Learning to say no (to fellow parents)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree 100% with PP.

To all you selfish people, get over yourselves! And to all of you who hate carpools and always say no, good luck when you get a flat tire, your car is in the shop, you have the flu and your kid needs to be at some activity, you have older kids who do different activities in different parts of the county at the same time and you cannot get them both (or all 3 or 4) where they need to be when they need to be there, etc.

We all need to help each other out when we can and not be assholes.

That PP wrote a polite response. Yours is rude. Why do you feel vulgar names are necessary here?

You preached "we all need to help each other" but also refer to those who don't help as you see fit as being selfish and a [jerk]. You seem unable to consider that people might have many reasons not to want to carpool besides "selfishness."

And a situation like a flat tire or someone being sick, and asking for help then, is not "carpooling," which is a regular, scheduled, ongoing deal. I don't do carpools but would gladly help out someone in situations like those. I'm sure most of us would help and most of us have friends who would help us if we were the ones making the request. Even if we weren't carpool partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree 100% with PP.

To all you selfish people, get over yourselves! And to all of you who hate carpools and always say no, good luck when you get a flat tire, your car is in the shop, you have the flu and your kid needs to be at some activity, you have older kids who do different activities in different parts of the county at the same time and you cannot get them both (or all 3 or 4) where they need to be when they need to be there, etc.

We all need to help each other out when we can and not be assholes.

If I car pool, it needs to be something that is convenient for me. So, if the kid is in my neighborhood and I can pick them up easily, I am cool with car pooling. If you want me to drive out of my way in order to get your kid, then thanks but no thanks. I have a tight enough schedule with getting home from work in time to pick my child up from school, get his homework done, get him a snack (or dinner dependent on the time of the practice) and getting out the door. Adding more then a few minutes to my departure time is not happening. If a friend has the flu and needs some help getting their kid to practice, I will happily help. But that is not carpooling, that is helping.

I have no problem watching my friends kids, my kid likes playing with their kids. He is entertained and it helps a friend. Win-win. From time to time, they watch my kid. It is reciprocal.

I have offered to take a child to an event when I know that his parents have other events planned for their other kids. Sometimes the parents take me up on it, sometimes they don't. We normally can do this on the weekend when I don't have to balance my being tired after working and squeezing in what my son needs to do before practice. The pace is slower and it is easier to go pick a kid up who is 10-15 minutes away.

But my saying no to your questions is not my being selfish, it is me knowing my limits, knowing my kids limits and enforcing our boundaries. I accept other peoples nos with grace, I expect others to handle my no with grace.

I choose to have one kid, so I don't have to balance the schedule that my friends with 2 or more kids have to balance. My friends with multiple friends tell me that they love it even though there is a lot more balancing going on. They don't ask me to to drive their kid around because they are aware that they made the choice to have multiple kids and know that they are responsible for their kids activities. I have no problem telling a friend that my kid is attending camp X or sport Y. I would have no problem taking their kid to practice if they live in the neighborhood and it is easy and their child was well behaved.

But I don't have to go out of my way to do so. And choosing not to carpool so that your third kid can get to practice at the same time as your other kids have practice is not my being an asshole, it is me saying that it doesn't work for our schedule and sanity.

For the record, I did not choose one child to make life easier. It so happens that I ended up with one child and decided not to look for help having a second child. The down side is that my son would love to have a play mate on a more regular basis, I arrange play dates pretty regularly (DS is 6 so a parent still needs to approve of playing). The plus side is that out scheduling is a great deal easier because we need to worry about one kids schedule. But my focus, like yours, is on my child. And I need to time at home to make sure that he is ready for school and practice and taking time that I deem needed for that to pick up your kid might be a no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'll come at this from another angle. Are you asking those other parents for favors too? If you're doing favors for them, it should be because you can, and because they are part of your "village" and you can call on them to return the favor when you need something. Whatever that something is.

If you're not cultivating your village, it's just unpaid work.

I agree that cultivating a village is worthwhile. But in my experience, a village makes itself known because people don't just call you for favors, they offer to do things for you.

My neighborhood is village-y like that. We get asked for favors, but we and others get offered favors when it's perceived we might need it or when it's easy for the other parent to do. "Is Larla going to Larlo's birthday party at out-of-the-way play place tomorrow? Jane is too, why don't I take them both, I have some shopping to do near there." That type of thing.