Why do I keep criticizing my kids?

[Anonymous]

Driving my tween to school today, I reminded her that I will be picking her up early for a routine dr's appointment. I asked her if she remembered to brush her teeth before leaving the house and she said no. Then I launched into a lecture about how unpleasant it is when people start the day without brushing. I could see her in the back seat, trying to clean her teeth with a tissue. Then I felt just awful, because normally I want to send my kids off for the day feeling good about themselves, not self conscious about unbrushed teeth! She said, "Now I'm in a bad mood, Mom, I was fine until you said that!" I reassured her I would bring the toothbrush/toothpaste when I pick her up, but she was still upset!

I am feeling terrible about this! What a horrible thing to do to my child as she embarks on another stress filled day at middle school. I plan to apologize when I pick her up, but how can I learn to hold my tongue? This is not the first time I have been critical....Anyone else with this issue?

[Anonymous]

The first thing that came to mind was Emily Yoffe's 2-day vow of silence:

http://www.slate.com/id/2100046/

It seemed to work wonders with her relationship with her tween! After reading it, I found myself biting my tongue a bit more with my kids, especially in the mornings, and trying to exude warmth and love rather than criticism and lectures. Even without a complete vow of silence, paying more attention to my words helped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The first thing that came to mind was Emily Yoffe's 2-day vow of silence:

http://www.slate.com/id/2100046/

It seemed to work wonders with her relationship with her tween! After reading it, I found myself biting my tongue a bit more with my kids, especially in the mornings, and trying to exude warmth and love rather than criticism and lectures. Even without a complete vow of silence, paying more attention to my words helped.

Loved the article! Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The first thing that came to mind was Emily Yoffe's 2-day vow of silence:

http://www.slate.com/id/2100046/

It seemed to work wonders with her relationship with her tween! After reading it, I found myself biting my tongue a bit more with my kids, especially in the mornings, and trying to exude warmth and love rather than criticism and lectures. Even without a complete vow of silence, paying more attention to my words helped.

Loved the article! Thanks.

NP here -- also want to thank PP for this article. Love it!

[Anonymous]

OP, when you feel the need to launch into something like the teethbrushing lecture you might stop for a second and ask yourself if you feel anxious about anything. If you do feel anxious, you might try to sit with that feeling for a moment rather than say something. This is just my personal experience but sometimes I try to control as a response to anxiety. I don't want to feel that anxiety so I try to stuff it. Could that be what you're doing?

[Anonymous]

10:40, that's a brilliant explanation. As I sit here and think about all the times when I launch into something, it always occurs when I'm stressed. Thanks for the reminder.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have two middle school boys, and I was just thinking today that when I head to confession this Lent, I need to confess how hateful I am to my own children. Everything they do drives me nuts. They play too much X-box. They're too loud. They don't practice their instruments enough. They don't play enough sports. They don't read enough. They eat too much junk food. They bite their nails. They're selfish and disrespectful. They're messy. They stay up too late. Etc., etc. I've said all these things to them. And these are straight-A kids whom people tell me are wonderful. I am sure I am projecting my own anxieties on them and feeling like a failed Tiger Mom because they turned out to be human. I do worry that they are going to wind up on the therapist's couch because I have been so critical of them. I am not sure that you need to apologize to your daughter, but I am glad you have reminded me to take a deep breath before I launch into my next attack, and to find some things to compliment for a change!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have two middle school boys, and I was just thinking today that when I head to confession this Lent, I need to confess how hateful I am to my own children. Everything they do drives me nuts. They play too much X-box. They're too loud. They don't practice their instruments enough. They don't play enough sports. They don't read enough. They eat too much junk food. They bite their nails. They're selfish and disrespectful. They're messy. They stay up too late. Etc., etc. I've said all these things to them. And these are straight-A kids whom people tell me are wonderful. I am sure I am projecting my own anxieties on them and feeling like a failed Tiger Mom because they turned out to be human. I do worry that they are going to wind up on the therapist's couch because I have been so critical of them. I am not sure that you need to apologize to your daughter, but I am glad you have reminded me to take a deep breath before I launch into my next attack, and to find some things to compliment for a change!

Thanks for this honest, heartfelt posting. Any one of us could have written this!

[Anonymous]

thanks, I've been feeling this way lately myself with my oldest....its nice to know others are working on this themselves....silence is golden...

[Anonymous]

I have found an apology and conversation are helpful when I get frustrated with my kids. Often, all of us could do more to avoid the morning stress and it is helpful to hear their ideas about how to make the mornings run better. I find we come to mutual agreements after a calm evening discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have two middle school boys, and I was just thinking today that when I head to confession this Lent, I need to confess how hateful I am to my own children. Everything they do drives me nuts. They play too much X-box. They're too loud. They don't practice their instruments enough. They don't play enough sports. They don't read enough. They eat too much junk food. They bite their nails. They're selfish and disrespectful. They're messy. They stay up too late. Etc., etc. I've said all these things to them. And these are straight-A kids whom people tell me are wonderful. I am sure I am projecting my own anxieties on them and feeling like a failed Tiger Mom because they turned out to be human. I do worry that they are going to wind up on the therapist's couch because I have been so critical of them. I am not sure that you need to apologize to your daughter, but I am glad you have reminded me to take a deep breath before I launch into my next attack, and to find some things to compliment for a change!

This post made me teary. I have a middle school boy. His hair is greasy even though he showers daily; he has breakouts; he bites his nails; slumps at the table when eating; leaves his clothing on the floor; lays around while I work doing chores; wants to give up his musical instrument. But like your kids, he is a straight-A student in a magnet middle school program and everyone compliments me on how polite, articulate, and engaging he is. He is super-funny, a fabulous writer, and a loyal friend.

I need to acknowledge and compliment the positive and leave as much of the negative as possible.

This is now my Lenten project.

[Anonymous]

I criticize my son when I feel he needs it. But I am also very careful to praise him when he deserves it (which is also frequent) and to just hang out with him, helping him with the computer projects he loves. I know sometimes I nag too much, but I think if you praise more than you criticize, they will get the picture that they really are great kids.