quality of life after divorce- best interest of children question

[Anonymous]

Stop blaming the move on the kids. If you want to move you need to negotiate with Dad and basically either leave the kids with him and take summers/holidays or offer him summers/holidays and see what he says. There are plenty of places to go for exercise. Gyms, pools, activity places, swimming, and the playground. Your kids are little so now a yard is nice but as they get older they will not care. Just realize you take your kids away from Dad, they will never have the same relationship not seeing them daily and it will greatly impact them. If you want to leave, the option is you leave, have him be primary with the kids and you get summers, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he never wanted to move before it seems impossible he'd agree now, after divorce. I can't imagine you would be able to do it over his objections. Also, you'd be taking them away from their dad. A yard is great, but good relationship with their dad is probably more important. Sorry, OP, I know that's difficult to hear.

I didn't mean to take him away from them. I meant it that we all move. Maybe that a mediator would encourage the process, look at our finances and suggest that its in the best interest of the kids to go to a lower COL area. I mean this as it not just being about having a yard, but having money left over at the end of the month to do nice things for the kids, to have family support etc.

Clearly I have no idea how this works- haven't called an attorney or mediator yet as I indicated.

You can of course ask for and attempt to negotiate anything you want, but I’m near certain a mediator (who is supposed to be a neutral party) is not going to encourage a process that benefits only you. I’d just watch out here as it could backfire on you - he could argue for primary custody if you’re the one insistent on moving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to imagine he'll want to move close to YOUR parents after a divorce. If you move, it will be easier for him to say he should get full custody here, if he wants it, as the kids have ties to this area.

Yes, I understand its tough to imagine he'd want to move closer to my family. From a standpoint of ease, we'd have a lot more support living closer to parents, however. Life has been chaotic as working parents and right now its tough to imagine it getting any easier in separate households. The kids are still small so there aren't longstanding friendships that we'd be asking them to give up.

He's going to think of that as supporting YOU, not him. Doesn't do him any good so why should he play ball?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he never wanted to move before it seems impossible he'd agree now, after divorce. I can't imagine you would be able to do it over his objections. Also, you'd be taking them away from their dad. A yard is great, but good relationship with their dad is probably more important. Sorry, OP, I know that's difficult to hear.

I didn't mean to take him away from them. I meant it that we all move. Maybe that a mediator would encourage the process, look at our finances and suggest that its in the best interest of the kids to go to a lower COL area. I mean this as it not just being about having a yard, but having money left over at the end of the month to do nice things for the kids, to have family support etc.

Clearly I have no idea how this works- haven't called an attorney or mediator yet as I indicated.

He's not agreeing to moving and no judge can force him to move. You can go with out the kids or you'll have a long expensive court battle fighting if he doesn't agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hard to imagine he'll want to move close to YOUR parents after a divorce. If you move, it will be easier for him to say he should get full custody here, if he wants it, as the kids have ties to this area.

Yes, I understand its tough to imagine he'd want to move closer to my family. From a standpoint of ease, we'd have a lot more support living closer to parents, however. Life has been chaotic as working parents and right now its tough to imagine it getting any easier in separate households. The kids are still small so there aren't longstanding friendships that we'd be asking them to give up.

He's going to think of that as supporting YOU, not him. Doesn't do him any good so why should he play ball?

Why would it be supportive of me only? He should play ball because I've been here supporting him while he finishes another degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up to be healthy happy productive in apartments, and while sharing a room. I think you need to let go of the white picket fence dream and instead focus on where you are at.

This sounds like an ongoing theme that you are never content with what you have.

Thanks for the judgement on my life based on several lines of text. I've got a high energy kid who needs to get out and move. Walking two children to the playground every day is lovely but challenging as working parents. My kids also have very different sleeping needs and them being in the same room is tough on everyone. Judge away from the safety of being behind your computer. I know what would make life much easier and its not slogging through our current routine. Most families we have known in our layout of house in our neighborhood have long since moved away because of not having a yard, not having family close, and two kids sharing a room being exceptionally challenging in some circumstances.

