If your dh travels a ton

[Anonymous]

How do you manage? I am a sahm, in part because of his schedule, but it's getting hard to handle all of the nights he is away. My son, who is eight, misses him a lot re sports , etc. And my daughter too. I have a hard time with the lack if adult interaction and handling every single household thing, the monotony. How do other similarly situated moms handle it? All tips welcome! Thanks! Btw, this situation, absent a divorce, which I don't want, isn't really changing anytime soon, his work requires travel and will fir a long time.

[Anonymous]

I work, so not quite the same, but husband travels a lot. Its hard. Try to find things to do with the kids. Now that its summer, it should be easier to get out of the house. Vary what you do every day - like going to different parks and nature centers, find fun things like bounce houses to go every once and a while, maybe get into a sport once a week like tae kwon do or soccer that they can do together and you can stand off to the side and at least chat with other moms. We also have ipads, so we "call" dad with facetime every other night so they can see him and interact a little.

[Anonymous]

I agree wIth the above post. My DH works in a different city M-F, and comes home Fri evening thru Sun evening. We talk to him via skype each night, but it's obviously not the same. I do try to get my kids involved in activities that permit me time to talk to the parents on the sidelines, which gives me some adult support. Plus I have become friendly with neighbors and now that the weather is nicer we hang out outside in the evenings and the kids play.
I find that it is hard to balance couple time/ family time/ family-friend time on the weekends bc we are in need of all 3 but only have a brief time to pack them all in. Usually family-friend time takes the hit, which means that most of my friends are mom friends and we as a familyunit aren't as close with other families.
Also, I have several friends who says they are in the same boat bc their spouses work locally but work long hours. I've experienced both, and it's really not the se - I do think my kids and I are less connected with my spouse than when he worked locally but long hours. He is very around when he's he, though!

[Anonymous]

Your kids will take their cues from you, so be very careful about projecting or encouraging your kids to feel disappointed that dad missed this or that game or event. Focus instead on how excited dad will be to hear about it when you skype tonight. Similarly, when your kids talk to your DH while he is away, he should be lighthearted and positive, not apologetic or sad. Come up with little routines and traditions that can keep them connected to him while he's away. A friend of mine's DH used to carry a certain stuffed animal that his kids gave him and he would take pictures of the animal in all different places and email them home. It was cute.

[Anonymous]

Hire help.

[Anonymous]

For me, it helps a lot to invite mom friend(s) + kids for a family style dinner. It takes the kids mind off of missing Daddy and I get some social time. Make something really, really easy though.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't have reproduced with this guy or agreed to his taking the job in the first place, I don't want an absentee husband and father for my kids. What were you thinking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't have reproduced with this guy or agreed to his taking the job in the first place, I don't want an absentee husband and father for my kids. What were you thinking?

Irrelevant, bye.

[Anonymous]

Find some friends in similiar situations. Go to the movies, a restaurant, rock out to music, find free evening activities, the key is to stay occupied so the time flies.

[Anonymous]

There are two kinds of problems this can cause. One is easier to fix than the other. Are you mostly just overworked? If so, hire help. This is easy to fix unless his travel doesn't bring in enough money to cover the help. Or are you lonely? This is harder. In this case, I am guessing that, when he comes back, he doesn't let you know that he really knows how much you are sacrificing and try to make it up to you by pleasing you. This is much harder to fix.

[Anonymous]

As others have said I plan things. I schedule get togethers with other moms and their kids or have the whole family over for dinner. I also sometimes even hang a photo of DH and it's sort of a little joke.."hey don't forget to say goodnight to dad" or "hmmm what would dad say about that, let's go ask him." (My kids are younger).

I sometimes try to do special things like make a favorite meal of my kids that DH might not be into and that isn't too much work for me like Make Your Own taco night!

Also, do be honest I do things to "treat" myself. I might buy a book I've been wanting to read for a long time that I can't find in the library, or get myself a fancy coffee drink when I usually just make coffee at home or anything inexpensive to reward myself.

I also remind myself there are plenty of families dealing with deployment and so what I have to deal with is nothing as compared to that.

[Anonymous]

I videotaped DH reading books for the pre-bed routine. They get some daddy time and it gives me a chance to get tooth paste on tooth brushes or pick up the room while daddy "reads."

Also, going to they gym (one with childcare is a huge help) to break up the long hrs.

[Anonymous]

From a practical POV, is a live-in or au pair doable? I'm a sahm and we had an au pair for a year and I found that the adult company for me was a lifesaver, plus the it allowed the kids to have another adult (not dad, but still, someone they are bonded with) to be there for them. And having help also gave me an occasion chance to meet with other grown ups socially.

[Anonymous]

seems to me there are several issues here: DH missing out on kids lives and your loneliness.

You got some good ideas here on both these things. There are blogs for service people who parent that have great ideas for ways that distant parents can remain attached to kids lives and if I were you, I'd check these out. I'd also be careful not to broadcast the message to your kids that "daddy is missing out" and more "here's how in our family daddy stays connected to you." And make those routines special, whether that's writing DH an email together every evening or whatever.

However, more than keeping kids and DH connected, your post sounds to me like it's got a bigger sadness, your struggle with monotany and fatigue (never getting a break is hard.) If you can swing it, I second suggestion about some kind of regular help. You should have a night of the week (or two) that you know is YOURS always, to see friends or join a book club or go to the gym or get your hair done or whatever. Can you get a babysitter to commit to every Thursday, say? If DH is in town, make it your date night, so it's a regular thing your kids expect.

I also agree about having friends over. You don't have to get fancy. And you should tell them what they can bring (like you're making pizza and ask them to bring salad). And turn one or more night a week into a social fun time for you and the kids.