What is a "single mom" these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in my case, my daughter's father is a single dad. But his reality is different from mine; I have my daughter 5 nights a week, he has her two, and that's unlikely to change much going forward. We're not destitute or struggling; most of the single mothers I know are doing ok financially, because that's the demographic I'm in. (white, middle-class, college grads, employed full-time in white-collar professions.)

It's funny, but in my mind, I don't automatically think of your daughter's father as a single dad. I mean, clearly he is. But, when I think "single parent", what first comes to mind is the person who is the primary care-giver, custodial parent. The one who does the majority of caretaking, dealing with school, doctor's appts, carpools, discipline, etc...

I'm a stepmom and my stepchild lives full-time with us (visits his mom during summers/holidays). I always thought of my now-husband as a single dad when we were dating. I guess when he is with his mom she is a single mom, but I never thought of her that way since her time with her son is more "vacation" than that full-time care and raising of a child.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who refers to herself as a single mom b/c her dh travels all the time. As someone who grew up with a real single mom scrapping to be able to feed us, it makes me furious. She is a SAHM and relies entirely on his income. Sorry, that was a tangent from the real discussion, but I felt the need to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you're right - i forgot widowed moms, probably because I don't know any with young kids.

Trust me, we're out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who refers to herself as a single mom b/c her dh travels all the time. As someone who grew up with a real single mom scrapping to be able to feed us, it makes me furious. She is a SAHM and relies entirely on his income. Sorry, that was a tangent from the real discussion, but I felt the need to vent.

I feel you.

[Anonymous]

I'm the single mom who posted earlier, who has my daughter 5 nights a week. I'm definitely a single mom, but I'm less of a single mom than the women who have deadbeat ex-spouses or the women who went to sperm banks. My daughter's dad annoys me sometimes, but he pays for half of daycare and all of the diapers, he does daycare dropoff/pickup 1x/week and will take her to the doctor if asked. We're better off having him in our lives, even if the situation isn't what I would have chosen. And I do consider him a single dad, though probably "weekend dad" is more accurate because he gets to have more fun with her and I'm doing more of the drudgework. I don't know many, if any, fathers who have equal or primary custody of their kids. Most have the same arrangement we do.

My stepsister is married and a SAHM of a military spouse. Her husband has been deployed for about half their marriage, so she's a "single mom" for 6 months at a time. But she lives in the house he provides, on his income, and doesn't have to work, so she's not *really* a single mom. I can't quite relate to her situation. I wouldn't necessarily want to be doing things solo for six months at a time, and I wouldn't want to SAH, but I'm not sure I wouldn't trade with her, given the chance.

[Anonymous]

I definitely consider military moms to be single moms for the duration of the husband's deployment. They are doing everything alone for months or years at a time. Just because they have a husband's income doesn't mean they are not single moms, unless you are considering financially supporting the child to be the only defining criterion of a single mom--in which case, does that make a divorced mother living on alimony and child support not a single mother, or a widow living off the proceeds of life insurance not a single mother? (As an example, I have a cousin whose father died when he and my other cousin were children; their mother never worked; she lived off the life insurance proceeds--was she not a single mother?) To me, the defining criterion is whether the woman is shouldering all or the vast majority of the care of the children, not the source of income.

[Anonymous]

I disagree. Being fully financial responsible for your kids puts you in a different category.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I disagree. Being fully financial responsible for your kids puts you in a different category.

Have to agree. It's incredibly hard -- like having two full time jobs at the same time.

[Anonymous]

So a widow living off life insurance and survivor benefits isn't a single mother??? Totally disagree--tell that to the 9-11 widows, for heaven's sake.

[Anonymous]

IMO, someone who is solely responsible for the care of children has more of a burden than someone who has an ex to share duties (assuming the ex is basically helpful and not a deadbeat, of course). By that definition, a military wife (during deployments) or a widow or a single mother by choice is "more" of a single mother than a divorcee--but see how silly that is, to draw distinctions like that? All single mothers have an incredibly hard job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMO, someone who is solely responsible for the care of children has more of a burden than someone who has an ex to share duties (assuming the ex is basically helpful and not a deadbeat, of course). By that definition, a military wife (during deployments) or a widow or a single mother by choice is "more" of a single mother than a divorcee--but see how silly that is, to draw distinctions like that? All single mothers have an incredibly hard job.

