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Vacation - not a travel/destination question
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Anonymous
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If you travel with the IL's, do they ask you when you are available to do so?
DH has been extremely generous to his family over the years. MIL has always asked SIL's, but not us. MIL has also conferred with BIL's who are single! We have young (elementary aged) children, SIL's do not. SIL's children are inclined to "do their own thing" as teens/almost teens, often only bothering to attend vacation for only a few days, if at all. They have even gone on extended stays without telling DH. DH has been deeply hurt, but they depend on him saying nothing, even prompt him to say nothing by taunting him, knowing he will recoil. It is kind of sick. I know they were abusive to DH growing up, so it may be as simple as that. They take on their old roles and it is just too obvious and painful to see. I do want to like the IL's. Consequently, I do not usually go on IL's vacations. The time obligation has nothing to do with me, but rather with our children's obligations and DH's work. DH works very hard and does not have a flexible schedule (the IL's do have a flexible schedule, whether or not they admit it). It seems very hurtful that we are told of the vacation as almost an afterthought, though I should not be surprised given MIL's coldness and lack of emotion/empathy. DH is not one to tell MIL how he feels, I believe MIL takes advantage of this. DH is often very hurt by MIL and the stunts she pulls (yes, deliberately). She seems unreasonably tied to SIL's, more than most. They do not have a lot of friends, so perhaps this is a factor. MIL does have a few friends in "prearranged" (from FIL) groups. Anyway, it seems cruel to make plans without regard for DC or at least DH. MIL will often say one thing and do another, usually prompted by SIL/s. Yes, much like a puppet. It does not seem worth it to bring it up most times. How can we circumvent her denial and games? BTW, we do not need a "free vacation" as some do, we have plenty of friends who have beach houses and include us often, like family (ironically). |
Anonymous
| sounds like you guys need a vacation from his toxic family!!! |
Anonymous
| Yeah, he needs to step away. This isn't about vacation, it's about your husband's need to learn to set and maintain boundaries. Otherwise, he's going to continue to be miserable. The ball's in his court, not theirs. |
Anonymous
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we get this a lot. SIL is the driving force - says to MIL "wouldn't it be nice if we all went to X for Christmas?" and then we are expected to go. SIL is in it for the free vacation, and always picks places that work for her (she's a big skier; we have a baby and are not interested in trading off one of us skiing and the other sitting in a lodge somewhere with a baby). We basically go when it suits us, and when they dare guilt us for skipping the 'family X-mas' or whatever, we ignore it. Although I have told DH that the next time the guilt happens he needs to tell his parents that we'd give them more consideration if they'd give our opinions on where to go the same consideration.
anyway, OP, this stuff happens all the time in families. Go when it suits you, skip it if it doesnt, and be glad you can afford your own vacations with people you love. sad but true. |
Anonymous
| OP here. Thanks, PPs, I appreciate hearing from rational people! WHY on earth does SIL call the shots? I'm puzzled! |
Anonymous
21:28 here. in my case it's because the ILs created a monster by spoiling her (they spoiled their 2 sons too but both of them married women who made clear we were too old and too self sufficient to be on the dole, so the boys reformed), and they're too passive aggressive to say to her "dammit you're 35 and a doctor (and who paid for medical school?) - pay for your own life." They occasionally acknowledge to us in backhanded ways that they realize she behaves badly, but the behavior never changes esp. re vacation. |
Anonymous