Talking about safety with young children (3-5)

[Anonymous]

So far we've only gotten as far as, "If you ever get lost, find another mommy to help you," teaching the older one at least our phone number and address, and "nobody should touch your privates except mommy/daddy/doctor when mommy or daddy is there." Where do we go next?

In particular, I'm wondering how to address the question of people they know and people they don't know, but I'm not sure who goes in which category and how exactly to present the distinction and what it should mean for their behavior. I am entirely comfortable with some of their friends' parents and not so comfortable with others. I am entirely comfortable with their teachers and not so comfortable with teachers I don't know and in particular part-time aides. I am entirely comfortable with a woman who does a lot of work on our house; I am not so comfortable with a man who does outside work from time to time--but my kids of course feel that they know him and call out his name and try to run out to talk to him dressed only in their underwear.

I do not want my children to be fearful, and I recognize that the vast majority of people pose no danger to them at all, but I would like them to learn to establish boundaries and of course be safe.

Book suggestions are, of course, welcome. (I'm anticipating a slew of recommendations for "Protecting the Gift.") But given the pile of books by my bed, I would particularly appreciate hearing the specifics of how and when you addressed these issues, the language you used, how your children responded, things you would do differently, etc.

Thanks very much.

[Anonymous]

My DDs pre-school Tai Kwon Do teachers did a unit on Strangers. I wasn't there, but from what she reported and the materials that came home, the emphasis was on stangers that might try to trick you. They role played a stranger trying to lure you with candy or a puppy and talked about not being "tricked." They did not get into why a stranger might try to trick you and my daugther didn't ask.

I also attended a training on preventing sex abuse and there there was a wonderful social worker there who described her approach with gradeschool kids. She emphasized that every child should know that some good people do bad things and they need to know 3 safe people they can tell if anyone makes them feel uncomfortable or tries to give them a "bad touch." You talk about what a "bad touch" is and then role play -- "Is touching you on the shoulder a bad touch?" Answer "No." "Let's pretend that when I touch your shoulder I'm giving you a bad touch." Then you do it and coach your child to (1) protest and (2) tell somebody safe right away.

I've done this with my DD (5) and she'll now occassionally tell me to "stop touching my privates" if it pat her on the behind to get her moving. I think this is great!

When someone asked the facilitator about this scaring children, she said that kids won't be scared if you are matter-of-fact. You need to treat this just like you'd treat fire safety (hopefully we'll never have a fire but just in case here's our plan). If you don't project a lot of fear your kids won't think it's scary.

The other thing to emphasize is that No One is allowed to ask her to keep a secret from you. If they tell you something awful will happen if you tell me, they're lying and it's a trick.

[Anonymous]

bump

[Anonymous]

PP hs some good tips- there is this book taht covers all that and more called the Safe Child- I highly recommend it.. helps with introducing the concept of strangers and role playing- and as PP said- there are no secrets..

[Anonymous]

There is a good video called Safe Side Stranger Safety (I think that is the name). It helps teach kids about strangers, but in a fun and not scary manner. It came highly recommended on the DCUM list service. I think I bought our copy from Amazon.com.

[Anonymous]

a selective read of Protecting the Gift is well worth your time.

Teach your children to ask for help from strangers. He suggests having them practice this - he says that they should be told to ask women for help, as men are more likely to be abusers, and children cannot tell a police officer apart from a security guard

Tell your kids that they shouldn't touch anybody's private parts, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a selective read of Protecting the Gift is well worth your time.

Teach your children to ask for help from strangers. He suggests having them practice this - he says that they should be told to ask women for help, as men are more likely to be abusers, and children cannot tell a police officer apart from a security guard

Tell your kids that they shouldn't touch anybody's private parts, either.

Stupid question here - my child is just three. How do you really introduce the notion of "private parts?"

[Anonymous]

We say they are the parts of your body that is covered by a bathing suit. We actually get a little more detailed (bottom, vagina - where the pee pee comes out), but I think the bathing suit explanation is a pretty good one and easy for them to understand. Especially this time of year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We say they are the parts of your body that is covered by a bathing suit. We actually get a little more detailed (bottom, vagina - where the pee pee comes out), but I think the bathing suit explanation is a pretty good one and easy for them to understand. Especially this time of year.

Thank you - very helpful!

[Anonymous]

We were pretty specific about which body parts, to reduce the risk of confusion (penis, scrotum, butt, anus). We also talked about "confusing touches" along with good touch and bad touch. E.g., a rub that feels a little icky, tickling when you don't want it, etc.

[Anonymous]

We started watching the Safe Side Super Chick DVD which is a video made by John Walsh and Julie Aigner Clark (Baby Einstein) about Safe Side Adults, Don't Knows, and Kinda Knows. You can order it from Amazon and it is a good jumping off point.

The worst part about any of the safety talking is knowing that the overwhelming majority of abuse is perpetrated by family members. We don't have a large family so it has not been a huge issue for us, but in families of several siblings per parent, their spouses or bf/gf, cousins, grand parents, step families, etc that could be quite a minefield for discussion.