No point in being ridiculous about it. It's twice as hard to take care of your children alone and put a roof over their heads as it is to take care of your children alone and not have to worry about that financial aspect. It just is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, someone who is solely responsible for the care of children has more of a burden than someone who has an ex to share duties (assuming the ex is basically helpful and not a deadbeat, of course). By that definition, a military wife (during deployments) or a widow or a single mother by choice is "more" of a single mother than a divorcee--but see how silly that is, to draw distinctions like that? All single mothers have an incredibly hard job.

No point in being ridiculous about it. It's twice as hard to take care of your children alone and put a roof over their heads as it is to take care of your children alone and not have to worry about that financial aspect. It just is.

Totally agree, but that wasn't the question--the question was whether someone with sole responsibility for children with no husband but not the responsibility of earning money (e.g. widows living on life insurance) was truly a single mother, and some PPs, incredibly, said no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IMO, someone who is solely responsible for the care of children has more of a burden than someone who has an ex to share duties (assuming the ex is basically helpful and not a deadbeat, of course). By that definition, a military wife (during deployments) or a widow or a single mother by choice is "more" of a single mother than a divorcee--but see how silly that is, to draw distinctions like that? All single mothers have an incredibly hard job.

No point in being ridiculous about it. It's twice as hard to take care of your children alone and put a roof over their heads as it is to take care of your children alone and not have to worry about that financial aspect. It just is.

Totally agree, but that wasn't the question--the question was whether someone with sole responsibility for children with no husband but not the responsibility of earning money (e.g. widows living on life insurance) was truly a single mother, and some PPs, incredibly, said no.

No, a lot of PPs said no to someone whose husband was ALIVE but deployed (and she was being supported by her husband) and someone who had their child part of the time and also got financial assistance from the other parent. Then a new PP threw in widows with life insurance. OK, whatever.

[Anonymous]

A lot of this is just semantics. I understand that was the point of the post, to define "single mom" but I feel like the argument is more, "who has it tougher" and "who DESERVES the label single mom?".

Parenting is difficult and being alone with your kids the majority of the time makes it harder; being mostly financially responsible for them makes it a Herculean undertaking, and being 100% responsible for everything from diapers to medical insurance makes it.... like a life and death struggle every day. Everything feels so consequential. What if you get sick? What if you lose your job? What if your car breaks down and you can't get to daycare on time? Etc. etc. etc.

I can understand why it angers PP to hear a military wife describe herself with the same label that applied to PP's single mom. It seems to diminish PP's mom's incredible accomplishments. When the military wife in the described scenario fortunately has NO idea what it is like to be a 100% single parent. Military wife is simply expressing HER frustration and difficulties using a label that she feels most closely applies to her.

This argument reminds me of a situation I have with my Dad. He had an incredibly tough childhood. Alcoholism, physical confrontations, poverty, you name it. It’s amazing he grew up to be a responsible father. Unfortunately he had an affair, denied it for years, tormented my mother and thus all of us with the horrible, tense family situation, before the marriage ended so he could marry his mistress and start a new family. As you can imagine, those of us from the first family have a lot of baggage, a lot of pain from all this. Dad minimizes our pain because, compared to HIS childhood, what do we have to complain about????

My point: Have compassion for the military wives, the widows living off life insurance, the part time parents, and of course, the single working mom who struggles to do it all. And/or the miserably married for that matter! One’s challenges may be different from another’s but they all deserve our respect and sympathy. Hope for them that they never learn what it’s like to walk a mile in other, more difficult shoes.

[Anonymous]

Making a distinction is not the same as saying others don't deserve respect and sympathy. (I've already posted a couple of times, including the post about reading on DCUM how hard parenting is for everyone, even married parents.)