teacher told me my kid is a "follower"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your child is not one of the bossy ones!

This. My 4 year old is also one of the followers. She has a particularly domineering friend who will all refer to as a "strong leader" which means she is bossy AF. It's cool, it takes all types. My DD works out her need to have control by bossing me and her little brother around.

My DD prefers to participate in games other kids initiate. She's gotten better this year at taking the lead on occasion. But...I don't see it as a bad thing that she sits back and watches the action unfold before jumping in to join. It's just the give and take of socializing. She's also on the younger 1/3 of her class (she turns 5 next month) so it seems sort of natural.

I'm not worried about it one tiny little bit.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid who's a follower too--the teacher's observation of this would just highlight for me what to look out for going forward. And it would confirm our own observations--we're already working with her on assertiveness, etc. Nothing to be upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- if teacher had said she was following others into some bad activities, or not listening to the teacher and instead following others, that would be one thing and would be valuable information. But she said it as in -- she's not directing the play, she is following in others' play. It seemed like a useless observation to me.

Why would that be useless information? It sounds important to me. I wonder if you were really able to hear what she said since you were so offended. Maybe take some time to cool off and then ask the teacher to clarify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you OFFENDED that the teacher is telling you valuable information? Parents are so insane. Be grateful you need to pay extra mind to talks about peer pressure instead of irritated your kid isn’t the most extra special magical kid any teacher has ever met.

+100

[Anonymous]

While it can be used as an insult, it normally is not. There are definitely leaders and followers and while most parents want their children to be A-types and leaders, not all children are. And specifically, not all children of A-types are A-types.

Usually, it is obvious from context when it is an insult. That is usually when it is said that someone can't think for themselves and mindlessly follows others to do the wrong thing. In this context, people are also often called "sheep" or "lemmings". In this situation, your teacher is not insulting your child. She is saying that your child does not initiate or lead games and group play. In this context it does not say or imply that your child cannot think or play independently, just how (s)he interacts in group play. That is useful to know and often something that parents don't know if they don't see their child in group play situations with peers. Some parents only see they child in group play at a playground where the children are playing with other children that they don't know and this is not always indicative of their group interactive skills. In a school setting, you have a better idea of the child's interactive skills when they are interacting with peers that they are familiar with and it takes out the element of whether the child is comfortable dictating play with children they don't know.

It is useful information, not an insult and should be taken as constructive.

[Anonymous]

I don't think it's particularly useful information. It's sort of interesting, maybe. If you can, just try and laugh it off. A teacher calling your child a "follower" will probably seem like a humorous anecdote sometime not to far in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- if teacher had said she was following others into some bad activities, or not listening to the teacher and instead following others, that would be one thing and would be valuable information. But she said it as in -- she's not directing the play, she is following in others' play. It seemed like a useless observation to me.

Aren’t all observations of kid behavior “useless” by that definition?

Yet, something tells me you wouldn’t be this worked up if the teacher had said the opposite-that your child is a leader

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- if teacher had said she was following others into some bad activities, or not listening to the teacher and instead following others, that would be one thing and would be valuable information. But she said it as in -- she's not directing the play, she is following in others' play. It seemed like a useless observation to me.

Aren’t all observations of kid behavior “useless” by that definition?

Yet, something tells me you wouldn’t be this worked up if the teacher had said the opposite-that your child is a leader

Fair enough, pp. There were other things going on with this classroom and my relationship to the teachers that affected my perception of this comment as being useful and informative. I’ll take it as something to look out for but also with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

I have a DD who is a follower, too, OP. If a teacher told me this, I would take it to mean that my child seems easily influenced by her peers. It's actually important and useful information. Not everyone is a leader and even among kids who aren't leaders, some are more easily coerced into following the crowd than others.

[Anonymous]

I've gotten similar feedback and also wondered at first why in the world that would be something shared. It wasn't until several weeks later that it actually led to some good conversations with DD about school and the relationships she's forming in her little 4 yo world. She always seemed so happy so it was something I hadn't thought about, but she also shared that she often wanted to play other things and wouldn't ask because everybody was busy playing other things. We worked on role playing how to ask kids if they wanted to play other things and I feel like it really boosted her confidence.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's better than being told your child is "bossy" and "tells the other kids how to do things"? That's what I heard when my oldest DD was in preschool.

I wasn't offended; I already knew these things because I'm her mom! I talked to DD about letting other kids lead and make decisions for the group, too. Teach your child how to do the opposite -- e.g., to take the baton and make the decision!

[Anonymous]

I’ve gotten the same feedback about my DS more than once. He doesn’t instigate misbehavior but he will jump right in. He will also go along with whatever play a more dominant kid suggests. I’m a 5th grade teacher and have watched many a a sweet “follower” kid get swept up in the shenanigans or unkindness of a “leader” kid.

Since I don’t often get to see my kid interact with lots of peers, I appreciate knowing that we may need to have lots of conversations about taking responsibility for his own actions, making his own choices, being assertive, etc., as well as take extra care about who he spends a lot of time with.

I’ve asked my son's caregivers/teachers to please be direct and honest about what they see. I know from almost 2 decades of experience how defensive parents can get and therefore how teachers often sugarcoat or avoid saying anything that could be perceived as negative.

[Anonymous]

I teach preschool. It’s hard to do conference reviews. I hate giving negative feedback—I only do so if it’s something important I think the parents should know about their kid. It’s not for my benefit, but for yours.

Most kids vacillate between being leaders and followers in the classroom. Some lean towards one side more often than the other. If the teachers are telling you in a conference that your dd is a follower, then it must be noticeable enough compared to the others that they are pointing it out. It could be that she’s always watching someone in particular (if sally won’t sing the circle song, your dd doesn’t sing it. If sally doesn’t want to slide, your dd doesn’t either). What does it mean? That possibly your dd is a bit more anxious at school than you think. Or she idolizes Sally. Or that she might be highly influenced by her peers if you (and teachers) don’t step in and do some role play and encouraging. Or it could be nothing and she’ll be a totally different kid next year in K. But it’s not worth getting angry over.