Attending a funeral during the pandemic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I attended a funeral for a close family member. There were 12 of us in attendance, distanced and wearing masks. The service was online for those who couldn't come. No one became sick. I wouldn't attend a funeral with a large group of people, no matter who has died.

OP here. Did everyone keep masks on and stay distanced? I worry if there's crying, shouting, etc. that masks may come off, there will be hugging, etc.

I did hug two people. Other than that, everyone stayed distanced. I cried and my mask got gross, but I kept it on until I left the church. I had back up masks, which I used at the graveside service. The thing with family is it's hard not to be physically close and hugging, especially in a time of grief.

[Anonymous]

Stick to Zoom. I know of one case where Covid was passed at an outdoor funeral. No way would I do indoor. Keep in mind even outdoor people have to use the bathroom. I relative may forget on hug you. You can honor the dead and the living by keeping everyone safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have attended 2 funerals during the pandemic. One live-streamed from the church, where 10 people were actually present (felt cold/sterile, even as close family member). The other was done as a Zoom from the church, with grandchildren participating from far playing pre-recorded music/singing and some live. It was warm, friendly, and absolutely beautiful service for this grandmother

Bet these folks wished they had gone the sterile route:

https://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article244795077.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/a-funeral-sparked-a-covid-19-outbreak--and-led-to-many-more-funerals/2020/04/03/546fa0cc-74e6-11ea-87da-77a8136c1a6d_story.html

https://www.wxii12.com/article/chatham-county-covid-19-exposure-funeral-memorial-service-coronavirus/33513176

I could keep going, sadly.

OP, new poster here. Please do not go. Like the cases above, many people feel they MUST go to a funeral. It's absolutely a huge rite of passage in our culture but it is time now to let that go and realize: Funerals are for the living; the dead don't know; and most of all, any family members who would hold this against you sadly are people who would find any reason to be offended.

Look too at the PPs above talking about hugging at funerals. Someone will "forget" or be so overcome (understandably) that they reach out and hug someone without thinking. I refer you back to the links above for how that can turn out, even with masks etc.

My friend went to the burial outdoor portion of a funeral, stayed masked and stood far from everyone else. She arrived just in time to stand way back, and left immediately. She said the relatives - all elderly-- were mostly masked and hugs started going around as the event ended. She was so upset to see these elderly relatives, most of whom are vulnerable, hugging. It IS going to happen.

As PP says, send whatever helps the family most (fruit and food basket, maybe send groceries or prepared delivered food with their OK etc.). But stick to you gut feeling and say clearly and kindly, "I'm so sorry. We've been staying very distanced. We have reason for [family member in your household] to stay isolated. I won't be attending the funeral."

Be aware -- if these relatives are flying and driving to within an hour of you, they likely will start to ask, "Can't you at least come for a short time?" (No.) "Can't you meet just a FEW of us at a restaurant? We haven't seen you in so long." (Sorry, we're not eating out right now.) "But grandma/auntie hasn't seen your kids in SO LONG!" (I know! We hope to see you soon. I'll send some photos.) Be prepared for pressure like that if they feel they are "just fine and it's nothing but a flu bug" and "you are being excessive/scared/hysterical/buying the 'fake news'" and so on.

My sibling died unexpectedly earlier in the summer. Fortunately sibling's spouse decided right away not to have a funeral (sibling didn't want one) but is doing an event in October. I was so relieved because I could not have justified -- even though this was my sibling -- taking my spouse there, who had just had an operation, or my college age DC. I also have avoided going to visit sib-in-law because they are in a high-covid area and I know this dear person would want to hug and hug. It feels awful but it's my choice and I'm sticking to it. I can't risk my health, my spouse's and our kid's. Come October, we may or may not go -- I really want to go to the event but if things are still suckingly bad in that state, I may have to say no again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close member of my extended family will likely pass very soon (extended illness, DNR). The immediate family would like to have an indoor ceremony for her. Family would be driving/flying from all over, including some from hotspots. Some are Trump supporters, and even those who are not may not adhere to wearing a mask the whole time. My family has been eating at restaurants indoors, etc. recently in their area, so I think they probably consider an hour ceremony to be no big deal.

