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OMG I am so awkward ... Is this inner-monologue normal?
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Anonymous
| Whenever I am talking to a friend, I have this in inner monologue going that is thinking things like when to make and break eye contact, what to do with my hands, whether or not she cares about what I'm talking about, etc. I'm just never quite sure how to move my body during a conversation - like how long to make eye contact, etc. I never enjoy social situations because I'm exhausted by this awkwardness I have and I'm sure I act awkward too. Strangely, I don't have this problem at work, with my husband or with my two best girl friends. Mostly just women with whom I have a general friendship or who are acquaintances. Is this normal? What can I do to get over this?? |
Anonymous
| Prozac. Seriously. |
Anonymous
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Jeez, PP. Brutal.
It's ok OP. I feel that way sometimes. I can also be very extroverted at times too. Are you like this with one particular group of people? Can you find one common thread about this or these people that makes you feel awkward. What is their status? Is there one particular thing about them that is making you feel antsy? Because there is a kind of social leveling that goes on among more competitive people--they try to knock others off balance all the time. It could just be that you seem vulnerable and are coming in contact with "levelers". |
Anonymous
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It's not "normal" as far as I know, in the sense that it's not something that most people have, but more importantly, it seems to be a source of pain and unhappiness for you. It's also a symptom of anxiety.
I suffered from pretty debilitating anxiety in my early 20s (not social anxiety, but in other context; I was agrophobic), and the constant inner monologue was something that was very hard to suppress. I don't know if you feel like this is something that's just an annoyance or if it is a really major impediment to your life, but I found that cognitive behavioral therapy helped. But in my case, it wasn't just a case of "is this normal," it was more like "I can't leave my house, I need help." |
Anonymous
| OP again. Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I think anxiety describes it just right. Social anxiety. It's basically with anyone who I know could decide not to like me (it doesn't happen with my family, husband, or my best friends of many years who are all sort of stuck with me). I am an extreme introvert. I want to have friends...really I do. But I'm just really unsure of how to relate to people. How would I find a behavioral therapist to help me in this regard and what would they do to help? It's not to the point where I avoid people - I am successful at work, have a few people who I would really consider good friends, and have a great relationship with my husband. But I hate being constantly uncomfortable with most anyone else and I want to change. |
Anonymous
| I don't think about eye contact but sometimes I do feel awkward in my body and wonder where to put my hands. I also am a real people-pleaser and have an unhealthy need to be liked - so I relate to the inner monologue. I don't have it with my DH or mother. It has gotten worse since having kids and becoming a SAHM because I'm more insecure than I ever was. |
Anonymous
| Oh, I feel like this a lot. I know it is social anxiety. I always wonder if they have a social skills group for adults, like where they can teach you appropriate small talk etc. |
Anonymous
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I have it too. I believe that except for the criterion of not making friends (I do make friends without difficulty) I'd meet the crieria for having aspberger's. But the older I get the better I can hide it, and now most of my casual friends and acquaintances think I am outgoing and comfortable around people. My good friends know how introverted and anxious I am in many social situations, primarily because I have told them.
It surfaces only when there is no defined agenda. If I'm doing my job, or in a meeting or at an event with an agenda or goal or set topic to discuss, I'm fine. It's the small talk and unstructured purely social encounters that kill me. |
Anonymous
| I sometimes become really too aware of everything else besides the convo and start thinking, "Okay, this is getting weird" when the other person starts behaving weird or I sense something is amiss. For ex, there's this guy I know who starts darting his eyes side to side when he is talking to you and that makes me uncomfortable so I react weirdly back and try not to make too much eye contact. And both of us can sense the convo is not going well. Some days he is calm and his eyes don't move like that and that's when we have normal conversations. |
Anonymous
There are a lot of good books on making small talk. One is called: How To Talk to Anyone. I found it very helpful but I still get anxious. |
Anonymous
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I used to have extreme social anxiety as a teen and had the same symptoms. It got better without any meds or therapy but lots of "self-work", for example, rehearsing phrases or speeches and learning social cues. It's an ongoing process and 15 years later I still have bouts of it.
One good thing: your awkwardness might seem glaring to you, but I promise it is not that noticeable to the person you are conversing with! |
Anonymous
OP again - this is exactly the same as me. I couldn't articulate why I don't have it at work, but this is exactly why. |
Anonymous
| I feel like this all the time, then afterward I run through my head all the stupid things I did. It is so exhausting. I am in therapy now, and she says to "be kind to myself" and just let it flow. I have always secretly thought I have asperger's. |
Anonymous
I think it's social anxiety. I've had it in the past, minor, and learned to cover it up so that nobody who's met me in the last 10-20 years realizes I was ever shy. I'm really analytical in other ways; this is just another thing I analyze. My dad says that if you pretend to be socially confident, which is what he did, in time you can transition into actually becoming socially confident. And it helps if you realize that a lot of other people are also not 100% socially confident either; you just can't hear their own internal monologue. 
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Anonymous
| I have this all the time in new situations. I am a huge introvert too. There was a NY Times article recently on introverts and the woman who wrote it also has a blog called "The Power of Introverts" that I have found to be quite interesting. Here is a link to her blog: http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/ |