She comes from a big family—me? Not so much...

[Anonymous]

On the one hand, you married someone with a large family.. and visiting that family comes with the territory. That being said, you make valid points about setting precedent and time commitment for attending every single event. I think it is fair to discuss this together and come up with a reasonable plan. This could include her attending some events without you. It could also include you attending more things than you might really want to. Basically, just some compromise and sacrifices on both ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd have her go on her own. I doubt the graduate would care if uncle-by-marriage is there or not.

+100

[Anonymous]

OP, don't do things that make you resentful. Wife should go alone. She should to alone and she should get herself there. It's not your responsible to see that she gets there. What amount of visits do YOU think is reasonable? A couple times a year ... holidays only. You decide. Know what you want, give your wife enough time ahead of the event to know whether you're coming - - then, be firm - - People will get use to you not always being there. You just have to break the pattern and weather some discomfort while everyone adjusts.

[Anonymous]

Same here except DH has all the family. We had a graduation pop up- one his his 20+ nieces and nephews and it involved an overnight away. Whole family was going and staying in an Airbnb. I just didn’t go.

So you have to have the opt out option. We sometimes send our kid with an aunt for birthday parties. You don’t have to go to everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, you married someone with a large family.. and visiting that family comes with the territory. That being said, you make valid points about setting precedent and time commitment for attending every single event. I think it is fair to discuss this together and come up with a reasonable plan. This could include her attending some events without you. It could also include you attending more things than you might really want to. Basically, just some compromise and sacrifices on both ends.

NP here. I disagree. No sane spouse would want to impose such BS on their partner. It's different if the graduating kid was a stepchild or grandchild, but a nephew out of 14 kid relatives? NO.

[Anonymous]

I get that she wants you to go with her, no one wants to drive for 6 hours alone. Set a distance compromise. I will do two hours away as a day trip, but three hours away is too much. My folks live 3 hours from us, but my DHs family is 1.5. Consequently, we see my in laws more often, but stay for longer visits at my folks. There are many ways to approach this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the one hand, you married someone with a large family.. and visiting that family comes with the territory. That being said, you make valid points about setting precedent and time commitment for attending every single event. I think it is fair to discuss this together and come up with a reasonable plan. This could include her attending some events without you. It could also include you attending more things than you might really want to. Basically, just some compromise and sacrifices on both ends.

The way it work is if it’s your family everything is great! If it’s someone else big family it’s a pain in the ass. Specially when you do not go to your parents house for holiday, but do go to the SIL house.

[Anonymous]

I come from a big family and generally only weddings of nieces and nephews are important. Graduations and birthdays are non events.

[Anonymous]

You need an opt out option. I think of how many events, college graduation, birthdays, baby showers, weddings etc you can have with 24 nieces and nephews and that’s a lot ...plus holidays, plus the events for siblings and her parents. I think the bottom line is she has to discuss/ask, not assume you will go. I think holidays, weddings, and big milestone celebrations with her parents like 75th birthday you make every effort ro fo to. Other than that it’s a case by case basis and she can go to some alone.

[Anonymous]

Your wife sounds way too entitled. You need to divorce.

[Anonymous]

The fact that you are concerned about being a bad hubby or a jerk is proof that you are neither! Us married guys have to make compromises in order for marriage to work. You’ve been married 10+ years, so you know what I mean. Regarding your post, attending niece/nephew events is something you could discuss with your wife and ask for a “pass” now and then. Also, it is fairly common to alternate holidays with The Parents. For example, you could celebrate Thanksgiving with her parents and do Christmas with your parents and switch the order the following year. I’m proud of you for raising the issue; I’m sure your wife will welcome the opportunity to talk it over with you.

[Anonymous]

Agreed she can drive or go with one of her siblings/inlaws. Is she a favorite auntie, in which case the kid might cate if she's there?

[Anonymous]

Let your children always go with your wife, assuming that they want to. Children absolutely love the idea and feeling of being part of a big, fun, extended family with lots of cousins and friends. You, however, are free to pick and choose your functions.