Has anyone attended a funeral since the pandemic began? I'm torn because I want to support my family, but also don't want to attend an indoor ceremony. I'm not high risk, but don't want to risk getting it or passing it to my immediate family. What have others' funeral experiences been like recently? Did you comply with the family's wishes, or make some changes to protect yourself?

What on earth does Trump have to do with this question?

m

Ask OP! Read her original post. She’s implying her Trumpster relatives don’t care about safety or community spread, and thus won’t understand if she does not go.

Yes I know. But it's a ridiculous assumption.

[Anonymous]

Don’t do it. It Helps no one for more deaths to follow your friend’s.

This is common with Covid. No way. Honor your friend in a different, safe, way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have attended 2 funerals during the pandemic. One live-streamed from the church, where 10 people were actually present (felt cold/sterile, even as close family member). The other was done as a Zoom from the church, with grandchildren participating from far playing pre-recorded music/singing and some live. It was warm, friendly, and absolutely beautiful service for this grandmother

Bet these folks wished they had gone the sterile route:

https://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article244795077.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/a-funeral-sparked-a-covid-19-outbreak--and-led-to-many-more-funerals/2020/04/03/546fa0cc-74e6-11ea-87da-77a8136c1a6d_story.html

https://www.wxii12.com/article/chatham-county-covid-19-exposure-funeral-memorial-service-coronavirus/33513176

I could keep going, sadly.

OP, new poster here. Please do not go. Like the cases above, many people feel they MUST go to a funeral. It's absolutely a huge rite of passage in our culture but it is time now to let that go and realize: Funerals are for the living; the dead don't know; and most of all, any family members who would hold this against you sadly are people who would find any reason to be offended.

Look too at the PPs above talking about hugging at funerals. Someone will "forget" or be so overcome (understandably) that they reach out and hug someone without thinking. I refer you back to the links above for how that can turn out, even with masks etc.

My friend went to the burial outdoor portion of a funeral, stayed masked and stood far from everyone else. She arrived just in time to stand way back, and left immediately. She said the relatives - all elderly-- were mostly masked and hugs started going around as the event ended. She was so upset to see these elderly relatives, most of whom are vulnerable, hugging. It IS going to happen.

As PP says, send whatever helps the family most (fruit and food basket, maybe send groceries or prepared delivered food with their OK etc.). But stick to you gut feeling and say clearly and kindly, "I'm so sorry. We've been staying very distanced. We have reason for [family member in your household] to stay isolated. I won't be attending the funeral."

Be aware -- if these relatives are flying and driving to within an hour of you, they likely will start to ask, "Can't you at least come for a short time?" (No.) "Can't you meet just a FEW of us at a restaurant? We haven't seen you in so long." (Sorry, we're not eating out right now.) "But grandma/auntie hasn't seen your kids in SO LONG!" (I know! We hope to see you soon. I'll send some photos.) Be prepared for pressure like that if they feel they are "just fine and it's nothing but a flu bug" and "you are being excessive/scared/hysterical/buying the 'fake news'" and so on.

My sibling died unexpectedly earlier in the summer. Fortunately sibling's spouse decided right away not to have a funeral (sibling didn't want one) but is doing an event in October. I was so relieved because I could not have justified -- even though this was my sibling -- taking my spouse there, who had just had an operation, or my college age DC. I also have avoided going to visit sib-in-law because they are in a high-covid area and I know this dear person would want to hug and hug. It feels awful but it's my choice and I'm sticking to it. I can't risk my health, my spouse's and our kid's. Come October, we may or may not go -- I really want to go to the event but if things are still suckingly bad in that state, I may have to say no again.

I'm the poster who posted the links, and who also suggested to send a food basket. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you for your sacrifices to keep others safe. I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have attended 2 funerals during the pandemic. One live-streamed from the church, where 10 people were actually present (felt cold/sterile, even as close family member). The other was done as a Zoom from the church, with grandchildren participating from far playing pre-recorded music/singing and some live. It was warm, friendly, and absolutely beautiful service for this grandmother

Bet these folks wished they had gone the sterile route:

https://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article244795077.html

https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/a-funeral-sparked-a-covid-19-outbreak--and-led-to-many-more-funerals/2020/04/03/546fa0cc-74e6-11ea-87da-77a8136c1a6d_story.html

https://www.wxii12.com/article/chatham-county-covid-19-exposure-funeral-memorial-service-coronavirus/33513176

I could keep going, sadly.

