Husband insecure and needs constant attention. How to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like he may have anxiety. His thoughts are repeating and gettin stuck.

He needs to see someone to have his mental health assessed. As hard as it is for you to hear him express his thoughts. think how it is for him living with these thoughts in his head 24/7.

His insecurities are not that uncommon but less typical for men. Often that degree of perseverating and need for reassurance is a sign of pretty intense anxiety.

+1 This is anxiety, OP, with possible OCD - and he’s relying on you to soothe him again and again. He needs treatment.

+1. Agree this is clearly anxiety, w/perhaps OCD edge or could be anxiety w/ depression. He needs to see a psychiatrist first to get screened medically to make sure there is no underlying cause of anxiety. The psychiatrist should take an extensive history with your DH and also w/you. It is a "best practice" to involve family members in reporting mood because patients often do not self-report accurately. If there's no underlying physical cause, the psychiatrist should discuss prescription medication options which you DH should use in conjunction with weekly or bimonthly visits to a licensed psychologist who provides Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

You should present this as - honey, I love you so much that I am telling you something that may be hard for you to hear: I think you have anxiety and should see the psychiatrist and made an appointment for X date and time for us to go together. Stick to that - I love you, this is part of taking care of you. Turn it around if you need to - you don't love me enough to take care of yourself by seeing a doctor and following doctor's orders.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to insist that he get help. He will absolutely resist because the notion of getting help will make his anxiety even worse but you will need to insist. You can try the nice "honey I love you so much" thing but frankly that won't do it. You are going to have to threaten him and threaten him hard. I've been there, there is zero way he will do it if you don't get very harsh because he will fight you as if he's drowning.

Take control and do it today.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. He's always been the needy type but it's started to get out of hand over the last 6 months or so. He really is a great guy and good father so I feel bad complaining. Our sex life has suffered because I have a hard time getting in the mood when he's like this. I didn't think it was anxiety/depression but that does makes sense. I do think I would eventually leave if things kept going on this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has been an ongoing problem with my DH. Every night after we put the kids to bed, he finds a way to start a meaningless argument with me for attention. Then he starts with “You don’t love me?” “Am I fat?” “No one loves me” “All you care about us yourself!” “Cant you cuddle with me!” He must ask me 5x a day if I love him or if I think he is fat. The last couple months he’s had a bad cough and post nasal drip but refuses to do netti pot, make a ctor appt or take the Flonase I bought him. He tells me every night that I don’t know what it’s like to be him and that I don’t care that he’s sick. Then he says things like he thinks he has cancer or thinks he’s having a heart attack. If I don’t act immediately concerned or worried he says I don’t love him and wish he was dead!!! He’s spent the last 3 hours talking about himself while I was trying to wind down and read a book. (He also hates when I read because he says it’s rude to him). What the heck can I do about this!? I do love him but the constant neediness and insecurity is honestly very annoying.

Either you really arent making him feel wanted or he is just a mess. Maybe both, i cant comprehend that type of person whining. How old is he? It amazings me how many guys I see, especially in the 20-35 range are complete p*55@ies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been an ongoing problem with my DH. Every night after we put the kids to bed, he finds a way to start a meaningless argument with me for attention. Then he starts with “You don’t love me?” “Am I fat?” “No one loves me” “All you care about us yourself!” “Cant you cuddle with me!” He must ask me 5x a day if I love him or if I think he is fat. The last couple months he’s had a bad cough and post nasal drip but refuses to do netti pot, make a ctor appt or take the Flonase I bought him. He tells me every night that I don’t know what it’s like to be him and that I don’t care that he’s sick. Then he says things like he thinks he has cancer or thinks he’s having a heart attack. If I don’t act immediately concerned or worried he says I don’t love him and wish he was dead!!! He’s spent the last 3 hours talking about himself while I was trying to wind down and read a book. (He also hates when I read because he says it’s rude to him). What the heck can I do about this!? I do love him but the constant neediness and insecurity is honestly very annoying.

Either you really arent making him feel wanted or he is just a mess. Maybe both, i cant comprehend that type of person whining. How old is he? It amazings me how many guys I see, especially in the 20-35 range are complete p*55@ies.

Could be both! He’s 42.

[Anonymous]

OP, his behavior reminds me of my father's, and that story has a rather sad ending. DH needs counseling.

[Anonymous]

I was expecting a story of a whiny childish husband from the title but your DH clearly has some mental health issues, OP. He needs to get professional help, you can't make him better through more attention, reassurance, etc. You can't love him out of this and he needs to understand he shouldn't expect you to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has been an ongoing problem with my DH. Every night after we put the kids to bed, he finds a way to start a meaningless argument with me for attention. Then he starts with “You don’t love me?” “Am I fat?” “No one loves me” “All you care about us yourself!” “Cant you cuddle with me!” He must ask me 5x a day if I love him or if I think he is fat. The last couple months he’s had a bad cough and post nasal drip but refuses to do netti pot, make a ctor appt or take the Flonase I bought him. He tells me every night that I don’t know what it’s like to be him and that I don’t care that he’s sick. Then he says things like he thinks he has cancer or thinks he’s having a heart attack. If I don’t act immediately concerned or worried he says I don’t love him and wish he was dead!!! He’s spent the last 3 hours talking about himself while I was trying to wind down and read a book. (He also hates when I read because he says it’s rude to him). What the heck can I do about this!? I do love him but the constant neediness and insecurity is honestly very annoying.

Either you really arent making him feel wanted or he is just a mess. Maybe both, i cant comprehend that type of person whining. How old is he? It amazings me how many guys I see, especially in the 20-35 range are complete p*55@ies.

Could be both! He’s 42.

Frankly, if I would tell him to stop acting like a p55**, it is really unappealing and drains people around you. A person can only handle so much of it before checking out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to insist that he get help. He will absolutely resist because the notion of getting help will make his anxiety even worse but you will need to insist. You can try the nice "honey I love you so much" thing but frankly that won't do it. You are going to have to threaten him and threaten him hard. I've been there, there is zero way he will do it if you don't get very harsh because he will fight you as if he's drowning.

Take control and do it today.

I don't know. It sounds like he's OK with asking for help. He might be receptive to this suggestion. His behavior sounds like a "performance" to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to insist that he get help. He will absolutely resist because the notion of getting help will make his anxiety even worse but you will need to insist. You can try the nice "honey I love you so much" thing but frankly that won't do it. You are going to have to threaten him and threaten him hard. I've been there, there is zero way he will do it if you don't get very harsh because he will fight you as if he's drowning.

Take control and do it today.

I don't know. It sounds like he's OK with asking for help. He might be receptive to this suggestion. His behavior sounds like a "performance" to me.

(as if he WANTS you to suggest it)

[Anonymous]

OP, did you give him any reason to mistrust you? Had an affair?

If you were a DH posting about your DW's insecurities, I suspect lots of responses would ask that question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, did you give him any reason to mistrust you? Had an affair?

If you were a DH posting about your DW's insecurities, I suspect lots of responses would ask that question.

No, nothing like that at all. His ex did cheat on him several times but that was over 12 years ago (before we met).

[Anonymous]

What OP describes goes beyond lack of trust. I'd bet on a deeply-seated psychological issues stemming from well before his failed relationship with the ex.

[Anonymous]

He's mentally ill, OP, and there could also be a physical basis for his behavior as well, such as a thyroid imbalance.

Please get him checked out ASAP by his doctor, who after eliminating physical causes will refer him to a psychologist or psychiatrist.

This is serious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, his behavior reminds me of my father's, and that story has a rather sad ending. DH needs counseling.

What happened to him?