miserable at orientation

[Anonymous]

I think most kids feel this way, especially if they've lived in one neighborhood and gone through a school system where they always knew many if not most of the kids throughout their childhood. And the orientation activities that colleges set up, while well-meaning and undoubtedly helpful for many kids, aren't going to do the trick for everybody for all kinds of reasons. I hated that kind of organized get-to-know-each-other group stuff and didn't enjoy any of it, but once classes started everything was completely fine and over time I made many good friends. I agree with others that say at least give it the full freshman year before deciding to look elsewhere, since a big part of it's likely attributable to just the disturbing feelings attendant for most of us on any hugely significant life change. Most likely your DD will be about as happy there as she would anywhere else, OP, when all's said and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got back from orientation. DD was miserable. She connected with nobody and felt awkward in the small groups. She normally is not shy or socially awkward. Worried she may have picked the wrong school. Anyone else experience something similar? How did it turn out?

Did she have a tight close friendship group in HS? The ones that I see having the hardest transition to college are the ones that had a great HS social experience. It it takes a while to build that back up. The ones with meh experiences tend to adapt a little faster. At least that has been my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just got back from orientation. DD was miserable. She connected with nobody and felt awkward in the small groups. She normally is not shy or socially awkward. Worried she may have picked the wrong school. Anyone else experience something similar? How did it turn out?

Chances are others felt the same way. Did she see other people having fun, was it authentic or forced, was she also pretending? Maybe they all were. It is a new thing for everyone and quite scary. Don't expect to make friends in such a s hort period of time. Can happen but does not need to happen.

In general people who are supper bubbly make friends immediately but you also can get tired of them sooner so
the quiet types who are great friends might take time to be discovered. That is why your dd should not get discouraged by the first impression. If she expected to click and make friends the first day then she simply put too much pressure on herself and frankly irrational. Most people are happy to make some good friends within the first year not first day or week.
She should focus on important things and the rest will come naturally. She will be in classes with people, in dorms,
in cafeterias, there will be people literarily everywhere and once they star talking, and finding common things this is when and where true friendships get created.

If she had someone found by now it would be only due to the mutual desperation for having someone now, but logically speaking she is mature enough to go for few months solo and just keep looking as everybody will be looking.
She must remember the transition from elem. to middle and to high.. it is always tough in the beginning unless she was traveling through this with bunch of friends so that she missed those opportunities to mature going solo..
but if she missed now she can make up for it. luckily being so much older stronger and more mature.

You need to remind her to make reasonable expectance for her friendship timing. Ask her what she think is reasonable and does she think she truly has no chance?

If she wants to cancel the school over it, what guarantee she has the other school will be different. All kids now are in panic mode and anxiety mode.. it is a big huge change so except few on Prozac and or super outgoing kinds who you probably just go about and make friends like a bad guy who sleeps with everybody.. meh..

give it a time.

[Anonymous]

Likely just a bout of buyer's remorse. Common and transitory. Is she planning to match with a roommate in advance or go random?

[Anonymous]

Do colleges typically have orientations so early in the summer? Why don’t they just have them when freshman/new students move into their dorms in August/September?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do colleges typically have orientations so early in the summer? Why don’t they just have them when freshman/new students move into their dorms in August/September?

My kid is an orientation leader at a school that has an incoming freshman class of about 7,000 students, and they do orientation during the first week of move-in. It takes about 800 student volunteers to run this program, in addition to the staff involvement, and because of its scale, it takes an incredible amount of planning. It also means that 7,000 kids are all trying to see their advisors, finalize registration for classes, etc., at once. Splitting that up for four or five sessions over the summer lessons the task somewhat, although I'm sure it still comes with its share of logistical challenges. Suffice to say that there is not one perfect way to do this.

[Anonymous]

I made the mistake of opting into the unofficial Parents of students at XYZ university Facebook group.

There were some really overinvolved parents there, including some who were posting things on day 2 of orientation "My son has eaten alone for the last 2 meals. Does anyone have a student who might want to have lunch with him today?" And LOTS of parents were chiming in with suggestions.

Let the kid navigate this and own their choice of school. It will probably be fine, and, if it isn't transferring, isn't the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

I was miserable at orientation and ended up hating/leaving the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Orientation misery is normal.

Normal? It's a blast for the overwhelming majority of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I made the mistake of opting into the unofficial Parents of students at XYZ university Facebook group.

There were some really overinvolved parents there, including some who were posting things on day 2 of orientation "My son has eaten alone for the last 2 meals. Does anyone have a student who might want to have lunch with him today?" And LOTS of parents were chiming in with suggestions.

Let the kid navigate this and own their choice of school. It will probably be fine, and, if it isn't transferring, isn't the end of the world.

I chuckled at first. But then I felt sad for the kid. If I read this I probably would have texted my kid to find the lonely kid and ask him to join for lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Orientation misery is normal.

Normal? It's a blast for the overwhelming majority of kids.

Nah. I hate pre-programmed social activities. An elaborate orientation that involved icebreakers (**shudder**) would have made me miserable.

[Anonymous]

This brings me back to my orientation 1997. Exactly the same thing. It was awful. I loved my college when it started for real and had a wonderful time. Can she try to connect with others in social media?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I transferred after my freshman year. I ended up at a school where other kids I knew were also there. Biggest mistake I made was going where I knew no one.

Same. My parents kept telling me to start fresh with no one I knew, but that was a terrible mistake for me.

For me, it was wonderful and I intentionally chose a school.where I knew no one. Made lots of new friends by the end of first semester.

She should give it a chance OP, maybe she will grow as a person in the new environment away from home. Or maybe she will still dislike it, but she can always transfer if it doesn't fit her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just got back from orientation. DD was miserable. She connected with nobody and felt awkward in the small groups. She normally is not shy or socially awkward. Worried she may have picked the wrong school. Anyone else experience something similar? How did it turn out?

Did she have a tight close friendship group in HS? The ones that I see having the hardest transition to college are the ones that had a great HS social experience. It it takes a while to build that back up. The ones with meh experiences tend to adapt a little faster. At least that has been my experience.

I found this to be true as well.

Kids who had a meh or unpleasant high school experience tend to look forward to college, moving on, and making new friends a bit more than others who had a fulfilling high school friend group and loved it.

[Anonymous]

Orientation is misery for many. I hated it in both undergrad and grad school. It takes me time to warm up to people and it seemed like everyone was grouping off without me on day one. The majority of those people were not friends a few weeks in and I found my people over time. You need to let her figure it out. Can be someone for her to talk to and encourage her, but this is where the real learning starts.