Need opinions on splitting cost of parents' surprise party between stepsiblings

[Anonymous]

My brother, my stepbrother and I are trying to put together a surprise party for my mom and stepdad's 20th anniversary. Our parents still live near where we grew up. I live a couple of hours away by car, and both my brother and stepbrother live further away and will need to fly up. My brother is single and my stepbrother is married with 2 kids. We don't all get together very much as my mom had a somewhat rocky relationship with my stepbrother's wife, but for special occasions everyone puts their game face on. Anyway, the party will probably cost a couple thousand bucks and we will split it between the three of us. I'm wondering, though, if we need to take into account the fact that my stepbrother is going to have to pay $1000 or more to fly his family up?

I don't know the details of stepbro's financial situation, but I think he could afford this but it's not pocket change. If he pays less, my cheap brother is going to insist that he should pay less too because of his flight, and then of course shouldn't my share be prorated for gas and tolls? (I wouldn't really ask for that but my brother would.).

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

If your parents were paying for it, everyone would pay for their own travel, right? If it's not going to make it completely unaffordable for your stepbro then I think you just ignore it, or try to cut him some slack quietly by taking care of tips yourself or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:. Anyway, the party will probably cost a couple thousand bucks and we will split it between the three of us. I'm wondering, though, if we need to take into account the fact that my stepbrother is going to have to pay $1000 or more to fly his family up?

I don't know the details of stepbro's financial situation, but I think he could afford this but it's not pocket change. If he pays less, my cheap brother is going to insist that he should pay less too because of his flight, and then of course shouldn't my share be prorated for gas and tolls? (I wouldn't really ask for that but my brother would.).

Thoughts?

Bad idea
Has your mother asked for this? As a surprise they would rather not have the children fight. Are they expecting this?
My take is that if you are worried about arguments about the cost, then you cannot afford a party like that. Find something cheaper.

My guess is that the other sibs do not have a say in the matter about how you are spending the money. This is something like arranging a wedding reception. Is this what all of you really want

[Anonymous]

Seriously why not have something less extravagant so that you eliminate this issue altogether? It sounds like you're concerned about possible resentments from both your stepbrother and your brother over the costs involved, understandably so since 1/3 of a couple of thousand dollars is not chump change. Are you 100 percent sure that both your siblings - and the guests of honor - want to spend that cash and/or have it to spend? If you have any doubts, talk to your siblings about what everyone can contribute and plan from there.

[Anonymous]

I live out of town and bear the costs of family travel and no one gives me slack.

Won't this trip mean one less for brother and step-brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously why not have something less extravagant so that you eliminate this issue altogether? It sounds like you're concerned about possible resentments from both your stepbrother and your brother over the costs involved, understandably so since 1/3 of a couple of thousand dollars is not chump change. Are you 100 percent sure that both your siblings - and the guests of honor - want to spend that cash and/or have it to spend? If you have any doubts, talk to your siblings about what everyone can contribute and plan from there.

OP here. We're not fighting about this at all and I don't expect that we will. I just want everyone to feel comfortable so I'm just trying to figure out the fairest way to approach it and trying to determine what our budget will be for the party. We all live out of town and for various reasons we don't want to ask my parents' friends to host, so we will need to have the party at a venue. There will need to be food, drinks, and people invited. Our parents live in a very expensive area. A couple thousand bucks would be the bare minimum and not extravagant AT ALL.

We've racked our brains to come up with a better option, but the sad fact is that our family does better with a large-group encounter (lots of buffers!) than something like a weekend away together, where my mom and stepbro's wife would probably kill each other and make everyone else miserable in the process. At the same time, our parents like to pretend everything is fine so would be devastated if we failed to adequately commemorate their milestone anniversary. I'm open to other suggestions if anyone has them......

[Anonymous]

OP, in that case the party cannot be a surprise and you should ask your parents for their opinions.
The last thing they want is a party that they should be grateful for and one that ends up in disagreements

Despite living in an expensive area, they might be happy with a picknick in a state park

[Anonymous]

OP, if you're able to financially, I think it would be wonderful for you to take on a little bit more than your step-brother because he will have to pay for more plane tickets.

Or you could take your brother, step-brother, etc out to a nice dinner as a thank you for helping to plan this party for your parents.

However, don't feel obligated to. If you want to split everything right down the middle that's perfectly fine too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, in that case the party cannot be a surprise and you should ask your parents for their opinions.
The last thing they want is a party that they should be grateful for and one that ends up in disagreements

Despite living in an expensive area, they might be happy with a picknick in a state park

picknick? really? *cough* picnic.

[Anonymous]

petty, pettty

[Anonymous]

Why bother demanding money from siblings.
Sounds like you are not doing so badly yourself.
Cater and pay for the whole thing yourself

[Anonymous]

If the issue is that you're genuinely concerned about the financial impact on your stepbrother but your brother can afford it and is just cheap, then I recommend that you tell everyone you are splitting the party 3 ways and then you cover some of your stepbrother's on the sly, maybe just kick him back the cost of one or two of the plane tickets. If you cant do it on the sly, you could also say you think its fair that everyone cover the cost of their OWN travel, but the party 'kitty' should cover spouses and kids since they aren't actually children of the guests of honor. But that's a pretty transparent way to get your brother to subsidize your stepbrother.

[Anonymous]

Or give up on the idea of having a party

[Anonymous]

2/3 of these responses are SO UNHELPFUL. I would say, "I'll put in $300 more since we don't have to fly."

[Anonymous]

DH's brother/sister-in-law live out of town and they were very annoyed/disappointed when no one offered to help them cover the costs of them + 2 kids to fly in for DH's other sister's wedding. The wedding itself was extravagent for a not-extravagent family and they could have easily given up the candy bar to help his brother's family out. There were definitely hard feeling there.

I love out of town from my siblings but I dont think those same hard feeling applied when we (or they) had to travel in for other family events.

I know its a diff scenario but it really depends on the person. If your stepbrother is agreeing to splitting the costs 3-ways, then I am sure he has considered the additional costs of travel. You could say something like "Are you ok splitting it evenly? Will your travel expenses with your whole family be too much together with the party?" After that, all you can do is trust that he'll be honest if he can afford it and if he wants to contribute a little less to offset travels costs, he'll have the opportunity to say so.