I can’t support you if you won’t support me

[Anonymous]

If she is calling you on the phone, don't answer. If she is visiting, make sure your DH is around. You need some distance at this difficult time. I am sorry about your parent. Your MIL is very insensitive.

[Anonymous]

"As you both know, but have not mentioned, my mom is seriously struggling. I don't have the capacity to listen to your difficulties, and I wish you had been more sensitive to mine."

[Anonymous]

I’m in the same similar boat. My uncle passed a few months ago from complacations with heart surgery. My grandfather is now having to have the same surgery. Everyone in my family is a nervous mess right now, since it’s so close to my uncles passing. My in laws know this. But damn if I don’t hear about about the dogs special medicine for her allergies. My FIL had a scare a few months ago with heart issues, and thank heavens everything is fine. When I told him about my grandfather he said well I went through the same thing he will be fine and brushed it off and laughed. I just said “well umm you do remember my uncle just died from surgery for this.”
All that to say, I did talk with my husband about it and he talked with mom and dad and just said “well she is under a lot of stress and sadness right now, dealing with the death of her uncle and now having her grandfather go through this.” It took a few phone calls for it to sink in, but they are getting better. Not much, but a little better.

Op, I’m sorry you’re going though this, for some reason this more common than it needs to be. I guess save this in your back pocket for when you’re an in law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same similar boat. My uncle passed a few months ago from complacations with heart surgery. My grandfather is now having to have the same surgery. Everyone in my family is a nervous mess right now, since it’s so close to my uncles passing. My in laws know this. But damn if I don’t hear about about the dogs special medicine for her allergies. My FIL had a scare a few months ago with heart issues, and thank heavens everything is fine. When I told him about my grandfather he said well I went through the same thing he will be fine and brushed it off and laughed. I just said “well umm you do remember my uncle just died from surgery for this.”
All that to say, I did talk with my husband about it and he talked with mom and dad and just said “well she is under a lot of stress and sadness right now, dealing with the death of her uncle and now having her grandfather go through this.” It took a few phone calls for it to sink in, but they are getting better. Not much, but a little better.

Op, I’m sorry you’re going though this, for some reason this more common than it needs to be. I guess save this in your back pocket for when you’re an in law.

New poster. I totally get where you and OP both are coming from here. It is very wounding to have people in one's life who don't ASK about a seriously ill relative.

But as your DH did, and as OP and/or OP's husband need to do, someone should speak up and express that some basic inquiry (or at least avoidance of "I was sick" or "Friend is sick" stories) would be thoughtful.

The OP has gotten some good scripts for what to say to this in-law already, though OP, I'd keep it very pithy. Go back to that very first line, about how you don't have the focus for that story about the sick friend right now because "as you know, my parent is gravely ill." No need to add on commentary because it only muddies things. You don't need a quip, retort or spiky comeback. It'll be lost on them anyway.

I would add something that never seems to come up in responses to "my in-law/parent doesn't respond to X as I wish they would." Maybe it's because I grew up with my grandmother in our home and I knew many of my great-aunts and uncles and much older cousins etc., and my mom and her siblings were all the same way, but: Older generations sometimes are very reluctant to bring up things like this because "I don't want to remind Sally about her mom, it might make her sad" or "I might say the wrong thing" or "It would be intruding to ask her about it" or "It's private for her and I'm sure her parent doesn't want me talking about parent's illness..." I am NOT saying it's an excuse, but an explanation, that some, not all,, people in older generations really do tend to think, it's private, it would be intrusive if I ask, and the adult kids will tell me if there is news. I'm not saying OP shouldn't speak up (or really, her DH needs to speak up - his parents are his to handle). But I'm saying that if you want a reaction or interest from older parents/in-laws, you may have to tell them flat out that you would like them to ask. I know -- that puts the burden on YOU when you feel, as I would too, that they should be able to handle this simple interaction. I'm just saying, this is how some people were raised and it's alien to those of us who are now the sandwich generation.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m sorry. To echo what someone said earlier, your in-laws aren’t capable of providing emotional support for you, so don’t seek it in them. Unfortunately, they won’t change for the better. It’s ok to conserve your emotional energy by speaking with them less or not at all during this difficult time. Punt to your spouse if necessary. If you end up stuck in conversation with them and they go on their self-centered script, bow out — “Oh, my Mom’s calling, gtg,” “The dog’s chewing through the wall. Again. Bye,” “So much to do. I’m just generally busy with life and stuff.” None of us would blame you for throwing in a pointed barb. However, these are not self-aware people. They’ll blame you for the pointed comment, and they won’t learn to change anything about their behavior patterns. For better or worse, the only person’s behavior that you can control is your own. Stop giving the in-laws your time and energy.

[Anonymous]

Thank you everyone. My husband is definitely aware, but I’ve asked him not to mention it or make a fuss because I don’t want forced, fake compassion. You are all right, I need to stop seeking it from them, for they aren’t capable of it for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. My husband is definitely aware, but I’ve asked him not to mention it or make a fuss because I don’t want forced, fake compassion. You are all right, I need to stop seeking it from them, for they aren’t capable of it for me.

So you expect them to read minds that it’s a big deal when in fact neither of you mention it even in passing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. My husband is definitely aware, but I’ve asked him not to mention it or make a fuss because I don’t want forced, fake compassion. You are all right, I need to stop seeking it from them, for they aren’t capable of it for me.

So you expect them to read minds that it’s a big deal when in fact neither of you mention it even in passing?

Huh? They need to be told to be compassionate and empathetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you everyone. My husband is definitely aware, but I’ve asked him not to mention it or make a fuss because I don’t want forced, fake compassion. You are all right, I need to stop seeking it from them, for they aren’t capable of it for me.

So you expect them to read minds that it’s a big deal when in fact neither of you mention it even in passing?

Huh? They need to be told to be compassionate and empathetic?

No but putting myself in that situation, if I got no information about it and never hear any of you speak of it, I would assume it’s NBD and wouldn’t ask.

[Anonymous]

Oh, your friend is having a knee replacement? Well, that beats the hell out of Stage 4 cancer! (Or whatever your parent has.)