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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Am I crazy to consider reconciliation with a nutty, cheating husband?
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Anonymous
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My husband and I are finishing up our divorce paperwork. I left him last year after I found out he had sex with two strangers. Both of us agree the affairs were prompted by mutual unhappiness in the marriage and our mutual weaknesses in communication, but they obviously show an appalling lack of judgment and impulse control. For me, the affairs were the last straw: he had not been a good financial partner, was really difficult to make decisions with, was snappish and selfish. To be fair, I was difficult too.
Since the split, he's been trying everything to get us back together, including offering couples counseling and doing lots of therapy himself. He's been extremely nice and pleasant to deal with on custody of our DD, and is very fearful that the divorce will damage her. He's also been trying to reform many of the things that drove me crazy, like his messiness. He's changed his approach to work and is looking for a good paying job. (Although at this point he has no alternative.) He makes me gifts. He's done all this even though I've been 100% clear I'm done with the marriage. My therapist and all my family understandably don't trust him, and want me to stay far, far away, and believe he's unstable or maybe even has a borderline personality disorder. I actually believe that too. I'm definitely going through with the divorce so I have some financial independence from him, but there is part of me that still loves him and doesn't want to move on, and is upset at the dismantling of the family. I don't know if I'm a crazy co-dependent, or too cowardly to build a new life. And I don't respect him or trust his judgment, so I can't figure out why I'm still conflicted about moving on. I'm posting this here and not in the relationships forum because I'm not interested in hearing all the crap from bitter moms stuck in marriages they hate and trying to justify it by telling everyone else they need to stick it out. I'm hoping some of you may have had similar experiences or feelings and can help me figure out why I'm so ambivalent about a divorce that on paper makes 100% sense. |
Anonymous
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I've never been in your situation so maybe what I'm going to say won't count for much, but from what you write it may sound like your DH deserves a second chance. I have to qualify this by saying that I'm in the camp that looks at this kind of situation very differently when there is a child involved vs. when there isn't. True, his infidelities were rash and unacceptable behavior, but from what you say it's not like he was a casual cheater with nothing to complain about in your marriage.
It does sound like he's genuinely concerned about your DD's welfare and trying to make amends, if only for her sake. You say your family thinks he has a personality disorder, but what are they basing this on, other than his infidelity followed by his new conciliatory attitude? Unless there are other clues, the fact that someone did something unacceptable and was a douche bag and is now trying to change doesn't indicate a personality disorder, just a willingness to change. Did you even try couples' therapy before you left him? If you still love him, is there a way for you to at least "postpone" the divorce and see if you can make this work on a trial basis? |
Anonymous
| Yes |
Anonymous
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Sex with strangers is very different from falling in love with another woman or having an intense emotional as well as physical affair with one.
I'd give it a try. I know so many long marriages that survived affairs, serious emotional affairs, not wham bam thank you mam pokes as these seem to be. |
Anonymous
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Have you actually gone to counseling with him yet? I'd start there. You need to figure out if he has truly changed, or if he is going to slip back into a comfortable place once you take him back. You also need to rebuild trust and respect, and if you can't, the marriage will likely fall apart again.
Why would you want to take him back if you have already done all the mental and emotional work to end it? What will he bring to you in the long term? What is good about him? Will it stay good? |
Anonymous
| OP, of course you love him, you loved him once, he is why your dd is who she is. Feeling affection is normal in that situation. As for whether or not a marriage can work, are you both willing to change so as to lessen the impact on each other? You mention he is messy, is this "Oh no, he left a dish in the sink" or is it to the level of hoarding? It's also difficult to tell how you feel about his sex with strangers. Do you view it as bad judgement because you were married, or would this bother you in anybody. If you weren't in a relationship with him, would you view it as "Boys will be boys, Bob sure has some great stories" or would you think "Damn, Bob sure shows poor judgement" You want to think about this to make sure you aren't setting him to a standard no human can meet. Also, I agree with the PP on personality disorders. |
Anonymous
| What makes you think he might have BPD? |
Anonymous
I agree with this. OP, I really feel for you. I went through a divorce (we were childless), and it was a horrible process, so I can't imagine doing it when you have a child. I would start with couples counseling. One way or another, it may help you both resolve your issues. It's great that you've both done individual therapy, but a really good couples therapist will help moderate. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately, past behavior often indicates future behavior. I'd get out now. |
Anonymous
This is what worries me the most in what you've posted. The rest. Sounds manageable and something you could overcome. But not this. |
Anonymous
| He wants you back because the gravy train stopped and he can't find a J.O.B.... Come on, op. |
Anonymous
| Your not crazy. But you cannot go back in time. Though I know a couple that remarried after their daughter was an adult. But time passed and people actually had time to learn and grow. |
Anonymous
| I would go through with the divorce, which you admit you think is right, and maybe then think about trying to work on the relationship. Give it time and if it is meant to be you will get back together. But, I think staying married will lure you back in to a situation that you may feel trapped in down the road. |
Anonymous
| I would give him a second chance...esp since you have a child. But make it clear to him that you want him to keep working on himself and your relationship and that you will not tolerate another affair. Then if things don't work out a second time at least you won't have this nagging doubt. |
Anonymous
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I think couples counselling is essential.
I would also say a second chance...however a cautious one. I would say he continues to live separately for up to a year while showing you he can can continue to grow and maintain a mature responsible relationship. If you think he has mental health issues then he would have to agree to an assessment and any recommended treatment. Basically I would make him work for it. It won't be good for your daughter to have you reconcile then him leave again. I would make sure the reconciliation would work before taking him back in and continuing the marriage. My friends parents did this. They were on the brink of divorce. They separated but understand that separation was to see if they could rebuild their marriage. They lived apart for 18 months while they worked and built their marriage in counselling and on their own. They were clear on their expectations for the marriage to work. Dad continued to be actively involved at home even though he lived in an apartment. They have now been back together for almost 20 years. |