12 YO Needs to learn to carry a conversation.

[Anonymous]

My DD sounds very similar to yours. Mine has been diagnosed with social anxiety and she has been seeing a therapist for about a year. It helps somewhat but it is still difficult for her to carry a conversation, as you say. Just last weekend, she was at a sporting event and one of her teammates was taking a video of her (at her request). When that girl came by later to return DD's phone, DD just took the phone without even looking up or a simple thank you. I asked her later why and she said she just could not, she froze and was afraid of being "rejected." This is just an example of her struggles. We have decided to pursue medication for her (in addition to the therapy) so these seemingly simple interactions can be handled more stress-free. Anyway, good luck ! I am in the same boat as you.

[Anonymous]

Is there a book club at her school or a nearby library? A sympathetic librarian might be able to suggest something she'd enjoy.

My gifted-program, bookworm DD does really well when she can talk about books or movies she's excited about, but has always had a terrible time with casual small talk. Lots of shy/anxious people find their niche in fan groups. They tend to forget about being nervous when they're arguing the merits of this character over that one.

[Anonymous]

It’s expensive but have you considered cty or other “gifted” camp? Sometimes a positive camp e perimeter can translate into new skills/greater confidence during the school year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It could definitely be anxiety.

Oh my word. This child is me, when I was young. Bookish, putting herself out there with limited success, too anxious to talk to my existing friends, let alone make new ones, etc. It was hard to live through, and I feel for your daughter.

Here’s food for thought: into adulthood, I would make up excuses when I had to leave a social engagement. A socially skilled roommate called me on it once, and taught me the phrase, “ This has been great.” It seems like such a small thing now, but at the time it was a revelation. It has freed me from so much social anxiety to be able to leave a party after I ran out of people to talk to. As an adult, I would kill for a PEERS class, and I would have welcomed it as a kid, as long as my friends and classmates didn’t know. Coaching from a therapist might also work, if you need insurance to afford this. She might qualify under an anxiety diagnosis. Ask your pediatrician for recommendations.

The well-intentioned “find her people” advice is not something I would advocate. I found my people eventually, but the years of waiting in the meantime was torture. Moreover, over-reliance on a few friends taxed those relationships more than was fair.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again for all the helpful responses. I will definitely check out the books recommend here and am going to reach out to the school counselor and pediatrician so she can start getting help. I’m so glad I posted here. The idea that she has social anxiety never occurred to me, it now I’m pretty sure that’s what she has. Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Talking to the school counselor can help ... at the very least they will be supportive of her and can watch for opportunities to help her.

I'm a parent of a boy with HFA and we've been keeping him in social skills groups. I know groups for girls exist, but they're more difficult to come by. They tend to gender separate social skills groups because "social skills" expectations vary dramatically by gender in this age group. The group helps kids manage all kinds of social situations.

Especially given your daughter is in tears about this, I would recommend finding a therapist. A good therapist can also help your DD find the right social skills group or develop hobbies that can help her meet "her people" and manage the anxiety that goes with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the helpful responses. I’m thinking she might have social anxiety. I never considered this before, but I think she has a textbook case.

I agree. I vote for activities. As an anxious bookworm socially isolated kid I could never understand now other kids knew what songs/clothes/tv shows/celebrities were cool, it was like they had secret knowledge (pre-internet of course, pre even cable tv). When we had something in school where we would present an interest I would always be completely off. But band, scouts, church group, choir/chorus, etc etc. Even if you're not a major conversationalist, when you're in the band bus listening to everyone you can feel like one. I was also interested in politics and social issues so class discussions got me going.

I think my parents and friends of theirs engineered some contacts for me as a kid--people they knew through church or work, also famikly events with relatives.

[Anonymous]

I’d hire a teen girl to “babysit”. Go to the mall, talk about whatever teens talk about.

She sounds like she just needs s big sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD sounds very similar to yours. Mine has been diagnosed with social anxiety and she has been seeing a therapist for about a year. It helps somewhat but it is still difficult for her to carry a conversation, as you say. Just last weekend, she was at a sporting event and one of her teammates was taking a video of her (at her request). When that girl came by later to return DD's phone, DD just took the phone without even looking up or a simple thank you. I asked her later why and she said she just could not, she froze and was afraid of being "rejected." This is just an example of her struggles. We have decided to pursue medication for her (in addition to the therapy) so these seemingly simple interactions can be handled more stress-free. Anyway, good luck ! I am in the same boat as you.

My 12 year old daughter is having similar issues. this is an older post but I found it searching g for help. I am hoping this person who moved on to medication sees this and can report back on r results.
my kid is perfectly fine being isolated during this pandemic. she has no interest in texting or talking to any of her classmates. She is in a ton of groups outside of school and I hate to say, it isnt helping. she makes comments that make me feel it is social anxiety but she is also a little immature for her age and losing her friends as they move on to other interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD sounds very similar to yours. Mine has been diagnosed with social anxiety and she has been seeing a therapist for about a year. It helps somewhat but it is still difficult for her to carry a conversation, as you say. Just last weekend, she was at a sporting event and one of her teammates was taking a video of her (at her request). When that girl came by later to return DD's phone, DD just took the phone without even looking up or a simple thank you. I asked her later why and she said she just could not, she froze and was afraid of being "rejected." This is just an example of her struggles. We have decided to pursue medication for her (in addition to the therapy) so these seemingly simple interactions can be handled more stress-free. Anyway, good luck ! I am in the same boat as you.

My 12 year old daughter is having similar issues. this is an older post but I found it searching g for help. I am hoping this person who moved on to medication sees this and can report back on r results.
my kid is perfectly fine being isolated during this pandemic. she has no interest in texting or talking to any of her classmates. She is in a ton of groups outside of school and I hate to say, it isnt helping. she makes comments that make me feel it is social anxiety but she is also a little immature for her age and losing her friends as they move on to other interests.

[Anonymous]

You probably aren't going to like this, but do you allow her a little bit of social media (supervised)?

It will help her understand the "language" and have something to talk about.

Again, supervised and limited. But I find a lot if it cute and allows girls something to talk about.