Dh always thinks I’m comparing...is this me?

[Anonymous]

OP, sometimes I’m like you, sometimes like your DH.
Sometimes it’s really nerve-racking. For instance, we will both have been up with a sick child. Except I stay up longer to clean up the entire mess, while he goes back to sleep. And in the morning he will complain about his lack of sleep. Of course I will tell him I'm exhausted too. Because sometimes it feels like he forgot that I was up dealing with the same issue, and went to bed even later.
I know I need to work better on empathizing with him instead of commiserating with him.
I also think one reason I do it is because I never initiate complaining. I’m not sure why I don’t, I guess I don’t want to feel like I’m a burden to somebody.
A few weeks ago, he got bit on the ankle by a wasp. It was tender and swollen for several days. My ankle started hurting. I didn’t mention anything for a week because I didn’t want it to seem like I was copying him. I believe mine was a wasp sting as well, and it ended up getting infected and turning into cellulitis. Three doctors visits and a ton of anabiotic’s later, it’s still not completely healed. He keeps mentioning how his ankle was exactly the same. No - it wasn’t. But I’m not going to tell him that.

[Anonymous]

It really doesn’t matter if you are doing something “wrong” in the eyes of others or not. If you DH wants you to respond differently, then just do it to make him happy. This is the easiest way in the world to make your husband happier and your marriage better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It really doesn’t matter if you are doing something “wrong” in the eyes of others or not. If you DH wants you to respond differently, then just do it to make him happy. This is the easiest way in the world to make your husband happier and your marriage better.

Op again. For clarification I am not saying “respond the way he wants” as a blanket statement. But in this particular situation responding the way he wants is easy and not a big deal and doesn’t “cost” you anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dh is like you. For me, it’s maddening because I feel like I’m trying to carve out some space about me. When I tell him I have work to do, that’s me letting him know he’ll be on kid duty for part of the time today. When he chimes in that he needs to do work too, it’s like he’s telling me my need to work doesn’t count, because he has to do some also. It’s frustrating.

Same thing with the being tired. If I had a crap night and feel like I’m going to be bumbling through my day, a perky “me too!” from my partner isn’t helpful. It’s not empathy, it’s stealing my thunder and essentially diminishes my complaint.

I think the “me too” thing is fine with a friend, because then it really is just a conversation. But with your partner, when you’re juggling parenting and household responsibilities together, it is annoying. For me, I’m not saying how I feel just to chat, I’m letting my partner know something is off and I may need them to put in a little bit more today. When they say “me too”, they’re taking that option off the table.

Not picking on you in particular, PP - someone else said much the same thing down-thread. But folks could just say directly what they want. "I didn't sleep well, I need you to do more today" communicates what you want & doesn't leave them any space to deny that request except by being similarly direct - "I didn't sleep well either; guess we'll both have to just muddle through the day."