When would you talk to a child about a grandparent that passed before the child was born?

[Anonymous]

My maternal grandpa passed nearly 20 years before I was born. It was just a fact of life. my mother talked about him and who he was, what he did, what life was like with him, etc. But it wasn’t....a thing? It just came up when my mom would talk about her dad. There were pictures of him in our house, so I knew who he was. I also didn’t know my paternal grandfather, really, I think I met him less than 5 time before he died when I was 8 and I only have very vague memories of that.

[Anonymous]

My MIL passed very suddenly when I was pregnant with our oldest son, we talk about her all the time, always have. He feels like he knew her because we kept her spirit alive.

Her father (DH grandfather) died the day after our same son was born - same thing. He knows all the stories and feels the connection.

[Anonymous]

My mom’s dad died long before we were born and we grew up hearing stories about him, funny things he did, words of wisdom, etc. It was never sad for us because we didn’t feel the loss of someone we’d never known. It was just happy and funny and nice to hear about our family member. I would mention your mother just as you would mention other living family members—whenever it is relevant to the moment at hand.

[Anonymous]

At some point, when she grasps that everyone has two parents, she will ask about yours.

[Anonymous]

Echoing that it’s a way bigger deal for you than it will be for your kid. I don’t know if this is part of it for you, but I thought my kid would then worry about me, his own mother, dying while relatively young. But that doesn’t seem to have happened in my case. It’s hard for kids to truly think of their parents as kids, I think.

[Anonymous]

We have always shown pictures of family, including those who have passed. We would look at photo albums like any other story and talk about what and who we see, so they have always known about certain people. When they touch my necklace, I make sure they know it was my grandma's, when I bake I talk about who I got the recipe from. Now at early elementary school age they have a good sense of those relationships and where they come from. They will never feel close to my grandmother who they never met, but they do know how she shaped my life.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP.
I know it’s not the same thing, but my own grandparents died before my kids were born (except for one). I talk about them on a regular basis— I share stories, jokes they liked to tell, memories, who was named after whom, etc. They’ve also seen photos of them.

[Anonymous]

My Dads father died when my Dad was one. I don’t know when I learned this, it seems like I always knew it. We celebrated Passover as a way of remembering him, even though we were Catholic (Grandpa converted to marry a Catholic, long story.)

Right now we are dealing with a Grandparent who just died and another diagnosed with a crappy illness. Death is all a part of life, a sucky part. DS has heard both of us discuss special memories of our Grandparents and we encourage him to share memories of his Grandpa.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all these replies - but a similar situation here. I just talk about my mom Often. If I see something she would have liked, I mention it. My mom was an artist and some of her work is in my house so when every once in a while catch my child looking at one of the pieces and say “grandma painted that - she was an artist . . . “. If we are somewhere amazing I’ll just “grandma would have loved it here and then talk about. At the holidays I’ll mention we are using grandmas recipe and she like xyz about the holiday.

This is not daily or even weekly - just when the moment strikes.

[Anonymous]

MIL passed away when DS was 3 months old. A little different because we do have some pictures of them together, but he obviously has no memory of her. And DS2 came a couple of years later, so no pictures with them.

We just always talked about her. We had a small photo album with some family pictures, which we used as one of our bedtime books. We always paused on her picture and talked about her for a minute. If we were singing a song or reading a book that she had liked, we'd mention it. "Oh, your grandma Susie loved this book. She's not alive anymore, but when Daddy was a little boy she read this to him all the time!" Just very casually brought her name up frequently, so she wasn't any big mystery.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother raised me, so she held the "mom" part of my heart. I've always talked about her and had her picture up. Whenever we'd drive by her favorite spots, I'd point them out to my daughter and talk about the time we did XYZ. I talk about her so much that my daughter (now eight years old) brings up memories that I shared with her as if she was around to experience them.

We all have different experiences with death. Talking about her makes me feel better. Other people don't feel that way. There's not right or wrong way to go about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always talked about it. It sounds like your child is only about a year old so I don’t know that he will understand much but it is just something I talked about from the beginning.

+1

I agree. I don't make my kid a sounding board for my grief, but I talk about their deceased grandparents just like I talk about living ones. I tell stories that they told me or about them, talk about how much I loved spending time with them, etc.

So if you look at your child and you think how much your mom would have loved him, say so. "You know, Larlo, your Grandma [whoever] would have loved you so much! She would have liked to do X with you." If he asks questions, answer them, and just follow his lead. Be honest--you loved her and you miss her, but she's still in your heart.

[Anonymous]

I'm on the other side: an adult whose grandfather (paternal) and grandmother (maternal) died before I was born/when I was 6 months old. So I grew up hearing stories about these grandparents (and my parents referred to them with the names they would have been called had they lived) and have seen countless photos. I certainly feel connected to them, although I never knew them.