For Those of you that are "Too Nice"

[Anonymous]

How do you deal? That is, how do you be a decent person on a day to day basis without people taking advantage (more often than not)? Some days seem like a bunch of sharks. Thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Are you asking this because you are too nice? Because in my experience, those who are too nice get taken advantage of daily. There's no way around it. You need to focus on setting up strict boundaries and sticking to them. It's OK to say no, for example. It's also been my experience when a person is too nice, people actually lose respect for them. They don't seem to respect themselves or their own needs, after all, so why should anyone else?

Just say no. It's OK. Really.

[Anonymous]

I don't think anyone on this board is too nice.

[Anonymous]

I've been working on being less nice for a while now. I've come to the realization that I was attracting needy people. Now that I have children, work full time, and have a long commute, I just don't have the time to be all things to all people. It's a constant struggle.

[Anonymous]

I have never had the problem of being too nice. Can't help you.

[Anonymous]

I say no with a smile on my face.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately, I am one of those people. But, the last six months I have been extremely busy with work, school and my long commute.

People will take advantage as long as they are able to. If you do not set boundaries you are going to get screwed. I had/have a super needy friend. I keep her at a distance. NO is a very useful word. It must be used are you are going to drive yourself nuts.

[Anonymous]

I'm from the midwest and I am too nice. I help people with too many things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone on this board is too nice.

Huh? DCUM land is loaded with door mats.

[Anonymous]

I was wondering who would reply to this.

[Anonymous]

Every time I try to set limits or boundaries I feel guilty and end up going overboard to correct that. Like, if my MIL snipes at me that I'm being a bad mom, I limit contact with her for a little while after. Then she sends me these sad emails...and I feel sorry for her...and invite her over for a nice day with the grandkids. And while there, she snipes at me again and the cycle begins anew.

I really don't know how to set limits or boundaries with people. And I've been this way for so long that when I finally do set perfectly reasonable limits, people accuse me of being a bitch or being overly-upset or high strung because they're used to me rolling over and taking it in the ass.

I really hate this about myself but have no idea how to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I try to set limits or boundaries I feel guilty and end up going overboard to correct that. Like, if my MIL snipes at me that I'm being a bad mom, I limit contact with her for a little while after. Then she sends me these sad emails...and I feel sorry for her...and invite her over for a nice day with the grandkids. And while there, she snipes at me again and the cycle begins anew.

I really don't know how to set limits or boundaries with people. And I've been this way for so long that when I finally do set perfectly reasonable limits, people accuse me of being a bitch or being overly-upset or high strung because they're used to me rolling over and taking it in the ass.

I really hate this about myself but have no idea how to change.

Somebody in your life actually calls you a bitch? That's completely unacceptable. If it were me, I'd seriously take a look at the relationships I've cultivated -- maybe it's time for a serious housecleaning.

In any event, if you start setting boundaries where you never had before, you will definitely get push-back. People won't know how to react at first and since the behavior is different for "you," they will be puzzled, take it personally, get angry, or all of the above. That's OK. Stick to your boundaries. Be consistent, as you would when you discipline your kids. They'll learn.

[Anonymous]

I think I'm too nice. My husband and his mother walk all over me which isn't fun although they have many redeeming qualities.

The cool thing about being "too nice" is I have had friends who other people don't have patience for who have been fun and taught me a lot.

Another good thing is that my kids are 90% of the time incredibly nice to each other and I think its modled on how I treat them and others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I try to set limits or boundaries I feel guilty and end up going overboard to correct that. Like, if my MIL snipes at me that I'm being a bad mom, I limit contact with her for a little while after. Then she sends me these sad emails...and I feel sorry for her...and invite her over for a nice day with the grandkids. And while there, she snipes at me again and the cycle begins anew.

I really don't know how to set limits or boundaries with people. And I've been this way for so long that when I finally do set perfectly reasonable limits, people accuse me of being a bitch or being overly-upset or high strung because they're used to me rolling over and taking it in the ass.

I really hate this about myself but have no idea how to change.



Somebody in your life actually calls you a bitch? That's completely unacceptable. If it were me, I'd seriously take a look at the relationships I've cultivated -- maybe it's time for a serious housecleaning.

In any event, if you start setting boundaries where you never had before, you will definitely get push-back. People won't know how to react at first and since the behavior is different for "you," they will be puzzled, take it personally, get angry, or all of the above. That's OK. Stick to your boundaries. Be consistent, as you would when you discipline your kids. They'll learn.

I can't houseclean inlaws, as much as I would like sometimes.

This is great advice and I have actually tried to take it many times before. I practice what I'm going to say in a situation and give myself permission. Then when faced with confrontation, I don't take it or else, when pushed, I totally capitulate. It's probably going to take therapy or one big SNAP FUCK YOU situation to be fully resolved.

[Anonymous]

PS: I don't think this kind of behavior has anything to do with being "nice" or not. Plenty of people can be nice AND stand up for themselves.