Frustrated with DH's job search

[Anonymous]

If I were in your shoes, I would do a nation wide job search and try to find a great job that I love, move my family wherever I wanted to go, get a house I can afford on one salary, and make my life as good as it could possibly be. Why waste your time worrying about what he will or won’t do?

[Anonymous]

He needs to go to a temp agency. If he has a degree and office experience, it shouldn't be that hard for him to find some temp placements, and hopefully one of them will turn into a full time job with benefits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Three months ago, DH was laid off from work. We knew it was coming (company was downsizing significantly, lots of layoffs) but still devastating. Fortunately, we're managing with my salary after making some significant reduction in expenses, which in the long-term is a good strategy for us. DH was in a dying industry so it was clear the subsequent job would be outside previous career path. He hated the job so working in a whole new industry isn't the worst thing in the world. We need about extra $3K/month in order be financially "comfortable." Finding a job in the $40K salary range in the DC area shouldn't be that difficult. He has several college degrees, good past work history, and several former bosses willing to provide references. However, it has been 3 months and he has not applied to a single job. Reasons, he is still working on this resume, he has contacted former clients who have some names to provide, others at his job who were laid off have been looking for months, etc. I know it's difficult to start all over again but we have children and responsibilities. I'm working 60 hour/week and exhausted. I have a demanding job but stuck with it knowing that he didn't job security. He is in constant conflict with the kids because he is home all the time and always trying to make drastic changes to family life. It's not a good situation.

It is not reasonable to call what he has been doing for the last 3 months "a job search." When I needed to, I could revise my resume in an afternoon. It's not that difficult or time consuming. In your situation, I would have a conversation with him in which you explain that you are exhausted from working 12-hour days and that he needs to find a job of some kind paying at least $3k/month by mid-March or your marriage is officially in a crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to go to a temp agency. If he has a degree and office experience, it shouldn't be that hard for him to find some temp placements, and hopefully one of them will turn into a full time job with benefits.

That’s what I would suggest too. You don’t need to replace, like, $250k+ a year senior management level income, but you need something better than a part time service gig. That’s where temp agencies come in.

[Anonymous]

I always think of workers comp return to work rates when I hear about people chilling for a few months together before getting out there... the longer one is out of a job, the less likely that person is to return to a job effectively. He needs to move his feet. Otherwise when he's 'ready' to get hired, the market may no longer be willing to hire him. Self-esteem, anxiety, physical ability, mental agility- it all goes downhill surprisingly quickly when not working to one's potential.

[Anonymous]

This program has gotten positive reviews on this board. It is in NoVA on Tuesday nights.

https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/blog/2011/07/28/virginia-ministry-uses-networks-get-people-back-work

No need to be a member of the church and according to people who have been they were not preached at. Supposed to have a good track record helping older adults with job hunts.

[Anonymous]

3 months is not long. Op, you need to consider that this may be the new normal for close to a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:3 months is not long. Op, you need to consider that this may be the new normal for close to a year.

Not to scare you but I have two friends out of work right now. One is coming up on their two year mark in July (they have a masters and tons of experience in entertainment finance), the other was mid-Summer 2019 (BA and years & years of experience in marketing and partnerships). It is hard out there.


That said, this doesn't make it less stressful. The idea of a career coach and/or headhunter is a good way to go and may help jumpstart your DH into action.

[Anonymous]

My DH has been looking for 1 year now- it’s so depressing, discouraging etc.... he gets tons and tons of interviews but never the job.

Meanwhile I work full time with 3 kids under 4. We live in a cheap cost of living area which helps. I make $70k -my dad pays for their daycare right now - don’t want to rely on my family but he is happy to help . Yes - my dh could watch the kids but we want his job to be looking for work right now

It takes a lot of effort to be uplifting and encouraging but it’s getting scarier as time goes on and he is still unemployed.

It’s all I think about .... I’m just happy I get to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's probably depressed, insecure, and feeling paralyzed.

This. My DH went through this, and he is the most positive guy I have ever met, self starter, works like crazy, loves being around people. But being let go during a reorganization messed with his head. It was like he questioned everything about what he believed about himself. I wanted him to use a career coach, but we really didn't have the money we could spare on that. So I attempted to tough love him when he continued work on the resume, working on investments, working on all kinds of things that ultimately wasn't about going out and finding another job. Also, a big part of this is he didn't want to go to his network to say he was looking.

I'm not sure we would have gotten through it had we not had a very solid foundation going into it. And even then it was a huge stress. He had to find a way to reinvent himself. Now, on the other side, he sees what was going on.

What was also interesting to me is that he has always been my biggest support during my much more turbulent career. He always had the right thing to say when I needed to hear it, or had something not work out. He was a giant cheerleader to me. So it was a surprise that he couldn't do it for himself.

[Anonymous]

OP - Your husband needs to talk to a therapist who may be able to work with him to help him sort things out as a neutral and trained professional. At the same time the therapist will know soon if he should be screened for anxiety or depression. A major change even if not unexpected can lead to a sudden change of chemical balance that medication might be needed to rebalance.

For DH and others who are out long-term, one might consider going for an evaluation at a community college career center to see how they might add to their skills set or put one’s work experience in a new career path. In our area some certificate programs covered by employers who need to fill jobs. I also second the idea of going to a head hunter or temp agency to see what might be out there if there are skills which are transferable.

The idea of going to the local workforce center or the church sponsored job seekers group can be a positive experience in sharing one’s concerns about the future with others in the same boat. Taking advantage of free resources to review a resume, develop several iterations of your resume, write a cover letter,
And understand what web sites to getba presence on such as Linked in. Having the chance to brush up on interviewing can be helpful.

[Anonymous]

He could get a job as a retail or fast casual manager anywhere and make 55-75 plus benefits.

[Anonymous]

Wait tables. I waited tables at a trendy restaurant downtown and made a TON of money. Plus it was a lot of fun, way better than an average job .

[Anonymous]

It is really hard OP. I think he should join a job club. There is a group called 40+ that has a lot of good programming. Some is free...some is not. But, it is good for a job-seeker to get out of the house and talk to other people in search mode and to make connections. http://www.40plus-dc.org /

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s so interesting how people in this board are very understanding about men who are unemployed (or underemployed) and yet there’s so much disdain for SAHMs. This is baffling because often - like in OP’s case - these men are making home life more difficult for their families as opposed to the SAHM who takes on most of the house responsibilities.

I really don’t get it.

What? That's not even close to the same thing.