Grandparent education

[Anonymous]

My MIL gives sage, wise advice such as-'MAKE her talk, don't feed her until she asks for the item' and 'tie her to the potty with a soft belt until she uses it' !!! We DO NOT follow any of her advice, and she lives far away thankfully...

She did send DD underwear for her birthday-DD is language impaired, SPD and gross motor delays, hence not being potty trained. I didn't let dd see them, she knows she's delayed in this area and doesn't need more stress (and she has had underwear for 2 years...)

I just don't talk to the lady anymore, it isn't worth my time. She's DH's problem.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents went through the early years thinking that if we just found (looked hard enough) for the right medical professionals, DD would be completely cured. That eventually turned into a kind of giving up and disregarding of any abilities or personality and a lot of subtle put downs. If I say "DD is looking forward to x" their response might be "She's really not capable of looking forward to something, is she?" Or if I send them a beautiful photo, "She could have been such a knockout, what a shame." They don't know her, it's like she's an amorphous blob just because she's disabled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

pp here- okay. Fortunately, we're able to have treatment and accommodation options for this non-special need. You do you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

Wow. I have a child with cerebral palsy and my niece has a child (same age) with ADHD. Sometimes I am in awe of her making it through the day with her house, clothing, and sanity intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my parents, their resistance was a combination of 4 things:
1- denial that there was anything “wrong” with their perfect grandchild
2- ignorance - kids like him were just quirky/ high strung when we were young
3- guilt that they may have missed similar struggles in their kids or themselves
4- shame that they really weren’t great parents- they were pretty lucky with how their kids turned out despite their parenting/ relationship skills

For my mom we had some really open conversations about how when you know better you can do better from a parenting perspective. That there is nothing shameful about the special needs. And she was present for some of our ABA sessions and witnessed both that work and some OT/ ST sessions. So that really helped with the ignorance. She the. Started asking questions about how she could do better. And she changed her interaction style with my kids which improved her relationship with them.

My dad is really opinionated and volatile and he came the realization that a spanking might not fix everything when he saw how differently the kids acted when they were with my mom. So he tried making changes to his behavior too. This got easier when we moved closer so there was more time together available.

And my brother has always had my back. Whenever my parents would complain to him about my parenting he would shut it down and comment that I am managing a lot of hard stuff and need support.

Honestly before they changed, we had started limiting contact to short visits.

Sometimes this is very much needed. You set more boundaries so less of your energy is spent justifying something you already explained. Plus, you have to take care of you and your family first and foremost. It is THEIR problem not yours if they refuse to accept a child has special needs that require this level of help.

[Anonymous]

My in laws are staying with us for Thanksgiving, and I'm really not looking forward to it. All of DS's problems are because we're bad parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

Wow. I have a child with cerebral palsy and my niece has a child (same age) with ADHD. Sometimes I am in awe of her making it through the day with her house, clothing, and sanity intact.

DP. I'm not sure how that makes ADHD a special need.

However, this is the ADHD-and-sometimes-ASD forum. So of course PP is going to get lots of pushback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grandparents went through the early years thinking that if we just found (looked hard enough) for the right medical professionals, DD would be completely cured. That eventually turned into a kind of giving up and disregarding of any abilities or personality and a lot of subtle put downs. If I say "DD is looking forward to x" their response might be "She's really not capable of looking forward to something, is she?" Or if I send them a beautiful photo, "She could have been such a knockout, what a shame." They don't know her, it's like she's an amorphous blob just because she's disabled.

That's horrifying. I'm sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

Wow. I have a child with cerebral palsy and my niece has a child (same age) with ADHD. Sometimes I am in awe of her making it through the day with her house, clothing, and sanity intact.

DP. I'm not sure how that makes ADHD a special need.

However, this is the ADHD-and-sometimes-ASD forum. So of course PP is going to get lots of pushback.

It's a special need because your kid needs things that other kids don't need. It's really not a difficult concept.

