Are guys naturally bad about staying in touch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents on his own.

I wouldn’t marry someone who couldn’t manage his own relationships.

LOL calling your mommy for approval is managing relationships? Many women have never cut the cord with their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Males are pushed out of the house and told to get jobs/become self sufficient early in life. If something goes wrong, it is yours to deal with not your parents or other relatives. If you do well that is what is expected. So either way no reason to call and keep in touch.

Lets face it a 20 something man living at home/depending on their parents is thought of as a loser. A 20 something woman living at home/depending on their parents is not seen the same way.

Really??? In what world is a 20 something woman living at home not seen as a loser???

What world are you living in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we assuming that less contact = bad?

I think men often don't need as much contact as women do so it's fine for them to reach out less. Perhaps you should not be assuming your preferred amount of contact is the correct amount of contact.

I'm reminded of the recent post from the woman (maybe you, OP) who was trying to push her husband and MIL to work out a thanksgiving plan and was upset that they were not eager to do it, and when they finally did, she didn't like the plan. She titled her post something like 'odd dynamic.' It seemed to me that they were perfectly fine with their dynamic and the issue was that the wife thought they needed to be doing something other than what they were doing.

“Men don’t need as much contact as women” is BS. They need the same amount but society encourages them to be emotionally stunted. This is why men lean on their wives so much for emotional support. Generally speaking.

[Anonymous]

Yes. The exception being my dad who at age 85 makes a point of keeping in touch with all of his friends over his lifetime who are still alive. He will pick one a week to call. It's lovely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every week, without any reminders from me. Men aren't "naturally" bad at this; they are socialized that maintaining family relationships is women's work, and they don't develop the habit of doing so. And there are often no consequences, because some woman picks up the slack.

+100

Don't buy any of this "naturally bad at this" crap. It's just strategic incompetence.

I think I would be naturally bad at cooking and cleaning up if someone else always did it for me. If someone else planned holidays, invited family, bought presents and all I had to do was show up — that would be pretty awesome too!

Where’s the incentive to change?

[Anonymous]

Th is assumes the nature of both relationships is the same. Wives can have different relationships with parents than husbands do. I know couples where the wife has a stronger connection and couples where husbands do. Should they automatically maintain the same communication styles? I don't believe so.

[Anonymous]

They stay in touch with who they want. They don't bend to dumb society pressures. Spoiler alert: your son/brother is just not that into you. It has nothing to do with his wife. If he stopped calling when she came on the scene, that's his choice.

[Anonymous]

Yep, my ILs tried to wheedle me to get DH to call more. I said he's a grown man, I'm not his secretary, this isn't women's work. I told them to take it up with him. Literally not my problem. I share kid pics with them and make sure there's a kid FaceTime on birthdays and holidays. I facilitate a grandparent relationship to a degree, but I don't care if my husband calls them or not.

[Anonymous]

My husband is better at keeping up with his family AND mine. I'm the one who's terrible at keeping in touch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, my ILs tried to wheedle me to get DH to call more. I said he's a grown man, I'm not his secretary, this isn't women's work. I told them to take it up with him. Literally not my problem. I share kid pics with them and make sure there's a kid FaceTime on birthdays and holidays. I facilitate a grandparent relationship to a degree, but I don't care if my husband calls them or not.

I don't even do that. If my DH wants to share pics of our kid with his parents or zoom with them on birthdays and holidays, that's 100% on him.

[Anonymous]

https://www.art.com/products/p42640191064-sa-i10118244/he-finally-called-and-it-did-kill-him-new-yorker-cartoon.htm

[Anonymous]

I think that’s 100% cultural. I’m a woman who is terrible at keeping in touch and I have a few friends like this too. My DH is much better. Women are just expected too which is why it causes me psychic pain that I sick at it, but doesn’t do that to men

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband calls his parents every week, without any reminders from me. Men aren't "naturally" bad at this; they are socialized that maintaining family relationships is women's work, and they don't develop the habit of doing so. And there are often no consequences, because some woman picks up the slack.

This. I have single nephews in their 20s who are great about keeping in touch and seeing their parents bc they were raised that way.

[Anonymous]

Some are, some aren’t. It also depends on if there’s a reason to be connected or it’s just catching up. My DH stays in touch with everyone he needs/wants to: he FaceTimes his family far more often than I do mine, and sometimes will get calls from buddies to catch up a couple times a year. I tend to keep a steady stream of texts/FB messages with my friends rather than regular calls. I don’t call my family very often.

[Anonymous]

100% not natural. It's conditioning and training. My family and friends are stellar. It's very thoughtful and they make a real effort.
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SO's not so much. I got a nasty lecture about not maintaining his relationships for him fro. JNMIL so I dropped everything.

Thank you notes for gifts received, gifts for them, visits, calls, anything. They don't even get holiday cards. I always ask if he wants me to send them them one and he says no. I wrote the addresses, stamped, and got nice stationary for him to write thank you cards for his gifts. Nope. Still sitting there years later.

I think he's being a lazy git about it. It is his PA way of handling their years of unbridled aggression amd hostility towards me/our relationship, also.

I used to do a lot of work with gifts and letters and calls and graduation gifts, etc, but I don't care anymore. Everyone is old enough that the responsibility is on them to maintain their own relationships. I won't infantilize him or take work that isn't mine.