Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of couples do, people aren’t taught how to be married, we know how to interact with boyfriends and girlfriends, we know how to act with parents, we know how to act with friends and siblings, we don’t have a way to practice being married.
As this board has shown many times, lots of things can be discussed and “agreed upon” before marriage only to find out that your emotions are very different when you are in a given situation. Look at all the women who wanted to work only to have a kid or two and really want to stay home.
Add to that the financial and societial links and marriage is unlike anything else we’ve experienced. By societal links, I mean that your husband can be a grouch for weeks or months or years, and a nice lady can’t put an add online and find a date, even a chaste date without looking nasty. This makes it difficult to “find your own happiness” if you have a spouse who for whatever reason doesn’t want to do couple activities with you.
By financial, we are told that other people’s money matters don’t concern us. That’s fine for a friend, a parent, a sibling, it doesn’t apply in a marriage where both parties are on the hook for any debts (or assetts) that are accrued.
My advice is the following.
1. Work the same schedules. You need and deserve to spend time together, time having fun like when you were dating. Being married doesn’t mean you keep each other on cold storage and expect that person to just sit and wait until you decide you want them. This also includes hobbies, don’t give and give to your hobbies because “I’m married now, I’ve already got the guy/girl”. People can leave a relationship anytime they’d like. Remember that.
Present to the world as a couple. If your spouse doesn’t like a friend, figure out why. Always put your spouse first, or if you can’t or don’t want to, divorce. There is nothing wrong with legally ending a contract, just as there is nothing wrong with legally entering into a contract. People cry when they sell a much loved house, yet nobody tells people they should never buy a home because they may sell it.
Don’t allow anybody to paint your spouse as the bad guy, i.e. “If you weren’t married to Sally, you’d be cool with (the drunken night out, lending/giving money, letting me crash at your place…) whatever it is.
Be careful with saving money. Yes, you all are reading that right. You don’t want to waste money, but you also don’t want to be so foccused on saving or “living frugally” that you forget to enjoy the present. Believe me, that is very real.
Live in an area where you both feel safe both physically, emotionally and mentally. Women have very different standards then men do.
Live someplace where you have wholesome recreation, and don’t sneeze at little things like walking in the park or sitting outside eating ice cream.
Don’t compare yourselves to what your grandmas did or didn’t have, there is always a part of the story you are missing.
Have date night on a regular basis even if you are convinced your mom or sister never needed it. Again, date nights don’t have to be big to be special.
If/when you have kids, don’t take turns. Parents aren’t interchangeable parts, and your kid isn’t an object. Enjoy each other and enjoy raising children together. Part of that enjoyment is showing your kids they are much loved, but that you are also a person. Share your interests with them. Let them see you getting along with each other and happy.
As another poster said, don’t be mean to each other. Life will have its way with all of us at some point. It’s very difficult to come back from meanness and contempt.
Know that you will learn things and observe things about yourselves and each other. I’ve learned that I am far more sensitive to traffic noise and neighbor noise then I ever thought I was. I’ve had experience since I’ve been married that make me wary of strange behavior. Put another way, I don’t do weird.
I’ve learned that my husband is very dedicated to his job. This is a good thing at least on paper, though I have had to say to him “Your job doesn’t have to end, but your workday does, your work will still be there tomorrow”.
My husband and I were recently talking about living near family, and I pointed out that he’d not be happy there, the things he enjoys doing and that we enjoy doing are just not available there, think ocean in Arizona, no matter how much you like the family, there just isn’t an ocean in the desert.
Good luck, op. Without details, it’s difficult to offer much different advice. Know that many marriages go through many things. It’s how you treat each other, and it really is about the little things that will set the course of how you do. Many people don’t discuss their marriage problems which is probably why advice columns, this site and the talk shows of the 1990’s were so interesting.
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. It was so worth it though. I would do it all again if I had to.