Need advice on what to say to husband about divorce..

[Anonymous]

After many years in a verbally and mentally abusive marriage, I am finally at the point where I've had enough and I'm leaving as soon as my husband gets back from a deployment to serve him with the papers, in about a month. I'm keeping all this to myself for now for many reasons, not the least of which is because I don't want him to have any advance warning and start locking me out of accounts, etc. We are bickering via email and phone, and he just keeps blaming me for all the things wrong with our marriage. I want to give it back to him with both barrels, but I am biting my tongue until it practically bleeds because I can't see any good coming from ripping into him. He'll never, ever believe even his own infidelities were ever his fault, that anyone other than I am to blame for provoking his temper, that I am somehow defective and bring out the worst in him,etc.

In a case like this, is it better to walk away without an explanation at all? He is calling me all kinds of nasty things via email and saying I am an unfit mother to raise my own children. I find it almost physically impossible not to rebut that statement, and just tell him I'm waiting for his return to serve his sorry a$$ with papers. If he writes lies about my character, and I don't respond, can he use that against me in court? Am I better off saving this up to be served cold upon his return, or just tell him now about my plans to divorce him when he gets back?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. My best advice would be to be the bigger person whenever possible, and let him dig his own grave. You're right that no good will come from ripping into him -- from what you're saying, he'll just get defensive and make things so much harder. If you respond to his nasty e-mails trying to defend yourself, you'll just be encouraging further nastiness from him, and it will spiral into something worse.

If you think he's going to contest the divorce, I would document *everything* (keep e-mails, write down dates/times/contents of phone conversations, etc.), and try not to egg him on. If/when a final divorce hearing comes, if there are contested issues, both you and he can call witnesses to testify as to what's happened. The judge would then decide the case based on witness credibility, and if your husband has been a total dick all the way through, it's likely (although not certain) that the judge will see it.

Keep in mind that if you live in DC, it's a no-fault jurisdiction, meaning that you can get a divorce without anyone being "at fault." So, his transgressions aren't relevant to whether you'll be granted the divorce -- they will be relevant to who gets how much (if any) custody, visitation, etc.

That said, the most important thing is that you and your children are safe. If you're afraid for your safety, you can always move before he comes back and file for divorce with your name and address under seal (i.e., your contact info will be kept private and only the court will know how to reach you.)

Good luck to you. Know that this, too, shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should discretely consult with a lawyer, to figure out how to best position yourself to get what you want (i.e. custody, money, whatever).

Best of luck, sorry about your situation.

[Anonymous]

Since he is in the military, both of you have access to the military lawyers. You should consult them as soon as possible.

[Anonymous]

I have retained an attorney, but I'm trying to limit my calls to her since her hourly fees are so high.

DH is a US Govt employee - so no military help or hindrances would apply.

DH also fancies himself a quasi-attorney, so he knows exactly how the wheels of justice work. That's why I wondered if I need to rebut his emails. He knows how to write an email that will read well to a judge, saying all the right things and leaving out all the wrong things. For example, a letter with something detrimental to my case might also contain a peice of information that is helpful to my case, knowing I wouldn't want to introduce that other little tidbit. Not that there are any tidbits on my side, unless seeing a marriage counselor is a detriment these days.

It seems like in law, the less said the better, so I'll just keep my mouth shut and let him fester in not knowing why I'm not responding.

I would love to get a protective order against him, but am REALLY worried that if I did, it would do exactly what I'm trying to avoid - get him violently angry. He's a lot like that Drew Peterson cop in the news lately - he told my mom if he ever did kill me, no one would ever find me or any evidence. Yeah. For real.

[Anonymous]

Based on what you've said I think it would be worth a phone call to your lawyer to get her advice on the emails and how you should go about handling telling your husband.

[Anonymous]

Also, OP, you can seek services -- counseling or advocacy -- from a domestic violence program, as your husband's behaviors are clearly abusive. There are a number of steps you should consider taking to keep yourself safe from your husband as you separate from him. Please work with someone experienced in domestic violence to ensure your safety. Any services you receive will be completely confidential, and it is vitally important that you seek help. I wish you the best of luck. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Based on what you've said- I'd *strongly* encourage you to find a way to be not living there when your husband returns and for him to have as little contact information as possible. Or to keep him from returning to the home at all- but if you really feel violence is likely I'd be inclined to leave the home if financially possible. Yours and your children's safety should come first.

Good luck with everything.

[Anonymous]

Please, PLEASE do what the PPs are suggesting and leave before your husband returns. The scales of violence DO escalate, even if you cannot imagine your husband going to the next level.

I volunteer for a local sexual assault hotline which is also partnered with a domestic violence shelter. The services I work with are based within the city of Alexandria but we are happy to help outside of our official jurisdiction. If we cannot help you, we will refer you. I can assure you that we are strict in screening and training volunteers. We were specifically drilled about privacy. The agency will intentionally NOT keep your full name, etc. on record. They do not want to be subpoenaed. They really, REALLY want to respect everyone's privacy.

Please call.

* Domestic Violence & Stalking: 703-838-4911
* Sexual Assault: 703-683-7273

FYI, the shifts are split between paid employees and volunteers, and the chances of you getting "ME" when you call either hotline is very, very slim.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will definitely call the help line to get their perspective on my situation. DH has hurt me once in our relationship and it resulted in a lot of trouble for him at work and had lasting repercussions in his file. Since then, I've seen him want badly to strike me, but he hasn't. He would lose his job in a heartbeat if there was ever another episode of domestic violence, and he knows it.

The abuse in my marriage is verbal (name calling, mental warfare, undermining my self-esteem) and also mental toward my kids (preferring his kids over my son/his stepson) yelling at them at random. He is trained in all things mental, getting evidence, stalking, getting people to talk/confess, and he's REALLY good at keeping bad things compartmentalized inside (ie, this is how he lives with himself as a cheater and doesn't let it make him feel guilty). Add to that the stress he's under and now he will have to pay child support, lose control over the people he used to think he controlled, lose his house, and face his family's disappointment... and it will be an ugly divorce. No question.

I shudder to think where I'd be if I came into this marriage with low self-esteem and no sense of independence. I just tune him out and try not to listen or respond to the nasty things he says, but I can't expose my kids to that now that it's getting worse with each stressor.

[Anonymous]

It must be really painful to have lived/be living through this. I highly recommend you get some legal advice and I also highly recommend that you try to live somewhere else before he returns. With the way you describe him, I think the abuse will get worse once he finds out your intention.

[Anonymous]

If you don't leave now you might find it hard to leave when he gets back.. Most abusive men have sweet tongues.. he will make promises to you abbout how he will change and how being away made him say all the horrible things that he said..

I would be very careful if i were you..

I totally sympathise with you and wish you all the best.

[miriamcmilli]

Im sorry about what you are going through. I have and am still going through a situation like this. The sucky part about it is that it seems to me that no matter whether you tell him now or when he gets back (more so when he gets back) is that he is probably going to try to make your life a living hell. If you tell him now he might start to be nice so you can't leave and might say he's sorry..blah blah blah..but when he gets back he is probably going to threaten to take the kids away and say all kinds of nasty stuff...talking to JAG will not help because they do not deal with divorce matters. I would consult with a lawyer and see what they see because each state is different. I know in d.c. it is a no-fault area meaning you just have to be physically apart from each other for I think it's like 6 months...which in your case if he's deployed, good for you. Well anyway, if you just need someone to talk to email me [e-mail]