The hardest thing you've forgiven?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Second DUI arrest. If he was some retiree, or we had older kids, or he worked in a different field, it wouldn't be such a big deal. But we have a baby on the way and two kids he can barely help with because he has so many DUI related after -hours obligations (AA, other self-help meetings, community service, etc). We are also now living in constant anxiety of him getting fired if and when his current place of employment finds out.

Or killing someone by driving drunk, which seems to not concern you...

Feel better about yourself after this conjecture? I couldn’t believe the amount of rage I had at him for this universal concern, and I shared one paragraph regarding maybe non-universal issues related to our marriage afterwards. But go ahead and accuse me of being unconcerned about human life, Jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long term affair and a love child it produced.

Still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long term affair and a love child it produced.

Still married?

Yep and had another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long term affair and a love child it produced.

Still married?

Yep and had another child.

I'm sure that was tough, I'm guessing the other woman kept the love child? How are things?

[Anonymous]

Forgave him for his infidelity and massive lies to me.

Forgiveness however does not mean that one has to continue to extend trust, to remain in relationship, to forget, or to respect.

I was surprised at the extent to which “forgiveness” was a proxy (by him and by therapists) to force me to do one of these other verbs - trust, stay, forget, respect.

I forgave DH for the infidelity and lies because I came to see how his then undiagnosed mental illness and upbringing as a child of an alcoholic led him to behave the way he did.

But, since he never stopped lying or fooling around, he was never able to earn my trust again. Since his behavior involved addictive use of porn and prostitutes, which really betrayed his fundamental lack of concern for women and his willingness to abuse and use others to meet his needs, I was never able to respect him again as a partner or a father. As result of all that, I was not able to stay with him.

Of course, the whole experience was so traumatic, I will never forget it. Ten years later I still have occassional flashbacks and triggers.

Forgiveness is a great thing when it happens organically, but be careful that the demand for forgiveness isn’t being wielded as a weapon to force the victim to continue to endure abusive and inappropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bahaha. Spouse sending my nude pic to his coworker.......

I see what you did there!

[Anonymous]

Forgave him saying that he wished we'd never had our child. That destroyed me and made me question everything I thought I knew about our lives together.

Later I realized that it was just one hell of a bad mood that made him feel that way. He's a wonderful father. He just should have NOT SAID THAT.