Adoption question - no more ivf for me

[Anonymous]

I am over 40 and have reached my limit on IVF (mentally and financially.) I just read an article that its very hard for couples over 40 years old to adopt in the US but its easier if you choose International adoption. Does anyone have experience adopting over 40 in the US? Can you share your experience? How long is the process? Sorry if this is the wrong place to post this question. I just don't know where else to look. Feel free to share links etc.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I only have experience with international adoption but you should probably go to a local agency's seminar that explains domestic adoption more in-depth. People have mixed opinions about Barker International, based in Bethesda, but we used them for our international adoption for the home study and post-placement and have nothing but good things to say about them.

They have info seminars on a regular basis:

http://www.barkerfoundation.org/information_meetings

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

It is quite possible to adopt domestically if you are over 40. I had no problem at all and I know many others who would say the same. We were open to any race and that makes a difference but I know people who adopted 2 Caucasian babies very quickly. I even know a gay male couple over 40 who adopted 2 babies domestically. My first adoption took six weeks after we had our paperwork finished. The second one happened because a family member from our DC's birthfamily contacted us and asked us to adopt her baby. Adoption can be emotionally draining and difficult but it will happen for you if you are patient and know that the right baby will come to you when the time is right.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you both so much. This gives me hope which is what I need to get started. Thank you again!!

[Anonymous]

Also Adoptions Together does free informational meetings. You can go to their website for dates and locations. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

The one thing no one mentioned that I want to ask is how much did your adoption cost versus IVF? I am in the middle of both and most adoptions at the least are the cost of two IVF's unless you go through the local service and they don't have babies (and they don't care about age which is a plus but seems to be the only plus).

[Anonymous]

Most companies offer some support of benefit that will aid families with adoption. That might be a place to check first. Same with IVF thru a company's insurance benefits but if you reached your max limit, then maybe they have an adoption benefit? Just thoughts from someone in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Our RE put the money question this way - if you do IVF, you can spend 20k and still not have a baby. If you adopt, you will spend the same 20k but the odds are much higher that you'll actually have a child at the end of it all. That logic has certainly helped me put it in perspective.

We're making the switch to adoption too. People have recommended Adoptions Together and Catholic Charities, in addition to mixed reviews on Barker. Next step will be the free seminar at AdoptionsTogether for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The one thing no one mentioned that I want to ask is how much did your adoption cost versus IVF? I am in the middle of both and most adoptions at the least are the cost of two IVF's unless you go through the local service and they don't have babies (and they don't care about age which is a plus but seems to be the only plus).

I'm the international adoption poster. We both work for the feds and when we did 5 IUIs, BCBS only paid for either a portion or all of the either the meds or the procedure (I can't remember which), but not both. We were dealing with PCOS and severe male factor. We never considered IVF but when our RE was trying to talk us into it, he recommended the shared risk program, which I think was $20k or $22k at the time (2007).

Our Korean adoption cost us about $27k total, including lawyer fees to finalize in court here and a very nice 2 week trip to Korea, replete with lots of sightseeing and touring around the country. With Korean adoptions, you can opt to have your child escorted to the US, which is obviously much cheaper than a 2 person, 2 week trip there.

I had various reasons for not wanting IVF but my DH's main reason was the money- exactly what PP's RE said. We didn't want to spend $22k to have it go to waste and have to keep putting my body through cycles, tries, etc., when you're all but guaranteed a placement with adoption. We specifically chose Korea because I myself was adopted from there and they have one of the oldest and best-established adoption programs.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Our two domestic adoptions cost between 20-30K each but we adopted in a state where it was legal to pay a birthmother's expenses and that can add up. Also, we needed multiple lawyers and two agencies for each adoption because for interstate adoption you need legal representation in both states. I do recommend looking into agencies in other states because MD, DC, and VA are not very adoption friendly for various reasons. The laws vary a great deal from state to state. Different agencies will have different wait times as well. It's very important to find out what the average wait time will be. I was not thrilled with my agency so I can't recommend. Just do your research! Definitely read online agency reviews and take them seriously. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Korean adoption poster here- forgot to mention you can claim the adoption tax credit, unless it's sunset already. I think ours was $11k.

[Anonymous]

Different countries have different age limits on parents. I think S Korea is one of the more lenient. Others have lower age limits (I think I remember reading that Colombia's was 28!).

[Anonymous]

If you want the country rules, I'd check out the Department of State adoption site. You could also check out Dawn Davenport's adoption guides: www.creatingafamily.com. On the DoS site, you can get information on the number of adoptions from each country by year, which can help you decide if a program is viable.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, op. I may be going down the adoption path, too, if all else fails...not giving up yet, but adoption is a very reassuring option. I truly feel like the baby I get will be the one meant for me. Likewise, for you, too. God luck. I am single, too, so may have different obstacles with adoption (but hope not) good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP, I am also single. I just wanted to recommend another resource for you: Families for Private Adoption, which is located in this area.

http://ffpa.org/

Two or three times a year they have a seminar for people interested in pursuing private adoption -- that is, forgoing the agency route and advertising for a baby, basically. I know that it sounds crazy, but one thing they told me is that about 60 percent of domestic adoptions are private, 40 percent agency.

I went to a seminar and it was just extremely well-done. They featured local adoption attorney, a social worker who talked about the home study, several parents who have adopted privately, and, very movingly, a young woman who talked about what it was like to let her son be adopted. She was a really great kid.

There were other singles at my meeting, and I think that some singles are continuing to meet informally to offer moral support to each other. I highly recommend their workshops. I'm currently TTC, but I know after having been through that workshop that if I work hard enough and the gods smile on me, I will have a child even if my old eggs aren't up to the challenge. It takes a bit of the pressure off. (Assuming I have enough money left after TTC...!)

Good luck to you!

(P.S. I went to a Barker Foundation workshop which was also good, but the FPA workshop provided more nuts and bolts information.)