OP, new poster here. Please do not go. Like the cases above, many people feel they MUST go to a funeral. It's absolutely a huge rite of passage in our culture but it is time now to let that go and realize: Funerals are for the living; the dead don't know; and most of all, any family members who would hold this against you sadly are people who would find any reason to be offended.

Look too at the PPs above talking about hugging at funerals. Someone will "forget" or be so overcome (understandably) that they reach out and hug someone without thinking. I refer you back to the links above for how that can turn out, even with masks etc.

My friend went to the burial outdoor portion of a funeral, stayed masked and stood far from everyone else. She arrived just in time to stand way back, and left immediately. She said the relatives - all elderly-- were mostly masked and hugs started going around as the event ended. She was so upset to see these elderly relatives, most of whom are vulnerable, hugging. It IS going to happen.

As PP says, send whatever helps the family most (fruit and food basket, maybe send groceries or prepared delivered food with their OK etc.). But stick to you gut feeling and say clearly and kindly, "I'm so sorry. We've been staying very distanced. We have reason for [family member in your household] to stay isolated. I won't be attending the funeral."

Be aware -- if these relatives are flying and driving to within an hour of you, they likely will start to ask, "Can't you at least come for a short time?" (No.) "Can't you meet just a FEW of us at a restaurant? We haven't seen you in so long." (Sorry, we're not eating out right now.) "But grandma/auntie hasn't seen your kids in SO LONG!" (I know! We hope to see you soon. I'll send some photos.) Be prepared for pressure like that if they feel they are "just fine and it's nothing but a flu bug" and "you are being excessive/scared/hysterical/buying the 'fake news'" and so on.

My sibling died unexpectedly earlier in the summer. Fortunately sibling's spouse decided right away not to have a funeral (sibling didn't want one) but is doing an event in October. I was so relieved because I could not have justified -- even though this was my sibling -- taking my spouse there, who had just had an operation, or my college age DC. I also have avoided going to visit sib-in-law because they are in a high-covid area and I know this dear person would want to hug and hug. It feels awful but it's my choice and I'm sticking to it. I can't risk my health, my spouse's and our kid's. Come October, we may or may not go -- I really want to go to the event but if things are still suckingly bad in that state, I may have to say no again.

OP here, thank you for your perspective. I'm sorry about your sibling. In this case, all my sibs and parents plan on attending (relative passed today). I would be the only one who doesn't, and I fear that sending a gift basket would be seen as cold and impersonal. I'm thinking that I may drive there (few hours away) but not attend any indoor events, and just see my family outdoors and masked. I want to be supportive, but don't want to take big risks. Thanks to all for sharing their thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close member of my extended family will likely pass very soon (extended illness, DNR). The immediate family would like to have an indoor ceremony for her. Family would be driving/flying from all over, including some from hotspots. Some are Trump supporters, and even those who are not may not adhere to wearing a mask the whole time. My family has been eating at restaurants indoors, etc. recently in their area, so I think they probably consider an hour ceremony to be no big deal.

Has anyone attended a funeral since the pandemic began? I'm torn because I want to support my family, but also don't want to attend an indoor ceremony. I'm not high risk, but don't want to risk getting it or passing it to my immediate family. What have others' funeral experiences been like recently? Did you comply with the family's wishes, or make some changes to protect yourself?

What on earth does Trump have to do with this question?

m

Ask OP! Read her original post. She’s implying her Trumpster relatives don’t care about safety or community spread, and thus won’t understand if she does not go.

She just couldn’t help herself. She looks down on these relatives as lesser beings who couldn’t possibly have the decency and self control to wear a mask.

OP - Churches have mask and social distancing requirements and shouldn’t be letting attendees create an unsafe environment. If you go and it turns out to be uncomfortable for you, just leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close member of my extended family will likely pass very soon (extended illness, DNR). The immediate family would like to have an indoor ceremony for her. Family would be driving/flying from all over, including some from hotspots. Some are Trump supporters, and even those who are not may not adhere to wearing a mask the whole time. My family has been eating at restaurants indoors, etc. recently in their area, so I think they probably consider an hour ceremony to be no big deal.

