single motherhood by choice?

[Anonymous]

Hi there,
Was looking for opinions on this subject:

My cousin is 21, graduating from a 4 year university in 6 months and wants to have a baby. She has made it clear over the years that she is not really interested in getting married but has always wanted to be a mother. She is a nanny and photographer currently (with a lot of financial stabilitiy, lucky her) and she is looking to use a donor sperm bank to get pregnant within the next couple months. Would you support this? My family is having a hard time grasping this and i'm just looking for a little insight on what others would think.

[Anonymous]

I am an S trying-to-be M by C. Part of me is thinking, wow, I wish I had tried to do this when I was 21 rather than now, at age 40, because it should would have been easier.

But my first thought is, no. Not because I think single motherhood in itself is so awful, or that she must be married. But she's hardly had a chance to experience the world as a single, unattached person yet. She should graduate. Get a job, an apartment, roommates that she loves or hates, a lover or two (or three,) travel, experience the world. There's nothing wrong (and her eggs will still be viable) with going for this at, say, age 25 or 26. And i think those experiences will help her be a better mother.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her to wait a while. What's the rush?

[Anonymous]

Great idea...but wait...would be my advice. One changes SOOOOO much between 21 and 30.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an S trying-to-be M by C. Part of me is thinking, wow, I wish I had tried to do this when I was 21 rather than now, at age 40, because it should would have been easier.

But my first thought is, no. Not because I think single motherhood in itself is so awful, or that she must be married. But she's hardly had a chance to experience the world as a single, unattached person yet. She should graduate. Get a job, an apartment, roommates that she loves or hates, a lover or two (or three,) travel, experience the world. There's nothing wrong (and her eggs will still be viable) with going for this at, say, age 25 or 26. And i think those experiences will help her be a better mother.

I am a SMC and I agree with this advice.

[Anonymous]

I am 43 and have been ttc #1 as a single person (donor sperm.) I have been at it for 3+ years. I am not saying to wait until 40 like I did, but 21 is INSANE!!!! What is the rush? She should take this time to travel, work on career, or whatever else she likes to do. She has a good 10 years before her bio clock will even be an issue (lucky her, I am jealous!)... and even then she will only be barely in her 30's.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not.

And hopefully she'll come to her senses about getting married first, too. 21 is very young to swear that off.

[Anonymous]

She is waaay too young. Needs to wait at least until late 20's to make that kind of decision. The child is not a pet. Really, how will she actually be able to care for/raise a child? A nanny and photographer? She can support herself.

[Anonymous]

I'm a single mother in her 40s and agree with everything just said. What is the rush? 21 is way too young to have a child, married or not. Tell her to just enjoy being young. Having a child is a wonderful thing, but it changes your life completely. I'm a better mother now in my 40s than I would have been in my 20s because I got to experience life first. Because of that, I have so much more to give and teach my child. She has plenty of time.

[Anonymous]

I would want to hear more about her pre-baby bucket list first. How many stamps in her passport? How many photo exhibits or awards? What sorts of goals does she have laid out professionally, financially, emotionally, whatnot?

What could she invest in the next couple of years that would make motherhood at 23 that much more rewarding?

I wouldn't start off with a "no" or questioning her ability to make this decision. I'd approach her from the perspective of helping her do what she clearly wants to do in the way that will serve her best in the long run.

[Anonymous]

PP has a nice way to approach this. The drive for motherhood is strong (as those of us on this board can attest to) and it's presumptuous to say that a 21-year-old doesn't know her own feelings. But I think it is fair to ask the kind of "bucket-list" questions that have been mentioned.