What is it like growing up with an alcoholic mom

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The gaslighting.

+1

Having to live one reality and present a different one to the world to save face and more significantly, preserve the fiction that someone prioritizes and cares about you. Ongoing sense of embarrassment and living with a certain degree of secrecy. You do not invite friends to the house out of fear of being embarrassed by your checked-out mother.

Guilt about mom's drinking, worrying that you are the cause. Constant anxiety about the situation at home, constant anxiety about keeping the reality hidden.

Confusion, chaos, lack of routine. You don't know whether you can rely on your mom's word about giving you a ride, helping you with something, taking you somewhere, buying you something. Bedtimes and mealtimes constantly change, and a regular daily schedule does not exist. Changes in behavior without warning, rhyme, or reason, i.e. changing from being loving to angry, regardless of the child’s behavior.

Anger at the drinking, her choice to drink over being a functioning parent, anger at the chaos, the failure to provide support and protection, the neglect. Constant feeling of helplessness.

:::

In adulthood, all of the above manifests in lots of different ways including a general inability to form intimate relationships. The only person an adult child of an alcoholic trusts is herself.

You are extremely insightful and send-aware, articulating what you went through so poignantly, as did PP. Hard-won wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

^^*self-aware

[Anonymous]

There's definitely a blurred line between a wine loving mom and an alcoholic mom. By bedtime, my wine loving mom was passed out drunk in bed. She wasn't always nasty to me but I was very very careful not to say anything that would set her off. It's a fear I still carry today with telling anyone how I really feel. I hate conflict.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The gaslighting.

+1

Having to live one reality and present a different one to the world to save face and more significantly, preserve the fiction that someone prioritizes and cares about you. Ongoing sense of embarrassment and living with a certain degree of secrecy. You do not invite friends to the house out of fear of being embarrassed by your checked-out mother.

Guilt about mom's drinking, worrying that you are the cause. Constant anxiety about the situation at home, constant anxiety about keeping the reality hidden.

Confusion, chaos, lack of routine. You don't know whether you can rely on your mom's word about giving you a ride, helping you with something, taking you somewhere, buying you something. Bedtimes and mealtimes constantly change, and a regular daily schedule does not exist. Changes in behavior without warning, rhyme, or reason, i.e. changing from being loving to angry, regardless of the child’s behavior.

Anger at the drinking, her choice to drink over being a functioning parent, anger at the chaos, the failure to provide support and protection, the neglect. Constant feeling of helplessness.

:::

In adulthood, all of the above manifests in lots of different ways including a general inability to form intimate relationships. The only person an adult child of an alcoholic trusts is herself.

You are extremely insightful and send-aware, articulating what you went through so poignantly, as did PP. Hard-won wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

PP here, and thank you very much. I'm in my 50s now, and my mother died ten years ago. My anger has mostly dissipated, but I don't think the sadness and loss will ever go away.

[Anonymous]

I posted upthread already but I wanted to add that if anyone has an alcoholic parent - even if you and your spouse don't have a problem with addiction yourselves, be aware that your children can inherit this tendency. So even if you'd like to spare your kids knowing about this, it's important that you do share it with them so they can monitor their own drinking.

My kid, who's in recovery now, told me that once she realized that she had a problem, she decided to go to AA because in her family that's what people do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted upthread already but I wanted to add that if anyone has an alcoholic parent - even if you and your spouse don't have a problem with addiction yourselves, be aware that your children can inherit this tendency. So even if you'd like to spare your kids knowing about this, it's important that you do share it with them so they can monitor their own drinking.

My kid, who's in recovery now, told me that once she realized that she had a problem, she decided to go to AA because in her family that's what people do.

Immediate PP here, and I completely agree. We talk to our young adult kids a lot about their genetics regarding alcoholism, and the associated risks. They are very aware and as far as I know, are doing well in this respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted upthread already but I wanted to add that if anyone has an alcoholic parent - even if you and your spouse don't have a problem with addiction yourselves, be aware that your children can inherit this tendency. So even if you'd like to spare your kids knowing about this, it's important that you do share it with them so they can monitor their own drinking.

My kid, who's in recovery now, told me that once she realized that she had a problem, she decided to go to AA because in her family that's what people do.

Agree, I am a little worried about one of my kids and am keeping an eye on it. DCs know that a grandparent on both sides have alcohol issues, although neither DH nor I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted upthread already but I wanted to add that if anyone has an alcoholic parent - even if you and your spouse don't have a problem with addiction yourselves, be aware that your children can inherit this tendency. So even if you'd like to spare your kids knowing about this, it's important that you do share it with them so they can monitor their own drinking.

My kid, who's in recovery now, told me that once she realized that she had a problem, she decided to go to AA because in her family that's what people do.

Immediate PP here, and I completely agree. We talk to our young adult kids a lot about their genetics regarding alcoholism, and the associated risks. They are very aware and as far as I know, are doing well in this respect.

My mother only drank in the evenings (and occasionally during outings), but I suffered emotional and physical abuse until I left home.
Yes - I already told my spouse that in case anything ever happens to me, he has to let my kids know of the history of alcoholism in my family. I saw what happened to my mother, and have never touched alcohol. My kids need to be aware.