DH bickers a picks about stupid things

[Anonymous]

Have you read “men are from Mars”? He talks alot about men needing to feel appreciated and gives specific examples. I’m sure this board will not think much of the book, but I think it’s a classic and very helpful for both men and women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op. Yes, I'd be happy to do counseling. He says he won't though. We went years ago and he said he felt ganged up on, even though he hardly said a word during the sessions.

NP. See a counselor by yourself ASAP if he refuses to go.

I'd make one serious effort to convince him to go to couples counseling first. You might have to present it along lines of "When I ask what I can do that would make you feel appreciated, I feel I get no response, and a professional third party could help us both figure out what we need" etc. Write a script for yourself, edit it, be prepared for him to get angry so you can stay calm no matter what he says to you. If he brings up "You and that other counselor ganged up on me!" be ready for that too. I think that it is NOT condescending (as a PP claimed) for you to ask him what he is really angry about. Use "when X happens, I feel Y" statements--Not "You blew up over candy and that was unnecessary and dumb" but "When you tell me I'm wrong over something like a price, I feel belittled" etc.

Have you calmly pointed out to him that your son asked you both to stop? DH heard that from son too, right? Can you use that fact to point out that son is now listening to these exchanges?

A solo counselor could help you decide how to talk to him about couples counseling, too.

Has he always had these "I have to be right" traits or is this relatively new? Past few months, past year, more? Or, since before you married? If it's a change, that's a red flag that there's some issue that wasn't there previously and it sounds like maybe only a counselor (and or a doctor to check him out physically too) could help uncover it.

OP: Your child is seeing and hearing this behavior to the point he's upset and embarrassed by it. He's also on some level learning from his dad that this is how a husband and wife "communicate." This is your huge, waving red flag signaling you to get help with this dynamic: It is clearly affecting your child who is at an age when he's soaking up all he sees and hears. Solo counseling, try to get couples counseling, be sure son gets a lot of your positive attention in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

Had an ex who became like this after awhile. Turns out, he was having an affair and looking to find fault in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op. Yes, I'd be happy to do counseling. He says he won't though. We went years ago and he said he felt ganged up on, even though he hardly said a word during the sessions.

NP. See a counselor by yourself ASAP if he refuses to go.

I'd make one serious effort to convince him to go to couples counseling first. You might have to present it along lines of "When I ask what I can do that would make you feel appreciated, I feel I get no response, and a professional third party could help us both figure out what we need" etc. Write a script for yourself, edit it, be prepared for him to get angry so you can stay calm no matter what he says to you. If he brings up "You and that other counselor ganged up on me!" be ready for that too. I think that it is NOT condescending (as a PP claimed) for you to ask him what he is really angry about. Use "when X happens, I feel Y" statements--Not "You blew up over candy and that was unnecessary and dumb" but "When you tell me I'm wrong over something like a price, I feel belittled" etc.

Have you calmly pointed out to him that your son asked you both to stop? DH heard that from son too, right? Can you use that fact to point out that son is now listening to these exchanges?

A solo counselor could help you decide how to talk to him about couples counseling, too.

Has he always had these "I have to be right" traits or is this relatively new? Past few months, past year, more? Or, since before you married? If it's a change, that's a red flag that there's some issue that wasn't there previously and it sounds like maybe only a counselor (and or a doctor to check him out physically too) could help uncover it.

OP: Your child is seeing and hearing this behavior to the point he's upset and embarrassed by it. He's also on some level learning from his dad that this is how a husband and wife "communicate." This is your huge, waving red flag signaling you to get help with this dynamic: It is clearly affecting your child who is at an age when he's soaking up all he sees and hears. Solo counseling, try to get couples counseling, be sure son gets a lot of your positive attention in the meantime.

Thanks for the thoughtful post. This isn't new behavior, but worse and more frequent. His general "poor me, you don't appreciate me" attitude is newer, in the past few years.

His parents did this too. Since his mom passed away 7 years ago, I now see it was probably just his dad starting these stupid fights, his mom defending herself and him push push pushing to always be right. It's always driven dh crazy. We hated being around them at times. And since his mom died, even dh has talked about what a jerk his dad is. And yet, dh has a baffling lack of insight into his own behavior.

So yes, it kills me that our son is seeing this. That's the worst of it.

I'm going to look for counselors today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can commiserate. It’s f’ng exhausting.

+1