Help for difficult teen

[Anonymous]

Difficult doesn't begin to describe him. He's fourteen and completely unmanageable. He is withdrawn and reserved usually but explodes into anger over small things and spirals into out of control from there. Though he's never been diagnosed, I would have to say he has anger/anxiety issues. He's never been diagnosed because he refuses to be seen by a professional. I really don't know how to help him. He is a good student and never acts out outside the home. No one would guess he has these issues. I have seen psychologists on his behalf but never with him and nothing they advise seems to help. His behavior affects the whole family because his sibs would never be allowed to behave like he does, but my husband and I tiptoe around him to avoid setting him off. How can I get him to understand he needs help/medication? I worry that we didn't adddress his problems when he was younger, now he's a teen and stronger, he's becoming a terror.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long has this behavior been going on?

And can you elaborate on how you, your DH and probably the rest of the family are currently handling it... tiptoeing around this? Letting him get away with things that his siblings could not? Why? We need some more background on this to give you meaningful comments.

[Anonymous]

Can your pediatrician help during annual physicals? My son has some anxiety and attention issues that our ped manages with medication. He started at age 12 and our lives are so much better.

[Anonymous]

Sorry to be so brief. He has had these issues (tantrums, high anxiety) for years but now as a teen it feels more serious and damaging. I would say once or twice a month or more he has a serious episode of lashing out in anger (at me or my husband). His siblings avoid him generally. he does not respond to our efforts at controlling his behavior. You can't just send him to his room because he won't comply. If you try to take away privileges, it escalates the problem and he will fly into rage. We feel powerless.

[Anonymous]

Totally sounds like my DS. People were always shocked when I told them how he was at home (great kid for the most part outside of the home).

Anger management therapy totally turned everything around. He was a bit older (17) but we had been dealing with it since about 11. We required he go to 10 sessions or we were going to make him leave (live with a relative or go to a boarding type school). Seems hard core, I know, but it worked. Withing 2 sessions we saw a difference.

[Anonymous]

OP here, Please tell me you used for anger management therapy. I'll go anywhere at this point to improve our situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can your pediatrician help during annual physicals? My son has some anxiety and attention issues that our ped manages with medication. He started at age 12 and our lives are so much better.

Thanks, I will ask at his next physical. Is it really that easy? Won't they need a psych eval before prescribing meds?

[Anonymous]

My SN kid is younger. But, I really think the idea of anger management therapy or else boarding/military school is a good suggestion for end-of-the-rope situations like the one you're in.

Sending you good wishes.

[Anonymous]

We saw Brad Wasserman in Montgomery Village, MD. He is great! I actually had taken my other child (SN) to see him and through that discovered that he did anger management therapy as well.

Surprisingly it is really difficult to find anger management therapy for teens. I did a lot of looking and this was the only person I found who did individual anger management therapy. All the ones I found were groups for adults that were the court ordered type.

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to make this a referendum on your parenting skills, but when your child says he/she won't do something, do you respond by taking away privileges? If your child refused to see the pediatrician because of strep throat/broken ankle, would you accept that? This is "mental illness" not physical illness, but you are allowing the illness to take over your household and control it instead of managing it and your child.

I know it's simple for me to say that, while you are the ones that have to wrestle a 14 year old possibly into the car and off to a professional. But how far do you go to make the alternative (not going) as unacceptable in your household as possible?

[Anonymous]

If your teen is 14, he already knows how many months until he is eligible for a driving permit. If he continues to refuse help, tell him he will not be allowed to get a permit until he has the anger issues under control. I'm doing this for my 14-year-old about a bug phobia and it is a good tactic (but you can only use it once).

[Anonymous]

OP here, thanks for all your responses, they are enormously helpful.

08:49: Thanks but, he couldn't care less about driving so that particular carrot won't work for us.

05:40, I wonder what you would advise other than taking away privileges when DS refuses to comply with the rules? How does one make non-compliance "unacceptable"? And, there are very few things he participates in so there isn't much to take away. He's not social, so I can't threaten to take away time with friends. DH suggests we refuse him meals. Seems crazy to me. Also, there would be no point in wrestling DS into the car to see a professional if he refuses to speak to him.

My plan is to tell him he must attend (and participate) in 10 sessions of psychotherapy or the alternative is boarding school that specializes in difficult teens. He needs to know that we are serious at this point. If anyone has any other suggestions, I would be very grateful to hear them.

[Anonymous]

I think your plan sounds very smart. I can only imagine your distress at this situation. YOu must feel so much pain, anger, and resentment over this. You are doing what I would do.

One other random thought: Would a therapist be willing to come to your house if you paid for transportation time? Maybe you would only need to do it the first time if your son realizes that some good might actually come from speaking to someone. He sound like he's really frightened and in pain himself.

[Anonymous]

One more thing though... just ten sessions? I wouldn't limit it. The end state shouldn't be just ten sessions. The other commenter's son was in therapy for years! The end state should be a clean bill of mental health from the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Although I think the anger management therapy is the way to go, have you considered a behavioral specialist like Robin Allen? She comes in and takes control of the home, makes family rules, etc. Good luck with everything.