Getting divorced: how to move from anger to charity/sympathy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, I was going to reply totally differently. Re "enmeshment".

I'm divorced and a child of divorce, I have two kids. My kids were 5 and 1 when we split. Egad it was so hard on me, while he traipsed off to have a happy new (irresponsible) life. Similar issues, I stayed too long (which is how I ended up with #2 child) trying to work it out while he refused to address his issues. I was very angry for a long time. Sometimes I still have moments.

Instead of cutting ties and letting him flounder, I have helped him and included him, for the sake of our kids. So when he's been living in a Jewish home for example, knowing he loves Xmas and that the kids won't be decorating a tree with him, I invite him over to share in our tree decoration. I have allowed him to accompany us on vacation (separate bedrooms). Because I know otherwise the kids won't have any vacation memories with him. I have allowed early drop offs, late pick ups, etc. etc. etc. I've threaded the needle in a way to try to support him in a way that benefits my children.

I can't be married to him. The way I feel about him now is sort of a brother or cousin who is less-than entirely competent at life. So I try to be supportive. We aren't lovers but we will always be family. I wouldn't loan him $500 but would I let him crash on my couch if he needed to? Give him a ride home from a medical appointment or the airport? Sure.

Now it's true that this causes some lingering emotional "enmeshment" that is a bit painful for me. Now that the kids are getting older, I am looking forward to moving away from this area in part so I can get away from him. But I did marry him. I did reproduce with him. I'm not just going to abandon my childrens' family member now.

This is a contrast with the way my parents handled their divorce, they have nothing to do with each other, never speak, and things like weddings, baby showers, etc. were always very hard for me after their split. We all can't be in the same room together. I don't want that for my kids.

FWIW

I’m the poster right below you and could have written many parts of this, including his post-divorce life and the Christmas tree part. But with compassion only after about year 14. The first 5 years, I could not stand to be in the same room with him because he was emotionally and financially abusive our entire marriage and turned physically abusive at the very end. After 5 years, I was no longer as angry and afraid and could sit near him in public. By year 8, I was seeing the man who is my DH now and I felt safe enough to go together with XH on an overnight trip to DD’s robotics competition. Separate rooms, of course. And separate cars. And DH and I constantly texting about my location and was XH being respectful.

[Anonymous]

Everyone is different, but I have no desire to be supportive of my exH. He was quite evil when he left and throughout our divorce and made those two years absolutely miserable for me (like bringing his side piece to my home several times before our divorce was even final). I've had to find my way since he left and he has to do the same. I don't wish him any ill will. He's my child's father after all, but I'm not going out of my way to be supportive either. He has a girlfriend for that. I'm not his person anymore, plus he's a grown man. He'll figure out life on his own. That's the life he chose.

[Anonymous]

You will feel all the feels. We separated earlier this year (our daughter is a little over 1 now), over similar issues as you experienced. I have had moments of anger but have not felt anger consistently. In the beginning was pretty much all fear and embarrassment, and some sadness. I didn't really feel anger consistently- though I did when we were married bc he was so disrespectful and horrible to me. I still have a hard time watching him try to be an adult, bc he's been really struggling being on his own with simple responsibilities (goes to show how much weight I was carrying in our marriage), but get over it and just tell myself this is what he gets and he needs to learn.