Would you call your mother again regarding kindergarten graduation?

[Anonymous]

My mom has a history of not being there for me, however I have made peace with that and just accept she gives what she wants to or is able to. She is in early 60s and lives 30 miles from me and is retired. She has been to my house to visit 3 times in six years and I generally make any effort to call, etc. So about six weeks ago, I call her about son's montessori graduation to let her know the time/date and if she'd be interested in attending. She says she'd love to and to "call me later to remind me." So I call again 2 weeks ago, and remind her. She says she is not sure she can make it, that she hasn't been feeling 100% lately and says "call me again when it's closer." I told her that it's pretty close and to mark her calendar in case she can make it.

I decided not to call her again. If she misses it, she misses it. I figure if she cared about attending, she'd call me. I'm tired to tracking her down to do the bare minimum as a grandmother.
Am I the only one with local, healthy but disinterested grandmother? Thankfully, my husbands mom is the best grandmother ever, so I am grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

This is a lot like my mom. My mom thinks she is caring but the reality is the way she cares and the way I would like for her to care are different. I read a long time ago that people express their love in different ways...some with words, some by buying gifts, some by spending time etc. I wish I could find that information again. But anyway....you've told her twice, if she wants to come, she'll come. No need to nag, cajole, beg, plead or otherwise try and get an adult to do something. We make time for the things that are important to us.

[Anonymous]

Kindergarten graduation? Seriously?

My kid just "graduated" from pre-K. There was a cute little reception and awards ceremony, with cake.

I didn't even bother inviting my parents or my husband's parents (both of whom live less than 30 minutes away). At some point, we all need to recognize that these fake little ceremonies for our kids are cute for us (as parents) but probably a bit overkill for everybody else.

OP - if you know your Mom is a little disinterested, then I'd really only invite her to the big events (birthday parties, etc.). Kindergarten graduation just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a lot like my mom. My mom thinks she is caring but the reality is the way she cares and the way I would like for her to care are different. I read a long time ago that people express their love in different ways...some with words, some by buying gifts, some by spending time etc. I wish I could find that information again. But anyway....you've told her twice, if she wants to come, she'll come. No need to nag, cajole, beg, plead or otherwise try and get an adult to do something. We make time for the things that are important to us.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is the book you're looking for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kindergarten graduation? Seriously?

My kid just "graduated" from pre-K. There was a cute little reception and awards ceremony, with cake.

I didn't even bother inviting my parents or my husband's parents (both of whom live less than 30 minutes away). At some point, we all need to recognize that these fake little ceremonies for our kids are cute for us (as parents) but probably a bit overkill for everybody else.

OP - if you know your Mom is a little disinterested, then I'd really only invite her to the big events (birthday parties, etc.). Kindergarten graduation just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me.

OP, above PP says it all. Kindegarten graduation, really? Perhaps your mother has an intolerably low threshhold for boredom.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I wouldn't want to go to K "graduation" either. It stinks that she's uninvolved though. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Some grandparents wouldn't miss K graduation and I think OP is just wishing that her mom was one of those grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a lot like my mom. My mom thinks she is caring but the reality is the way she cares and the way I would like for her to care are different. I read a long time ago that people express their love in different ways...some with words, some by buying gifts, some by spending time etc. I wish I could find that information again. But anyway....you've told her twice, if she wants to come, she'll come. No need to nag, cajole, beg, plead or otherwise try and get an adult to do something. We make time for the things that are important to us.

The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman is the book you're looking for.

Awesome thanks! I was hoping someone would know what I was talking about.

[Anonymous]

My mom is the type who would love to be there for every single event/milestone/anything to be with her grandkids, HOWEVER......her health does not allow to give commitments, and since she has disappointed us many times with cancelling at the last minute she has learned to just tell us "let me see how I feel" and that seems to work better and take the pressure off of her (and she shows up for most things). As they age, I feel they generally have good days and bad days so maybe your mom is not feeling well and does not want to burden you with her ailments.

[Anonymous]

Not that it helps answer your question, OP, but is your mother possibly depressed? When I was depressed, events, parties, and get togethers seemed really interesting to me when people told me about them, but then I could never get up the energy to actually go. I cancelled on a lot of things and missed out on many more.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sounds a lot like my mother. She proclaims her love for her only grandson to anyone who would listen to her, but has never offered to babysit, let alone stay with him while I was in a hospital or let him stay with her when my DH' parents passed away. Now she's surprised that he doesn't recognize her voice when she calls us or that he pretty much ignores her when she graces us with her presence. I used to be very sad about it but now I stopped caring. I write her nice checks when she asks for money or wants to go on vacation but that's about it.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP, she sounds like my MIL. She "pencils in" her youngest grandkids when she feels like it, amongst her non urgent social BS. When she does decide to attend, at whatever "sacrifice" (yeah right), she is late and blows it for everyone (we lose our seats or whatever). Then she acts surprised if someone says something. Yup, she's a card.

I'm so sorry you have to have this toxicity in your life. As someone who knows what you are talking about, unfortunately. You can't make the woman give a crap about anyone but herself. Repeat this as often as you need to in order to hear it. Know that you did the best you can. Also know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her. Some day, your child will know this for themselves and decide for themselves that they did not miss out on this horrible excuse for a grandmother. If you are really big on having the pictures for your kids someday, so be it. (My MIL barely wants to even do that, she's really big on having an arbitrary -read annoying- say) If my MIL knows something is important to me, she will use it. She is that miserable.

Only you can decide at what expense this witch needs to be there.

Ignore the nasty posts. I strongly believe its my MIL I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

[Anonymous]

PP here. Jut read about the book reference. I had to giggle because its pretty clear my MIL has NO love language!

[Anonymous]

My mom is sick with terminal cancer and before she was sick, she and my dad would travel two hours to DC for all sorts of activities my children were involved in, to babysit, to help us with house stuff, etc.

My daughter had a big event at her school on Friday and she couldn't come and it broke her heart.

She's willing but not able and that is worse, to me, than able but not willing.

[Anonymous]

21:08 - Nope. Do not go there. I am sorry for your loss, but do NOT compare. You have no idea. BE THANKFUL you had a mom for as long as you did. Not everyone can say this. This is not the OP, BTW.