Going from 2 to 3 kids when you are the default parent
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Anonymous
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You're way beyond the default parent, OP. I'm the default parent (of three) and my DH and I both have pretty flexible schedules and reasonable hours, though I handle planning and other executive functions. There's no way in fresh hell I'd have a third in your situation. It is SO much harder to solo parent three than two--and I feel pretty capable of it at this point, with kids who are 7, 5, and 2.5. And you're basically a solo parent, from what you describe.
You got lucky with two easy kids. What if the third isn't easy? What if s/he has special needs? |
Anonymous
This is my exact experience, but my oldest was 7 when the youngest was born and middle was 4.5. That age gap was great. I also have 3 boys and the older two play well together and are usually happy to include their little brother. |
Anonymous
I am pretty much exactly you but my third was born in September. We have an au pair who works in the evenings. I work very part time and the kids are in school all day. Life is pretty easy. |
Anonymous
I have 3 under 5, youngest just turned 1. I am default parent, with 2 kids I did all drop offs and pick ups during week, most mornings and almost all evenings without my DH (who works a lot during the week, and one full weekend day). I work FT, usually 2 days from home, occasional travel, and have a lot of flexibility in my hours. I am fine with taking all the kids out by myself - we did the pool and museums without DH this summer - and 3 just meant that there were a few places I avoided for a bit until I could manage 3 kids in those spaces. I think it does depend a lot of temperament (of the parent). I am like having a full and noisy household, when everyone is screaming and when I feel stressed I can take a deep breadth and remember I will miss this one day, and I am ok with all the labor that comes with kids (lunches, laundry, tidying, etc). I do have moments where I can't believe the contrast between my professional self and parent self, but I imagine all working parents do. My youngest does have special needs, which has meant that my DH now does drop off 2 days a week (unless he is traveling) because I am taking youngest DC to therapy. This was a big change for him, but he is as committed as I am about getting our youngest DC the support they need, and this is what DH needed to do to make it happen. I think that the only thing I would say is that we recently started getting someone to come help me out 1 evening per week (4 hrs) with kid stuff and bedtime. It is SO NICE to have an extra paid of hands, and having another child-helper there almost makes it feel like I have the night off. I can get in a work-out, or do a late conference-call for work, or go to the grocery store by myself, or whatever. So you may want to see if you can fit something like that in your budget as a nice break for yourself (honestly, the mental relief from knowing you have one night with help is almost as amazing as the actual help you get - I did the first year without this help, and now wonder why I held out for so long). |
Anonymous
| WTF????? One is life-changing...huge. Two kids ...you have to learn to juggle and that there will be times when one will just have to cry. Three...like adding a pet to the family. So easy. Seriously. |
Anonymous
Not my experience at all. I was about to write that my third child nearly broke me. It was so fricking hard wrangling my two chill kids and a colicky newborn. I still feel bad for how I shortchanged my older son. |
Anonymous
| I didn’t find adding a third to be very difficult but I have a spouse who is a true partner in caring for the kids. To the PP with a live-in nanny, you will be fine. Many of us are doing it with MUCH less help. |
Anonymous
| I would only do it with a ton of money for outsourcing and a part-time gig. |
Anonymous
They actually have these for high school students. I think it was part of the abstinence sex ed initiative. |
Anonymous
| Mine are recently 4, just turned 2 and under a month. I’m definitely the default parent. DH works 60-70 hours per week including lots of early mornings, nights/overnights and about 4 weekend days a month, so I do mornings/evenings alone pretty frequently. (I will say that when he’s not working, he’s a great/super involved dad who is unusually good with children.) I also WOH FT; 55ish hours/week and some international travel. So far so good — although I’m still on maternity leave, so this isn’t the “real” routine. There’s definitely more divide and conquer when we’re both around than there used to be, but everything seems pretty manageable so far. I am worried about getting all of the kids out of the house alone, especially once the little one is big enough that carrying him and pushing the other two in a double become difficult. I’m hopeful that my eldest’s walking tolerance improves as she approaches 4.5 over the next few months... Luckily we have quite a few playgrounds in easy walking distance, but anything else would currently be tough. |
Anonymous
Op here ... this would pretty much be my situation except kids would be 4.5 and 3 and new baby is born. DH is very involved when he is around he just works a lot. Thankfully we have a pretty decent hhi so I think I would probably try and get a mother’s helper or something a few days a week to help at night. I am not super worried about drop off and pick ups since my work is pretty flexible which is very helpful. Good luck to you when you go back to work! |
Anonymous
| Why do you want to have another kid who doesn’t see their dad a lot? |
Anonymous
Evening part time help is not easy to find or maintain. I speak from experience. These types of slots are unappealing time wise for the worker and you will pay up the nose per hour (think well north of $20/hour). They are the first to quit once they find daytime hours or full time nanny positions. If you have a high income, you may get around this by offering full time hours to someone to come say, 12-8 or something like that, and fill her time doing grocery prep, family laundry, straightening up. You're basically paying a full nanny rate but utilizing her even while you kids are in full day school. Assuming you want to juggle after school activities for the kids down the line, you'd want that evening help even once you are out of the baby phase or you'll be dragging two extra kids to every practice that you can't find a carpool for. Or you could go the au pair route but their hours are restricted and you need the space in your home. |
Anonymous
| Don't do it OP. Quit while you are ahead. A third puts a lot of stress on you, on your relationship, and on the other kids. |
Anonymous
| Stick with two. When they are older and doing activities after school two is manageable, but three will put you over the edge. |