Exposing your children to a lifetime of prejudice?

[Anonymous]

My brother is gay and he and his partner are talking about adopting. While the family has come to accept my brother being gay and love his LT partner, the whole adoption thing has stirred up all kinds of drama in the family. My mother is thrilled, my father is horrified that the child is going to face a lifetime of prejudice and ignorance from strangers and I'm on the fence. As much as I believe my brother will make an awesome parent, I feel like bringing a child into this world is unfair on so many levels. We don't live in an accepting area, and most people are very against anything gay. I really believe this poor child will get teased and taunted everyday of his or her life. How do gay or lesbian parents go about bringing a child into such a hate filled world? I know there are many reasons for someone to get tortured by kids in school, but having gay parents is just kicking the door wide open in a rural area. I am trying to come to terms on this issue. I want to be happy for them, but I am too scared to get there. I don't want my future niece or nephew to have such a hard life. I can't help but think my brother is thinking about himself only and not the child.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, being disabled or in some areas a racial minority gets you teased as a kid. I can appreciate worrying about your future niece or nephew, but no one in this world is exempt from nasty human behavior, so the key is to have a loving family and good support system. Our kids are well loved and have an awesome community. They don't see themselves as outsiders, but they are aware of others feelings, more so than the average child is, in my opinion. If this child has you, your parents, friends, and family who will stand by and stand up for it, I am sure the good will out weigh the bad. I work in the foster care system and see kids everyday born to straight parents who beat or neglect them and don't know how to show love. Having one loving parent is more than some have and this child sounds like it'll have two. That sounds pretty lucky to me.

[Anonymous]

So you would expect non-white people not to have children because racism exists?

[Anonymous]

Everyone seems to have judgment against certain people having children: people with disabilities or that are poor, people who pass along some kind of genetic illness, people who are highly career oriented and have very little time for the kids, the list goes on and on. No one has the right to judge another person's choice. Bringing a child into this world, can be scary, no matter whom the child is born to. We all do the best we can and hopefully the child will have a good life. People always say "a child is a blessing" and I believe that's true.

[Anonymous]

Adopting a child is not the same thing as bringing a child into this world. The real question you should be asking is whether it is better for a child to spend his/her life in institutional care or foster care versus having the opportunity to be raised by a loving and nurturing family. Once you look at the options and outcomes for children who are institutionalized or raised in foster care, you might swing over to your brother's camp. As to bringing a child into this world, personally, I would never choose to do it. But, I don't think you are wanting to start a thread on people's views of having your own kids versus adopting a child who already is here and needs a home.

[Anonymous]

Families starting are beautiful things. I must admit that the OPs post is offensive to me as a lesbian mom.

I have had less issues with strangers than I have from family. I can ignore the very rare looks when out in public, but the remarks of some family members is harder to get over. If the family makes the child feel like they are the odd one out, then it will carry over to the rest of their lives. I, for one, don't see the offending family members anymore. It is not worth the risk to my daugther.

[Anonymous]

I also find the original post extremely offensive (and not because I'm gay, which I'm not). Even more offensive, however, are the pps who think it's okay because having gay parents is better than being raised by drug addicts, etc. Whether they are adopting or bringing a child into the world through surrogacy, they are as capable as anyone else of raising an amazing family. I agree with 19:11's logic. Would you choose not to have children that were likely to be fat or disabled (who probably get teased more than kids of gay parents)? If you care so much about your future neice/nephew, I think you could show it better by helping to create a loving environment for them to join - which you're frankly not doing. And as many parents, they may decide that the intolerant environment in which they live (which seems to include a less than supportive extended family) isn't suitable for raising any child, and move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Families starting are beautiful things. I must admit that the OPs post is offensive to me as a lesbian mom.

I have had less issues with strangers than I have from family. I can ignore the very rare looks when out in public, but the remarks of some family members is harder to get over. If the family makes the child feel like they are the odd one out, then it will carry over to the rest of their lives. I, for one, don't see the offending family members anymore. It is not worth the risk to my daugther.

