Any high earning women in love with a low earning man?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a surgeon and my husband is an artist. He makes a pretty good living and he could soon be doing much better. It’s a joy to be married to someone with a career completely different from mine.

+1

Plus, someone who loves what they do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a high earning colleague whose husband lost her job a few years ago and never managed to get back into the workforce. He is very handy though and basically renovated their entire house, adding a lot of equity, since then. She never complains about his employment status, but I know she is worried mostly for their kid. She went pretty crazy with life insurance. She also seems pretty exhausted most of the time as a lot at home still falls on her. But as I said, I never heard her say anything negative about him or the situation.

lost "his" job

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know several couples like this. Husband has become the default parent or SAHD to be the parent on duty so wife can have big career. I don't know what their inner dynamics are though.

Same. Over the years the divorce rate was no different than in the general population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious about this myself. I have a PhD and make 200k+, but I love fitness and I am tempted to get serious with a personal trainer who makes like 1/3 of my salary. He seems great and it definitely does not bother me now but could this become an issue later? Is he going to feel insecure by me being the main breadwinner, will there be tensions if I expect him to do more at home, will I be resentful we cannot afford the type of holidays and house we could if his salary was more comparable to mine? Of course a lot of this will depend on me and the quality of our relationship, but I was wondering what others experienced after the honeymoon phase wore off.

I’m a daily gym goer who has been friends with many personal trainers and their spouses. You’re missing many of the downsides of settling down with a trainer. First, their schedules are absolutely awful. They have to be available with train clients when people who can afford their services are generally off of work. That means he’s likely to be working an opposite schedule from you, and he’s likely to have his free time mid-day, which he won’t be paid for. Many of them (mind you, not all) sleep with clients at some point or other. It’s definitely common. They also generally want their spouse to look quite fit, which is normal, but I’ve known a few personal trainer wives who feel a lot of pressure to lose the baby weight in an unhealthy way or constantly stay toned, etc. Sometimes unfavorable dynamics can result can result from this. Think hard about how this dynamic will play out after you have kids. You’ll likely be working 100% of the second shift, since they need to work mornings and evenings. You’ll have less time to workout when that happens, and your spouse won’t like it (even though it’s unreasonable). Also, if you want your trainer spouse to be employed, you’ll always have to live in a HCOL area, as if it very hard to maintain a book of business in a lower COL area. The market just isn’t there for it.

Through my own job, I know many women who are married to much lower earning men. It’s increasingly common, especially among the younger set. From what I’ve seen, the difference in income doesn’t cause any problems until kids become involved. While I think many of the women do want to work, I think it becomes tough for them to know that if they take take their foot of the gas pedal their lifestyle will drop precipitously. I think many of them would like to scale back a little. You don’t hear from these type posters on this board because they get brutalized when they share their resentments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a surgeon and my husband is an artist. He makes a pretty good living and he could soon be doing much better. It’s a joy to be married to someone with a career completely different from mine.

+1

Plus, someone who loves what they do!

A surgeon has ample money to outsource anything she wants. OP at $200,000 won’t have that luxury.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple female surgeons married to SAHDs. I’m assuming they had a professional background/career before kids- but no idea

Oh and the couple times I’ve been out with them (no spouses), they need to end the night early to be home to put their kids to bed and help with bath time. Men with a SAHW never do this.

they did in my house

[Anonymous]

Lawyer married to a teacher. I make $150k; he makes $70K. Not really an issue because we are a team so we think of it as our money. And he had a career/education, so we are equal that way.

He does all the summer childcare, so with three kids, hats a lot of money in camp savings, so that counts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a couple female surgeons married to SAHDs. I’m assuming they had a professional background/career before kids- but no idea

Oh and the couple times I’ve been out with them (no spouses), they need to end the night early to be home to put their kids to bed and help with bath time. Men with a SAHW never do this.

they did in my house

That might be because mom wants to (or thinks she should want to) be home at bedtime, not because dad can’t handle it. My husband works but puts three kids to bed himself on a regular basis and has since they were 6, 4, and 1.

[Anonymous]

He’s my ex husband now. But it wasn’t a money issue. It was a discipline, ambition, ability to discuss meaningful topics issue—

[Anonymous]

I make triple what DH makes, but he's not "low-earning," he has a six-figure salary. There was some tension in our dating/engaged phase where I could tell he felt some kind of way about me out earning him, back when our salaries were closer (imagine I made $200k and he made $120k). Since then, we've combined lives and finances and my salary has jumped considerably and he doesn't have any more insecurities, it's just a positive.

That said, he has a much lower-stress and more flexible job than I do, is an extremely hands-on dad, and doesn't have to be goaded or nagged into handling stuff around the house.

[Anonymous]

Due to sheer luck - I make double my DH's salary, but it's not like he makes chump change - ~$200K+. It's by sheer luck. He's an equal partner, and I don't think the amount of money I make should/would change our relationship.

If he were a bum/no life - that's different. I don't think it's the money aspect but mutual respect for each other and what you can bring to the family/marriage, and it's not just about money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Due to sheer luck - I make double my DH's salary, but it's not like he makes chump change - ~$200K+. It's by sheer luck. He's an equal partner, and I don't think the amount of money I make should/would change our relationship.

If he were a bum/no life - that's different. I don't think it's the money aspect but mutual respect for each other and what you can bring to the family/marriage, and it's not just about money.

I think this makes a huge difference. I would not perceive my spouse as low-earning at 200k even if I was making a million. Not the OP, but I would be personally more interested in cases where the man makes less than say 70k and the woman is well into six digits. Also, if there is an education gap, how does that play out? I feel like it takes a really self-assured man to handle this very well with no insecurities.

[Anonymous]

I'm a government employee who makes 150 and doubles what my husband makes as a 75K a year teacher. It's definitely frustrating at times, our lives would be much better if he earned 100+K a year. We don't have to worry about childcare though since he has summers off and breaks etc.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I’m a Program Manager make $200k. He’s a construction work with diploma. We both have one kid. Is this doomed before it starts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m a Program Manager make $200k. He’s a construction work with diploma. We both have one kid. Is this doomed before it starts?

Thinking about another dcum post re: stepdad + daughter's college tuition. Before you get married, consider whether you're ready to pay for both your partner + their kids and their thoughts on that. Have an honest conversation with them about their approach to finances. I find that it's not only income coming in, but also how people spend their money.