Second baby if my mother has less than 1 year to live

[Anonymous]

My DS is turning one soon and the plan in my mind has been to start trying for DC #2 over the summer (I have always wanted my kids to be about 2 years apart and I would prefer to have a baby in the late spring/ summer due to past, mild post-partum depression). However, my mother, who lives in Arizona, has been diagnosed with a serious condition. There is no cure, just hope for a transplant, and her prognosis without the transplant is less than a year. Should I still consider getting pregnant over the summer? I will be 35 this year. I worry about the stress of being pregnant, chasing after my toddler and dealing with the emotional upheaval of my mother's condition. I also worry about the extra airplane travel during pregnancy. On the other hand, perhaps being pregnant will keep me focused on the happier aspects of life and there is the possibility that my Mom will be able to meet the baby before she passes.

I would appreciate any and all thoughts on the matter. I am feeling extremely conflicted. TIA!

[Anonymous]

No first-hand experience, but I've watched two friends go through the exact same thing. The message seems to be, live your life, it's what your mom would want. She doesn't want you putting your life on hold, and devoting your mental energy to fretting over her health. Your pregnancy and baby will provide a welcome diversion from the medical hell her life could become. Every conversation that could be "how's your white count?" (or whatever) could instead be "I have a foot in my ribcage". Much better topic, IMO. Yes, it'll be tough if your mom doesn't get her transplant, and she dies as you're dealing with a newborn. But this is the way of life. I hope you have support for both these eventualities. Get your support in place sooner rather than later, perhaps.

Best wishes for you mom's health, and strength in the months to come.

[Anonymous]

Go for it. Life is too short to wait for the "right" moment.... what may be good now may not be good later and what seems impossible to take on now may turn out to be great timing later....

[Anonymous]

I echo the other posters and think you should go for it. My first thought when reading the title/your post was that your mom would probably want to meet any future grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ PPs and say go for it. I dealt with the loss of my dear FIL while pregnant & in many ways, I think the pregnancy helped sustain everyone through a very difficult time. Also, no one can predict the future, including doctors. Live your life! Best of luck to you in trying to conceive and also to your mom.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry about your Mom. I think what it comes down to is you really don't know how much time she has - there seem to be hopeful possibilities, including the one that includes people who far outlive their diagnoses. I would say talk to her about it, but I can imagine why you might not want to for a variety of reasons. But I do think that most daughters know what their Moms would say and think even without asking. So honor that and honor what's in your own heart.

[Anonymous]

I agree with all of the other posts. I would just like to add that because you had mild Post partum depression before, you will want to take extra care of yourself this time around. Be proactive and seek out help early if things with your mom decline.

[Anonymous]

My Mom suffered, brutally, from breast cancer throughout my entire pregnancy with my first child and passed away when I was 14 weeks pregnant with my second child. I say, go for it! I would love to share my thoughts and experiences with you, if you are interesteed. If so, you can e-mail me at [e-mail]. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

My dad was essentially dying of cancer while I was pregnant...his condition got much worse after my son was born, but I think my son's existence sustained him through the last six months. I am forever grateful that my dad met my son, knew of his existence and reveled in him for a few months. (I am also very very sad that he didn't get to watch my son grow up.) The baby gave us something to talk about besides his health in our daily morning phone calls...he hated talking about his illness and much preferred to ask about how my son was sleeping, what new things he did etc. In a way, I also think it helped me through the grieving process to have my son. His needs were so immediate that I had to keep functioning and keep focused on him. It was very hard to have all of this going on at once, but I don't regret it in retrospect.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry.

For a short time, you may want to speak with a mental health professional to weigh the pros and the cons and help you with your conflicted feelings, especially since you had ppd before.

Perhaps my own expereince will be of help to you: My dad was diagnosed with cancer 2 months after my daughter was born and lived for 8 months after that. He lived in New England and while I was out on leave I made monthly visits to him, sometimes for 1 or 2 weeks at a time (thank you DH!). My daughter (who was born on Dec. 21 - the winter solstice) was the bright light born on the darkest day of the year and was our brightest light during the saddest time of my life. Our focus on her put the focus on making the best of the time we had left and put less focus on the cancer. My only wish is that I personally had contacted Hospice sooner for my own needs. They were invaluable to us during the last week of my dad's life and are still a wonderful resource for my mom. I believe that they would have been helpful to me prior to that (or at least directed me to resources) in helping me make even greater use of the time we had left and ways to record memories that didn't feel maudlin.

My other advice is to get both yourself and your mother a web cam, if you don't have one. My dad delighted in seeing his grandaughter every day via the internet and I know if she hadn't been born yet, he would have loved to have had pregnancy updates and see me on the computer. It was also helpful to me to be able to see him and not have him only be a voice on the other end of the phone.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry for your predicament and hope that your mom receives a transplant.

I was in a somewhat similar situation this past year. DS was about 18 months and I got pregnant with #2. About 5 weeks into the pregnancy we learned my mom had breast cancer. It was an aggressive form but was caught early and required chemo and radiation. It definitely made the pregnancy more difficult. I was much more emotional, to say the least and I could not take time off from work to be with my mom because I needed what little time I had (we don't have sick time, only vacation) for the days I really didn't feel well, or for doctors appointments. My mom is local so I was able to see her after work hours and she was able to still visit with her grand child which was great.

Fortunately my mom is now believed to be cancer-free and of course she has met her new granddaughter, but I felt I had a dark cloud hanging over me through much of the pregnancy. I was more tired with #2, probably because I still had to care for #1, and I worried about both my mom (going through treatment) and my dad (not really talking about/facing the situation).

I think that if you planned to get pregnant at this time anyway, then go for it. But I do think you should try to take care of yourself--mentally and physically during this time.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry for your situation. My mother died of ovarian cancer a few days before my son's second birthday. Knowing her only daughter was pregnant would have given her tremendous joy, even if it had limited my ability to travel, etc. (And you should probably recognize, it may be hard enough to do that with a toddler, especially if there are hospital stays or hospice care involved.) My SIL was very pregnant at her funeral, and I know that fact was very comforting to many of my mother's friends - one happy note amidst a lot of grief. On a more positive note, it's very possible to beat the prognoses - my mother did for a few years despite a terminal condition - and on that basis, waiting to try to get pregnant wouldn't necessarily produce a more convenient timing.

I'll raise one very depressing note to consider, with apologies in advance. Recognize that the process of getting pregnant may have its own stress and sadness. Despite conceiving very easily and having a problem-free first pregnancy, I wound up having a miscarriage a few months after my mother's death, and the third pregnancy has taken a long time to come. The M/C totally compounded my grief for my mother - I spent a lot of time being angry that both my mom and the baby that I thought of as some sort of cosmic consolation for her loss were taken from me. I share this only because I was lucky enough to be clueless about how traumatic M/C and infertility can be. As the PPs have said, make sure you have lined up your support resources in advance, and take good care of yourself and your family.