Men who love a woman but are not faithful

[Anonymous]

I was in a decade long live-in relationship with a cheater. I didn't know until after and it seems the cheating was always opportunistic - at a wedding where I couldn't attend, that kind of thing.

He has just left his marriage of 20 years having cheated his way through it, abandoning his wife and kids for one of the women he cheated with. Which is a shame because his wife is really lovely and the woman he left her for is a skank.

So I wish I had answers. It baffles me. I've been told its "insecurity" but I don't believe that. I think its the opposite. And I think its the thrill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love and sex are two different things. Lots of people love someone, but crave someone else. Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

Or so you tell yourself.

My definition of love includes fidelity.

Hope you find someone who shares your perspective (vs finding someone like me and deceiving them)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

To me, loving another person means treating them with the dignity and respect that comes with a loving relationship. Acting on your desires without regard for their feelings and trust flies in the face of love. But if you don't believe that then we most certainly have a different concept of grown-up love.

Do you think the age of the person makes a difference? If you’re in your early 20s and haven’t matured yet as opposed to someone who has been an adult for a longer time?

Do you think someone can comeback from doing something like this, or should you just be done with them?

DP but I would be done with them because it's part of their personality and that isn't going to change. If they can't be faithful to you when you are in your 20's and in your prime with little pressures around you then how will it be when you are older with more responsibilities and children in the picture. I would see that person as flaky and not someone I want to go through life with.

Equally I don't think I could be bothered staying married to someone who chose to have an affair and ruin a marriage. I would consider that they have opted out of the marriage and it's dead already.

Life is too short to waste on someone who deceives you and disrespects you. I would rather be single than be in a bad marriage.

Agreed. If they cheat on you when you look your best, how will they act when you gain weight (from pregnancies) or get wrinkles, breast cancer?

Also, if you stay with them, how do they learn that you tolerate vs won't. Think of how you will beat yourself up if this happens again.

I would leave. Sorry, it would make me lose trust in, and respect for, the person.

They would become, in my mind. your average sleazy guy, not special enough to merit my love and future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

To me, loving another person means treating them with the dignity and respect that comes with a loving relationship. Acting on your desires without regard for their feelings and trust flies in the face of love. But if you don't believe that then we most certainly have a different concept of grown-up love.

Do you think the age of the person makes a difference? If you’re in your early 20s and haven’t matured yet as opposed to someone who has been an adult for a longer time?

Do you think someone can comeback from doing something like this, or should you just be done with them?

DP but I would be done with them because it's part of their personality and that isn't going to change. If they can't be faithful to you when you are in your 20's and in your prime with little pressures around you then how will it be when you are older with more responsibilities and children in the picture. I would see that person as flaky and not someone I want to go through life with.

Equally I don't think I could be bothered staying married to someone who chose to have an affair and ruin a marriage. I would consider that they have opted out of the marriage and it's dead already.

Life is too short to waste on someone who deceives you and disrespects you. I would rather be single than be in a bad marriage.

Agreed. If they cheat on you when you look your best, how will they act when you gain weight (from pregnancies) or get wrinkles, breast cancer?

Also, if you stay with them, how do they learn that you tolerate vs won't. Think of how you will beat yourself up if this happens again.

I would leave. Sorry, it would make me lose trust in, and respect for, the person.

They would become, in my mind. your average sleazy guy, not special enough to merit my love and future.

Agreed. Hard to come back when cheating occurs when all is good and they still feel the need to cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love and sex are two different things. Lots of people love someone, but crave someone else. Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

Or so you tell yourself.

My definition of love includes fidelity.

Hope you find someone who shares your perspective (vs finding someone like me and deceiving them)

Shouldn’t love include consideration for your spouse? So cheating by definition means you don’t love her since she would be upset if she found you cheating.

I think people who said on here that they love their spouse and cheat are maybe comfortable with their spouse but definitely not love them. It’s that wife takes care of the real life so they don’t have to. No love here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Love and sex are two different things. Lots of people love someone, but crave someone else. Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

This exactly. It's really that simple. Wanting to sleep with other women doesn't go away just because you are in love

[Anonymous]

I think what applies more than love and sex being two different things is that there are very different kinds and degrees of loving someone and it is highly unusual for two people to actually feel the same toward each other.

What I found out during my being cheated on experience is that he did not love me nearly as much as I loved him even though I thought he did. My love for him involved not being able to hurt him the way he was easily able to hurt me.

[Anonymous]

If you cheat you are selfish and don’t actually love the other person. You may think you do, but sadly you have never loved someone enough to put their emotional well being before yours. Not judging, just a fact. May you find true love someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love and sex are two different things. Lots of people love someone, but crave someone else. Acting on your desires doesn't mean you don't love the other person.

This exactly. It's really that simple. Wanting to sleep with other women doesn't go away just because you are in love

So does a cheater who loves his wife but cheats on her actually experience any real pain when she catches him and dumps him?

Or is he just sorry that he got caught and now can’t have his cake and eat it too.

[Anonymous]

I remember Bill Clinton giving a great answer on this (in his book?). He basically said that he knew he needed something but he didn’t know what and sex/oral/etc was something he knew he could access to get his mind off everything else so it felt like the easiest escape from pressure.

[Anonymous]

My ex needed constant validation and the ego boost that come from earning the admiration of other ladies. Preferably other people's wives.

We are still sort of friends. He regrets it now.

[Anonymous]

Men who are unfaithful don't love anyone, not even themselves. Love and respect go hand in hand and you don't cheat on someone you love and respect. These types don't understand the meaning of love at all.

[Anonymous]

This is not a black and white issue. Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love his wife, and love and sex mean different things to different people.

All of your PPs who are so absolute and black/white in their answers are not accounting for the fact that people are not all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a black and white issue. Cheating doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love his wife, and love and sex mean different things to different people.

All of your PPs who are so absolute and black/white in their answers are not accounting for the fact that people are not all the same.

Maybe true, but it definitely means he doesn't respect his wife.

[Anonymous]

Reverse here - I'm female - but was in this position. Loved my SO (now DH) , but still cheated, both when dating and in early marriage.

It's about compartmentalizing. About being in the moment. Wherever you are, nothing else matters. I'm away on a trip, SO is at home, out of sight out of mind. As soon as I got back home, the trip went into the memory archives, no lasting influence.

DHl never found out. I'm working on reforming, it's been 5 years since I last cheated. Still strange to think I might not ever kiss another person. I'm like an addict, taking it one day at a time.