Mom was just diagnosed with cancer. What non-medical tips do you have?

[Anonymous]

My Mom lasted 4.5 months after her diagnosis at the age of 59.

Time with her. I literally dropped everything and went across the country to be with her.

You will not get this time back so do everything you can to just be there.

I am sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom was just diagnosed with an aggressive metastatic cancer. She's only 66, was incredibly healthy and fit, and so this comes as a huge shock. We're still waiting for the final diagnosis, but are down to two possibilities, both aggressive cancers with short runways. I live across the county and have two little kids (ages 6 and 3) who are very close to my parents. I'm looking for non-medical suggestions about what people did or wished they'd done for a parent in this situation. For example, I just ordered her the AncestryDna kit that we've always talked about but never got around to ordering, and we are starting a family book club with my mom, dad, and siblings. I previously did lots of interviews with my mom and put together her family history, but other ideas like those would be great.

My mom is ironically a doctor who specialized in preventative medicine and saw lots of cancer patients over the years, so she has the medical piece under control (to the extent that it's controllable). For now, she's also in a good spot mentally and spiritually, although I know there's a hard road ahead. We don't have firm information yet, but based on early indicators and the drastic decline in her health, it sounds like we have less than 6 months unless something miraculous happens. I'm a mess right now, but am trying to focus on positive, meaningful things that I can do to be supportive, either in-person or from a distance. We are flying across the county to visit, but I suspect that having my kids and my niece and nephew there for too long will be exhausting for my parents.

Thanks in advance.

I'm so sorry OP. I posted about this on the Health forum last week - My sister was just diagnosed with Stage 4 Metastatic BC, came as a complete and total shock to us. She's only 56. She started the first of her 3 different treatments this past Friday. Like you, I'm across the country which makes it difficult because I'm very close to my sister.
Thinking about your mom, and your family.

[Anonymous]

I was diagnosed a couple months ago. Here’s what has helped me, non-medically:

I stopped working because I wasn’t allowed to work from home.

I no longer do housework. It just saps energy too much. My DH and teens handle the day to day stuff and once a week, my friends send someone to clean common areas.

Delivered meals.

Naps. Daily if possible.

Gentle stretching and walks.

Family and friends check in on me and send me encouraging messages.

I saw a video in which a woman said she and her DH don’t talk about cancer after 8 pm. This way, they get out from under the weight of it for a couple hours before sleep. Once we started doing that, I slept better.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is so tired all the time from radiation treatments and enjoys sitting in a massage chair all day. So if your mom doesn’t already have a really comfy chair to sit in, perhaps now would be a good time to buy one.

[Anonymous]

OP here—thanks to everyone for the great ideas and kind words. It’s so helpful to remember that other people have been here too, and there are always positive actions to take even in difficult times.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. It helped us to let the kids spend time with her. Color, draw pictures for her just be a good energy until
She is tired. Not too long.


Door Dash/Uber Eats/InstacArt deliveries with her favorite little surprises from places. Small things.

And love and lots of positivity.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry OP. I lost my mom very quickly in 2007. Unfortunately our time post diagnosis was so short so we didn't have time to have any good memories.

If I could go back now I would have really loved for her to write me letters so I could hear her voice at important moments in my life (or really just those days when I miss it). This might not apply but my mom died when I was in my early 20s. I wish I would have gotten her to tell me parenting tricks or stories about me when I was a baby. That kind of stuff you talk about when you have kids. I never got to have those kinds of conversations.

I also wish I would have started therapy before she passed. I look back now and that time was so dark for me. I basically lived in constant state of panic and trauma.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to say I'm sorry and send you virtual hugs. I lost both my parents by age 30. The period of time when they are sick is the most difficult.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. It’s so hard. My children were a little older than yours but still in elementary school when my mother was diagnosed. We planned a vacation and rented a huge house with a pool on the beach together. It was more than I would normally spend but splurged and had everything right there so we didn’t have to leave. My mom would relax and loved the time with the kids. They have the wonderful memories of being with their grandparents on that trip.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

We chatted a bit on a thread I wrote last month when my mom died (about lessons learned...)

I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? I hope your Mom is getting some good quality time and you are finding ways to navigate everything.

[Anonymous]

Very sorry for you and your family. My mom died of breast cancer at 67 several years ago. She was diagnosed at 53, and underwent two rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy.

Toward her end, it was very chaotic because my mother did not share with the family that she had been placed on hospice so we were caught off guard when out of the blue she appeared to rapidly decline.

One thing I recall that we did, that I now hold dear is weekly conference calls with the family. On the calls we stirred clear of discussing matters regarding her health. We kept the convos light and talked about happy updates in our lives and fond memories of the family from the past.

Since everyone has a phone, family conference calls would be easy to incorporate. I am smiling right now thinking about how much those calls now mean to me.

Another thing, if you haven't already, start saving voicemails from her. If she passes there will be times when you will want to hear her voice again over the phone. I have a vm from my mom that I saved singing happy birthday to me that I play each year now on my birthday.

[Anonymous]

I have metastatic cancer. Then main thing I would want you to remember is that your mom is still a person, not just a patient. Respect her privacy. Don’t share news or medical info unless she expressly tells you you have permission to do so. Follows her lead. Listen and retain the information she is trying to tell you.