If you think it's a not so special need, maybe you should suggest that Jeff create an "ADHD and sometimes ASD forum" so the really special parents can have this place all to themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

If it’s very severe, ADHD can initially present as almost high-functioning ASD. One of my charges is impulsive, zero attention span on most topics, destructive at times, violent at times, near zero social skills. Without medication, multiple fidgets, muscle memory drills that are close to becoming unconscious, he can’t function in a classroom, and even with them, it’s painfully obvious to the teachers and other kids that as much as he struggles, his behavior will never be “normal.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For my parents, their resistance was a combination of 4 things:
1- denial that there was anything “wrong” with their perfect grandchild
2- ignorance - kids like him were just quirky/ high strung when we were young
3- guilt that they may have missed similar struggles in their kids or themselves
4- shame that they really weren’t great parents- they were pretty lucky with how their kids turned out despite their parenting/ relationship skills

For my mom we had some really open conversations about how when you know better you can do better from a parenting perspective. That there is nothing shameful about the special needs. And she was present for some of our ABA sessions and witnessed both that work and some OT/ ST sessions. So that really helped with the ignorance. She the. Started asking questions about how she could do better. And she changed her interaction style with my kids which improved her relationship with them.

My dad is really opinionated and volatile and he came the realization that a spanking might not fix everything when he saw how differently the kids acted when they were with my mom. So he tried making changes to his behavior too. This got easier when we moved closer so there was more time together available.

And my brother has always had my back. Whenever my parents would complain to him about my parenting he would shut it down and comment that I am managing a lot of hard stuff and need support.

Honestly before they changed, we had started limiting contact to short visits.

Can you elaborate about how your father decided to change? Did he improve steadily or with stops and starts? I am also getting into a better place with my mom, but my dad is extremely insensitive and I could use some tips!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in laws are staying with us for Thanksgiving, and I'm really not looking forward to it. All of DS's problems are because we're bad parents.

My MIL used to say this. Plus every comment out of her mouth was “get over here so I can slap him upside the back of the head”. Needless to say, he is a teenager now and she has never been alone with him—-Not even for 30 seconds. Plus when we would visit we would take the kids out pretty much all day.

Now, she just says “he’s just different”. It still pisses me off but DS is old enough to understand that his grandmother does not understand and has no desire to understand what’s going on with him.

[Anonymous]

We got the grandparents to come around, but it had to be kept some dark secret with anyone outside the immediate family in their circle. It became incredibly isolating. We didn't go to extended family events so they could continue to brag about DC without anyone knowing about the special needs. DC looks typical so they could show off photos of DC with our other child too. So now our extended family thinks we have cut off from them, when in reality we are just trying to let my aging parents pretend they only produce a long line of perfect people with superior intellect. Pretty sure they brag about both our kids being superior athletes too. DC with special needs does adapted sports and our other DC does rec sports. Nothing wrong with any of that, but these are not superior athletes. Families are nutty. I don't know that things would have been better if we hadn's kept the secret. I'm not sure that side of the family would have been that accepting of these special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

It depends on the severity. Some people with severe ADHD definitely have special needs. Also, it’s true that some people with very mild
autism may not present as special needs. It all depends on the individual.

In the right environment, my DS with ADHD, ASD, and anxiety appears to be at most a little quirky. Yet we're having an IEP this afternoon to discuss a new placement, probably in a therapeutic setting. The thing about special needs is they're only special needs in the areas that highlight the disability. No one had dyslexia when the vast majority of people were illiterate.

To the OP's question... I maintain a pleasant but distant relationship with my father. He's told me before that a good spanking would fix DS's behavior so he's not allowed unsupervised time with DS. I'm 90% sure my father has ADHD but he doesn't recognize he's the common factor between our distant relationship and my brother barely talking to him. I'm not the point of being able to unpack all that enough to try to education him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would never refer to a kid with ADHD as having "special needs."

It depends on the severity. Some people with severe ADHD definitely have special needs. Also, it’s true that some people with very mild
autism may not present as special needs. It all depends on the individual.

In the right environment, my DS with ADHD, ASD, and anxiety appears to be at most a little quirky. Yet we're having an IEP this afternoon to discuss a new placement, probably in a therapeutic setting. The thing about special needs is they're only special needs in the areas that highlight the disability. No one had dyslexia when the vast majority of people were illiterate.

To the OP's question... I maintain a pleasant but distant relationship with my father. He's told me before that a good spanking would fix DS's behavior so he's not allowed unsupervised time with DS. I'm 90% sure my father has ADHD but he doesn't recognize he's the common factor between our distant relationship and my brother barely talking to him. I'm not the point of being able to unpack all that enough to try to education him.

*sigh* educate.