Friend considering returning to a cheating husband

[Anonymous]

From someone who was in a verbally abusive relationship, reply back “just know I am here for you”.

Do not respond in any way that either supports or does not support the return. Just let her know you will always be there. She may not appreciate the response now, but she will when she needs it the most.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who put up with and stayed with a cheating spouse and they didn't even have kids yet. The difference is she didn't know for certain that I knew so I wasn't listening to her talk about it- it was confirmed by a mutual friend whom ran into the jackass with his girlfriend and assumed that I had figured it out (I had- he wasn't very good at hiding it). I still am pained by the fact that I never brought it up to her, because it didn't feel like my place, waiting for her to reach out with confirmation, but I think she was too embarrassed since likely this wasn't the first time. These situations are tough all the way around.

I think you have to try to be there for her without judgement. Remember that she only has the choice between 2 kinds of pain and for whatever reason, this is what is slightly less painful for her, but she knows (even if she doesn't tell you) that she isn't choosing anything but 2 shit options. That's what helps me be nonjudgmental about it- I want to make the pain of the "right" decision in my mind less for them but that's not how they feel or see it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From someone who was in a verbally abusive relationship, reply back “just know I am here for you”.

Do not respond in any way that either supports or does not support the return. Just let her know you will always be there. She may not appreciate the response now, but she will when she needs it the most.

I'm the person who said the below (quoting myself). I think this is the kindest and my traditional response. But I wonder sometimes if it's opening ME up to more hurt and trauma than usual. In other words, at some point, it's not about the friend, but about the tax it takes on you to deal with their poor decisions?

*

I usually say something like, "I support you no matter what."

Then I feel like I have to... I support them no matter what, and that gets old at times (only a few situations I can think of, but ones in which friends are making clearly disasterous choices, usually with men, and you can see it coming and ten they are so devastated - understandably - when it turns out the way knew it would).