I agree with the PP. I grew up in a small apartment in a different country and even shared a mattress with my grandmother. Didn't end up worse for it. Teach your child some resilience- not everything in life is going to go their way.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people here suggesting I'm trying to take the kids away. I was clear in my initial post that I had a thought to move to my hometown where job prospects are good for BOTH of us and we could have a better quality of life. I did not suggest at any point that I would move on my own- how would moving there alone afford anyone a better quality of life? Not for me, not for my kids, not for my soon to be ex. I would be equally open to the option to move to any other city with lower cost of living. Just seems to make more sense to do so in a place where we'd have built in support, the kids could see a ton of cousins more than just once per year etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up to be healthy happy productive in apartments, and while sharing a room. I think you need to let go of the white picket fence dream and instead focus on where you are at.

This sounds like an ongoing theme that you are never content with what you have.

Thanks for the judgement on my life based on several lines of text. I've got a high energy kid who needs to get out and move. Walking two children to the playground every day is lovely but challenging as working parents. My kids also have very different sleeping needs and them being in the same room is tough on everyone. Judge away from the safety of being behind your computer. I know what would make life much easier and its not slogging through our current routine. Most families we have known in our layout of house in our neighborhood have long since moved away because of not having a yard, not having family close, and two kids sharing a room being exceptionally challenging in some circumstances.

I agree with the PP. I grew up in a small apartment in a different country and even shared a mattress with my grandmother. Didn't end up worse for it. Teach your child some resilience- not everything in life is going to go their way.

Wow, did you also hike barefoot to school?

Why not make a change if there is an option for an improvement? My kids currently share a bed because of their room not being big enough for two. Is it going to scar them? No. Does it matter while they are this age? Not really, except that it makes nights tough. Would I like to offer better for them in the future? Of course. Why is everyone on here like oh just go with the flow? While I get that making a big move wouldn't be easy in the short term, the long term benefits would be great for the kids in terms of our improved financial opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Once your kids are teens - they will never use your yard. You should get a great apt with a gym and pool! Stay in same school so they can’t adjust

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once your kids are teens - they will never use your yard. You should get a great apt with a gym and pool! Stay in same school so they can’t adjust

Not in the budget, but thanks.

[Anonymous]

I d heard of two women moving after divorce against wishes of the ex. Both succeeded after full trials. One actually was a move AWAY from all the family support. She got remarried to a guy. And she still won. So it can be done. Start setting up the best interest factors now. Always make sure you have the max custody you can. And start making connections back in your parents home town. Visit all the time. Maybe go there for a long time over summer and enroll them in a camp there. You get the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of people here suggesting I'm trying to take the kids away. I was clear in my initial post that I had a thought to move to my hometown where job prospects are good for BOTH of us and we could have a better quality of life. I did not suggest at any point that I would move on my own- how would moving there alone afford anyone a better quality of life? Not for me, not for my kids, not for my soon to be ex. I would be equally open to the option to move to any other city with lower cost of living. Just seems to make more sense to do so in a place where we'd have built in support, the kids could see a ton of cousins more than just once per year etc.

What is your hometown?

How far is it from his parents?

[Anonymous]

If you do end up in this area, maybe you can do what my friend did. She bought a townhouse in the VA suburb and rents out her basement. It’s near Metro, so she can get $800-$1000 per month. Ends up being cheaper than renting an apartment.

[Anonymous]

To get your DH to agree you will likely need quite a lot of leverage. LIke a huge CS ruling from the courts. You can offer to take less if you move to a lower COL area.
Short of leverage, I do no see him agreeing to this at all. If he didn't while married, he will not when divorced.

You really should make the most of what you have here and like others have said, get as much custody as possible. Just because you have no cards right now, play the long game. The long game always wins.
KEep notes of every time he is late picking them up, cancels, doesn't pay for what he should etc. etc etc. Down the road that will help your case to move.

[Anonymous]

Disagree. Don’t ever offer a threat that shows you would leave your children.