Pointing Out Gray Hairs On Other People

[Anonymous]

My brother-in-law is 50, about 75% gray, and started going gray at about 40. I've noticed that he has a tendency to randomly point other people's gray hair. It probably started as a joke between guy friends. I understand that men have tougher skin when it comes to their appearance, and it's no big deal to poke fun at each other.

But he also does it to women. The other day in front of a large group of people, he pointed out several strands of gray hair on my sister. This was totally random; the conversation had nothing to do with ageing or hair color. This is the second time he's done it to her. She laughed it off in front of every one, but I don’t know how she felt inside. However, it really got under my skin, and I basically told him off in front of the same crowd, pointing out that it's nice to pick on people's appearance, especially women. I also wanted to cut him off before started to scrutinize me, which he has done in the past. I would have been mortified. (I know I have some gray hairs, but I don't need people pointing them out.)

He's done it to my brother, his own son (who is 21) and to other people as well.

I feel bad that I chewed him a new one. He later asked if I was mad at him, but also told me that my sister could take care of herself and it was none of my business to jump in.

Are my feelings justified, or am I just too sensitive? How would you feel if someone started to randomly pick on your appearance without solicitation (he also likes to point out crow's feet)? And why does he feel the need to continually do this?

P.S.

[Anonymous]

Eh, I've had gray hair since my 20s, and I'm short. People comment on my gray hair all the time. It doesn't bug me. I could always color it, but choose not to. I've got pretty thick skin, but I'd be fine with it.

No good answer to your other questions though.

[Anonymous]

Ask your sister how she felt and if his behavior about people's appearance bothers her in general.

But if this is systematic you were perfectly justified in saying something in front of everyone - it is high time someone piped up!

[Anonymous]

You were doing him a huge favor. That kind of obliviousness is rude and demeaning if not kept in check, something that it hasn't because he's that old and still doing and saying stupid things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were doing him a huge favor. That kind of obliviousness is rude and demeaning if not kept in check, something that it hasn't because he's that old and still doing and saying stupid things.

Lol. You are so right, pp.

[Anonymous]

Your BIL has an obsession. He's like a bald guy, constantly pointing out how much hair loss other men have, whereas the rest of us really don't care or even notice. It's not a matter of your sister being able to take care of herself. It's a matter of not wanting social scenes or conversations constantly derailed by his running hair byline. He needs to STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are my feelings justified, or am I just too sensitive? How would you feel if someone started to randomly pick on your appearance without solicitation (he also likes to point out crow's feet)? And why does he feel the need to continually do this?

P.S.

It would make me feel bad. I mean, the stuff is just factual. Yes, I have crows feet. Yes, I have gray strands of hair. But when someone feels the need to point it out it makes you feel like they are saying you look bad and need to do something about it. The reason he does it is that he doesn't feel good about his own appearance and aging. He sounds like a jerk. Someone said you did him a favor by calling him on it, but honestly, his reaction makes it sound like he didn't get the message.