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when should in-laws visit after baby #2?
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Anonymous
| we have an extremely strained relationship with DH's parents. his mom hates me and does not hesitate to get her digs in (ie. her 1st comment when visiting after baby #1 only 2 days after delivery was "how much do you weigh now?" - no joke). his dad is very pompous and rigid and will only do things if they are his own plan. DH and i have already agreed that they will not be present at the birth (like they were last time - total disaster). But I am wondering when we should tell them it's ok to visit? I would love to say a month later, but maybe that's too long. Any suggestions would be great! |
Anonymous
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At least two weeks since they obviously aren't going to be helpful.
Good that you and DH are on the same page. |
Anonymous
| We are in the same position OP. My MIL will sit on her butt and expect me to serve/entertain her. This is exactly what she did when our first was born. This time we decided that they aren't coming for at least a month after the birth and we are keeping the visit short. If people are nasty and/or can't be helpful, I see no point in adding stress especially since this time you will have a newborn and another child. DH and I don't even care if MIL is mad since she is totally clueless as to how unhelpful she is i.e. seen her 6 times in 16 months and never once one diaper change, help with a feeding, or bath etc. About the nastiness, I really feel for you. MIL rarely asked about my last pregnancy and when she did it was always a freaking weight check! Good luck! |
Anonymous
| Honestly? In-laws should visit when you are good and ready to have them come. I hope your DH backs you up on this. Good luck! |
Anonymous
My inlaws are the exact same way. I told hubby that this time I don't want any overnight visitors, except my parents until the baby is at least two months. I *think* DH is on the same boat as me. The way I got him on the same boat was basically I told him that we had all that company when my son wasn't even 6 weeks old and that it was a lot of hard work for me. I'm not going to be "ready" until I'm getting a full night sleep. I won't feel obligated to cook or clean for my parents...but with his I feel I have to. Plus they have never once offered to watch #1 on their own. The only middle-ground I'm willing to do is if they want to visit they'll have to stay at a hotel... |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks for the helpful responses. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one confronting this issue. |
Anonymous
| Hmmm I see it's okay for the mom's parents to be around but not the inlaws? Sorry it has to be even--can understand no visitors but not just one set. It's this kind of attitude that make moms to be worried about having a son because in the back of your mind there is the knowledge that you get cut off after son marries. |
Anonymous
| No, it does not have to be even. Helpful grandparents are welcome; not-so-helpful ones can wait--as long as both parents agree about who falls into each camp. |
Anonymous
| If you're going to baptize your child- how about then? that could be 3 months out (for us it was)- that's when IL came.. |
Anonymous
| Seems that maternal parents get a pass even when they can be dificult--how many times do we hear moms on this site saying "I don't get along with my inlaws and I don't feel the need to have my children be with them?"--you almost never hear a guy say-"I hate your parents and I don't want our kids seeing them."--it's just not even and I think it has to do with woman being very punitive and insecure. I can understand not wanting people being around when you deliver but having moms parents around (and all parents have annoying habits) and not letting paternal parents around just builds more problems. Why not have everyone wait a week or so. |
Anonymous
I think it's about boundaries. I have a much easier time telling my mom to back off and leave me alone, but with MIL, I don't do that for the sake of peace all around. But DH knows this and does what he can to run interference...including having his folks wait until I am ready for the ILs to visit. I do think that new mothers should be able to say who she wants around her when she's newly PP since she's the one recovering. Just my opinion. |
Anonymous
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New parents deserve to decide who comes and when. It's for everyone's good - I considered my mom my best friend, but having her on my doorstep when I returned from the hospital was a disaster. My son was my parents' first grandchild, and they wanted to celebrate with big meals, etc... we were shellshocked and murderously tired. It was the worst visit ever, for everyone, and it leaves me with such regret since my mom died before my son's 2nd birthday. If I'd known better, I would have asked her to wait a week until I got my bearings... My inlaws are very difficult and visits for them are much fewer and farther between. Ultimately I consider that my husband's turf and if he can't handle them, then I'm not going to protest.
OP, decide what works for you and your husband, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty about it. New parents have too much else to deal with! |
Anonymous
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OP here -- thank you for the supportive comments. I like the perspective of "helpful, considerate and understanding people are welcome to visit BUT mean-spirited, insecure, and inconsiderate people will have to wait." If my parents were in the "mean" camp, I would make them wait, without question. It just so happens that my in-laws are unbelievably inconsiderate, self-centered and down right mean at times (DH sees this, and much to his disappointment, agrees). Having been through this once before, I now know that I am not willing to waste one ounce of my energy dealing with mean people when I have a newborn and a toddler at home. Our family is just too important. DH and I are leaning towards telling his parents they can come visit after the 1st month. Thank you all again for the helpful feedback.
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Anonymous
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I don't think you should tell DH's parents that they should come and visit after the first month. I think instead you should tell them that they can come and visit when you are ready for them to come and visit. You don't know what its going to be like after the birth.
I'm the earlier poster who said my plan is to try to keep the in-laws away for at least 2 months once #2 comes. My own parents aren't even coming until after the baby is 3 weeks old or 5 weeks old (my parents may be going on vacation about 2-3 weeks after I am due - and I don't want them here when my DH has off from work. Anyway, thankfully my husband feels the same way about his parents that I do - he realizes they won't be helpful and it will create a stressful environment for me....however, I already predict that DH will go soft and that the inlaws will be here before #2 is 6 weeks old. I've been very honest with friends and family and told them that I really didn't feel that I was functioning until my son was 2 months old....and that I regret the company we had before he was 2 months old. That's why this time around - I'm doing my best to not allow it. |
Anonymous
| I agree that the question is not about in-laws vs. maternal family, it's about helpful and considerate vs. adversarial. I will be telling my own (difficult) parents to hold off the visit until at least several weeks after the birth but will be looking forward to my in-laws (who live locally and are awesome) to visiting me in the hospital. |