Okay... get over yourself. The OP is clearly aware of his or her issues and is asking for clarity, which is more than any member of my family has ever done. I hear her/his fears and they are the same fears we had before we had kids. I don't think they are coming from a point of hate. OP- it sounds to me like you're worried about location. If your brother and his partner lived in some place like Mass or New Hampshire, would you have the same level of worry over this? You mentioned "rural" more than once. I have to say that I often wonder why gay people choice to live in a place like Florida, so i can hear that. But as to raising happy , well balanced children, sounds like your niece or nephew just might be lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also find the original post extremely offensive (and not because I'm gay, which I'm not). Even more offensive, however, are the pps who think it's okay because having gay parents is better than being raised by drug addicts, etc. Whether they are adopting or bringing a child into the world through surrogacy, they are as capable as anyone else of raising an amazing family. I agree with 19:11's logic. Would you choose not to have children that were likely to be fat or disabled (who probably get teased more than kids of gay parents)? If you care so much about your future neice/nephew, I think you could show it better by helping to create a loving environment for them to join - which you're frankly not doing. And as many parents, they may decide that the intolerant environment in which they live (which seems to include a less than supportive extended family) isn't suitable for raising any child, and move.

Why are you offended at someone being open and honest about their feelings? I am better able to deal with someone who comes to me honestly about their beliefs than someone who back stabs or won't even express their true feelings. I am not offended in any way by this poster's statements. They are where she comes from. I might disagree, but that's my right. If she's to the point of expressing her worries and asking for feedback, she's going to come around. I think those of you who are offended need to get over it, people are so easily offended about everything these days, it's really pathetic.

[Anonymous]

The OP has a right to be honest but the rest of us don't?

It is not a "lifetime of prejudice". That sounds like total bullshit to me. Should we only encourage white, straight people to have children? Then kids couldn't be picked on because they were a minority.

She should do some research on studies of children of gay parents before making such assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP has a right to be honest but the rest of us don't?

It is not a "lifetime of prejudice". That sounds like total bullshit to me. Should we only encourage white, straight people to have children? Then kids couldn't be picked on because they were a minority.

She should do some research on studies of children of gay parents before making such assumptions.

She has the right to be honest and so do you. But to say that you are "offended" by her beliefs or worries, is too much. She didn't say she was "offended" or "outraged" by her brother having a child. She said she was worried. Hell, I worry about my kids every day of their lives for many reasons. She is worried about a future niece or nephew getting tortured and teased. That doesn't sound like an offensive statement to me but one of concern. If we can't hear other's POV without taking offense, we're no better than the Jerry Falwell's of the universe.

[Anonymous]

This is the 6:36. I'm not really sure how admitting that something is offensive has anything to do with how Jerry Falwell thought. Particularly what is offensive is the tone that her brother has less of a right to have kids or is being selfish by having kids simply because he is gay. I did not say that she did not have a right to say it.

[Anonymous]

Since when did being offended become so taboo??? It means nothing other than, well, you're offended. It doesn't mean the other person is wrong, can't share his or her feelings, or should be shunned. It's just an expession of an opinion. I find the OP's supposed "concern" for her hypothetical niece/nephew and her thoughts that her gay brother is being selfish by wanting a family to be ... offensive. It offends my notion of right and wrong, my notion of the role extended family should play in bringing children in to the world, my notion of how siblings and families should treat one another, etc., etc.

[Anonymous]

OK, let's try to get this thread back on track for the sake of contributing positively to the welfare of a child who could be OP's family member.

Accepting that the world can be a bad place for anybody, here are two things to really think about before you even get to Grandpa's horror, Grandma's delight, and OP's ambivalence.

First: Adoption as topic. How much has adoption come up in your family in general/other than your brother? Focusing some discussion on adoption may be a good way to engage family members and to work through your own feelings. Regardless of parental sexuality, adopting into a supportive family can be a challenge if people aren't honest upfront about their views. Open? Closed? Local? Overseas? Baby? Child? Disabilities? There's such a long list before you even get to parent gender.

Second: Your brother as an individual. As his sibling, unlike all of us out here, you may have perspective on his motivations that may be more important than the gender of his partner. As a family member, being open in mentioning your perception that he might be naively stepping into this could be helpful to him. And to you.

OP-It sounds like it took courage and caring for you post your question. Hopefully the negative reactions have not deterred you from asking for more advice.