Has anyone attended a funeral since the pandemic began? I'm torn because I want to support my family, but also don't want to attend an indoor ceremony. I'm not high risk, but don't want to risk getting it or passing it to my immediate family. What have others' funeral experiences been like recently? Did you comply with the family's wishes, or make some changes to protect yourself?

What on earth does Trump have to do with this question?

m

Ask OP! Read her original post. She’s implying her Trumpster relatives don’t care about safety or community spread, and thus won’t understand if she does not go.

She just couldn’t help herself. She looks down on these relatives as lesser beings who couldn’t possibly have the decency and self control to wear a mask.

OP - Churches have mask and social distancing requirements and shouldn’t be letting attendees create an unsafe environment. If you go and it turns out to be uncomfortable for you, just leave.

OP here. I'm not looking down on my relatives--research has indeed found that Trump supporters are less supportive of wearing masks.

https://www.newsweek.com/trump-supporters-less-likely-back-face-masks-vaccines-poll-1513071

Also, my relatives have also posted recent pics of themselves at family gatherings indoors with no masks, so this is not a hypothetical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A close member of my extended family will likely pass very soon (extended illness, DNR). The immediate family would like to have an indoor ceremony for her. Family would be driving/flying from all over, including some from hotspots. Some are Trump supporters, and even those who are not may not adhere to wearing a mask the whole time. My family has been eating at restaurants indoors, etc. recently in their area, so I think they probably consider an hour ceremony to be no big deal.

Has anyone attended a funeral since the pandemic began? I'm torn because I want to support my family, but also don't want to attend an indoor ceremony. I'm not high risk, but don't want to risk getting it or passing it to my immediate family. What have others' funeral experiences been like recently? Did you comply with the family's wishes, or make some changes to protect yourself?

What on earth does Trump have to do with this question?

m

Ask OP! Read her original post. She’s implying her Trumpster relatives don’t care about safety or community spread, and thus won’t understand if she does not go.

She just couldn’t help herself. She looks down on these relatives as lesser beings who couldn’t possibly have the decency and self control to wear a mask.

OP - Churches have mask and social distancing requirements and shouldn’t be letting attendees create an unsafe environment. If you go and it turns out to be uncomfortable for you, just leave.

OP here. I'm not looking down on my relatives--research has indeed found that Trump supporters are less supportive of wearing masks.

https://www.newsweek.com/trump-supporters-less-likely-back-face-masks-vaccines-poll-1513071

Also, my relatives have also posted recent pics of themselves at family gatherings indoors with no masks, so this is not a hypothetical.

If you decide to go, knowing others in your party have been unsafe, you will be just as unsafe, selfish, and stupid as they are. If you go, your head is in the same sand.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go. Not at all. I think showing up but not going to the indoor event would be worse, frankly, because it gives the relatives a chance to pressure you to come in. No way, no how.

If they think *you* are cold and unfeeling when *they* are setting up the family to possibly have another round of funerals, that’s really on them.

Send a kind note, send food, make a donation, what have you, but do not go anywhere near this event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t go. Not at all. I think showing up but not going to the indoor event would be worse, frankly, because it gives the relatives a chance to pressure you to come in. No way, no how.

If they think *you* are cold and unfeeling when *they* are setting up the family to possibly have another round of funerals, that’s really on them.

Send a kind note, send food, make a donation, what have you, but do not go anywhere near this event.

OP here, I get your point, but I was thinking that I would actually go the same weekend but a different day, so less pressure to be indoors--like if they have an event on Sunday, I'd drive there and see them Sat., head back Sat. night. But maybe better just to not go at all. Thanks all for the thoughts.

[Anonymous]

My mom went to a funeral at her church this week - the first one they'd held in person in months. This was in an area w/ a positivity rate below 1%.

They had 60 people in the church, well distanced and masked.

Too soon to say if everyone escaped unscathed but they certainly tried to be safe. It was deeply valued by the family, and by the broader church community for whom the woman who died had been a pillar for decades.

[Anonymous]

I went for a family member. We limited it to 20 people in a church that sits 400. We were spread out and wore masks except to speak. We live streamed on YouTube and others were invited to join the burial outside. No gathering after. No one got sick.