth will always come out, even if it takes a long time. Now you see that you did the absolute right thing in dumping her. I'd like to think we are good judges of character when we trust our instincts.

I wish I could feel this way. I guess it's that on some level I feel bad for dumping her (she's also very needy and I have a hard time not responding to that), so maybe I'm punishing myself??? You're definitely right about knowing we did the right thing in dumping them though!