When someone young dies. . .

[Anonymous]

My twin brother died unexpectedly this week. My best friend basically stopped her life, and took over mine. She realized that I wasn't in a place to care for my two young children. She showed up at my doorstep 30 minutes after I got the call. She took the week off from work and her family, and stayed with my kids at another friend's house in my hometown. I don't know what I would have done without her.

My first response when I learn that a friend's family member has passed is to say, "Let me know what I can do. Tell me if you want me to take the kids. I can grocery shop and clean your house if you need it. Just say the word."

Here's the thing. When someone is grieving, they can't say the word. I have had so many wonderful people offer the same sentiments I wrote above. But I don't want to burden them.

The take away is this for me. . .I will be my best friend next time. I will just show up and say, "Let me take the kids to the pool." I will tell people that I have already hired a cleaning service to take care of the house, just tell me when would be a good time. I won't offer, I will just do.

I don't mean to sound ungracious. Not in the slightest. Just sharing a few thoughts that might not even make sense.

That is all.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I realize many of my friends read this board. If you recognize me via this post, please know that I have been deeply appreciative of everything. Please don't think for a minute that I haven't valued your notes and gestures.

I am just a hot mess, and not really thinking clearly.

[Anonymous]

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

I, too, am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Hey op, this is one of your friends (your Burke friends who are selling our house now). I am so sorry for everything you went through this week and will be going through. I wish we could have done more for you guys. I am so happy to hear you had a friend take over like that. I don't think you sound ungrateful at all. I think this is great advice ---"just do things" when your friends need it. Hugs to you, t and your little ones.

[Anonymous]

ah...Hugs honey. Hugs and prayers.

[Anonymous]

OP - Thanks for the post and sorry, so sorry, for your loss.

Yes, people in need often struggle with asking -- partly because sometimes when you do ask, the asker of "let me do whatever" doesn't really mean it.

Having been needy for similar reasons, I can tell any readers that the OP has it right. Also, never complain when you don't hear back after doing a nice gesture for a needy person -- you aren't trying to make work for them, and even an email can be hard sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You are very lucky to have your best friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Thanks for the post and sorry, so sorry, for your loss.

Yes, people in need often struggle with asking -- partly because sometimes when you do ask, the asker of "let me do whatever" doesn't really mean it.

Having been needy for similar reasons, I can tell any readers that the OP has it right. Also, never complain when you don't hear back after doing a nice gesture for a needy person -- you aren't trying to make work for them, and even an email can be hard sometimes.

Thanks PP. My husband and friends just took the kids out so I can tackle a huge list of thank you notes. The minister gets the first note. And I will do my best with the rest. I hope people understand if I can't offer thanks right away. The funeral director gave us stickers to attach to plates, so we could record the dish in the handy "Grievance Journal" thereby keeping track of who sent what. Seriously? I just mucked up my mom's dishwasher with labels after attempting this system.

[Anonymous]

I will take this message to heart. My thoughts are with you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't know you, but I am offering heartfelt condolences. I am so sorry for your loss, and so glad for your best friend.

[Anonymous]

I've heard this as well. Finding an answer to "Tell me what I can do to help" is another thing to DO. Or at least to think about. We are so scared of stepping on someone's toes that we fear taking the initiative in sensitive times, but OP reminds me that there are times for social niceties, and other times for no-holds-barred humanity and friendship.

[Anonymous]

So very sorry for your loss, OP. I've experienced this as well and I'm glad you had someone to step in for you. I know it may be difficult to believe right now but one day you will feel normal again. It won't always be so raw. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm thankful to hear you have such a wonderful friend.

Something to go along with your "just do it" concept for friends might be someone (not you!) to make a short list of things others could do to help. When someone who didn't get the "just step in" memo says "just let me know what I can do", whomever is answering the phone can look at the list and immediately say, hey, sure, would you mind doing x, please? Hopefully they'd have someone like your best friend there to be the person reading the list. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Another of your friends here (the one who works with your hubby) - we are here for you too. Would love to see you and the kids when you're feeling up to it. Can't imagine what you must be going through right now; I'd be devastated to lose my sibling. We'll be staying in Alexandria after this Wednesday, so let me know what's good for you and I'll bring over dinner. (I'll message you on FB too.)