Here is what I want Siblings to understand about Supporting our Elderly Parents

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, op. We’re not there yet, but I can imagine this being our experience in the future since both sets of grandparents are local.

I did however get yelled at and blamed bc my child was sick and grandpa doesn’t handle stress well, so it’s not bad enough dealing with the sick child and all other stresses, now I need to be yelled at and blamed and given nonsensical threats.

[Anonymous]

OP, your story sounds like my grandmother's. She was responsible for caring for her mother who had lived in the same building. She had 5 other siblings but most of them (who all lived locally) basically told her they had no time to help her out. She was the youngest, so maybe that was the reason it all fell on her shoulders. Eventually, things got so bad that she asked them to all sign papers to put their mother in a nursing home. For whatever reason, the uninvolved siblings said no. They refused to help out. Not sure what the story was exactly but basically, they all had to agree to the nursing home. Maybe she needed them to cough up some of the money back in the 1970s?

What would happen if you said to them this is getting to be a lot? Caring for someone else can wear someone down mentally and physically. That's why people pay home health aides to lift up people to help them bathe, because someone in their 50s even 40s, could permanently injure themselves and then what-- you have two disabled people.

Remember, there's no shame in saying this is too much. I'd expect my own kids to do the same. Alas, that's why many of us plan for retirement. I highly doubt you were put on this earth to spend the rest of your life being a home health aide and emotional punching bag for your parents. I hope your siblings agree.

Did you parents make any plans for themselves? Is there a nearby facility they always thought looked very nice that some friends are living in now like a senior living complex that will take them to doctors, help them with perscriptions... often times, older people, similar to children, will be more polite and accommodating with non-family members. Your parents may be more reasonable with a social worker than with you, for example. Would your siblings agree? Again, there's no shame in telling them you've reached your limit.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. When I married my husband, he was 42 and had never married because he had spent so many years caring for his bedridden mother and sister. (His sister passed away just before our wedding). I moved into his mother's house with my kids, knowing exactly what responsibilities I would be taking on. He had never found anyone who would? even date him long-term because he had to care for them, and I love him enough that I am willing to do anything to help him. Together we cared for his mother until she passed away at home 4 years ago. (We had called hospice in, and wanted to make her as comfortable as possible). It was a lot of work, and his brother, who lived just down the street, would occasionally drop by, but he couldn't be depended on to help. He never criticized, though, because he knew that I would go off on him. I hope it gets better for you, and that your siblings realize how hard it really is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I've posted recently about dealing with aging parents and being the adult child who lives closest. I get that some of those who don't live closer sometimes feel like they have to walk on eggshells and want to know what they can do to help. In my case it isn't about the physical help as much as it is about being treated like the hired help. However here is something I have tried to explain to my own siblings that I hope helps someone else out there. i am sl also wondering if my experience is unique or relatable.

You are dealing with someone who is the brunt of the aging parent's wrath. When mom decides the day of her doctor's appointment she isn't in the mood I still have to make sure she goes. When you call from afar or even visit she is on her bet behavior. When she deals with me she is way too comfortable lashing out.

Oh you say, get some hired help or have dad take some happy meds? Please, I beg you, try to convince them because if I do it it's another outburst.

What, mom told you she didn't like the doctor I found? Well this is the 4th doctor, all from top schools with top reviews. Please, why don't you find her one and take her there yourself. Maybe she'll feel comfortable enough to last out at you too.

You think dad should see this specialist 2 hours away? Wonderful. how is he supposed to get there? Are you coming to town to do it? Now you've put the idea in his head and he is literally obsessed and brings it up every.time.I.check.on.them.

Guess what? I have kids and a husband and a job. Do you think after getting verbally torn down by our parents I go home to a spa and can just relax? No, and to make matters worse, when i try to relax and take me time YOU call to tell me what else I should be doing. I don't answer. You call again and text and email. Then you wonder why I am so frustrated and say things like :"why don't you come to town and do it yourself." Sometimes siblings call for reassurance. While I might be able to play therapist with you about our aging parents if I had time to take care of myself more, I cannot do that for you. Please don't call me anxious and hysterical because it's so hard to see mom and dad aging when you visit. During that visit, they were on their best behavior with you, refused your help and then as soon you left all they did was complain about you, me, life, aches, liberals, anything.

You are so right on, this happens in many families. As long as you are taking care of them, the sibs are glad to support you from afar. If you can't get them to help your parents more, walk off the job before it ruins your health. Email this topic link to your sibs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is in your situation, exactly. Sometimes the sibling is a family member who is sketchy, but wants control of the money - to end up with every penny - and they do everything (marginally legal and not) to do so. Even if the family has little money, that kind of sibling is certain to sign everything over to themselves, to collect the social security, disability, and benefits from the ailing family member. Not to mention the forged life insurance paid with the unsuspecting and ailing family member's money - the one used for the cheap cremation, instead of a proper burial congruent to the ailing family member's wishes. ("You couldn't spring for a basic casket and viewing with their $100k plus, really?" "You don't know how terrified your parent is of fire?")

In your case, you have a full time job and children to raise. In my friend's case, the sibling has neither a full time job, nor part time job, nor any children - but is still always "so stressed". She is "so stressed" because she is drinking wine for breakfast (started well before the parents lived close), watches The Kardashians all day on her laptop, is addicted to plastic surgery, and has multiple self imposed psych issues, including eating disorders (plural). The plastic surgery fund is from the money she stole from the family, each time a family member passes. So not only does the family member not get proper care while they are alive, but were probably abused, and definitely robbed. All so the sibling can have a new face, new stuff for their house, and new cars to drive. That kind of sibling is despicable, lower than low, and never, ever happy.

In your case, if you are willing to be open, honest, fair and diplomatic with what your ailing family member needs, and are not greedy or with one or many ulterior motives (like the example above, sounds like you are not), try sending your siblings an email, outlining what you need, exactly.

You seem like in your situation, your heart is in the right place, OP. It is extremely difficult when there is deception involved. It seems like your are not being deceptive, but might need to communicate more.

This happened in our family too. The sibling that moved in with the parent to help take care of them (other sibs helped too) ended up with the life insurance and all of the bank accounts. She tried to get on the house deed too, but couldn't figure the process out in time. In her mind it was owed to her. Now no one is speaking to her and the family is broken. These end of life situations can be unfair and ugly. Plan ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not everyone is in your situation, exactly. Sometimes the sibling is a family member who is sketchy, but wants control of the money - to end up with every penny - and they do everything (marginally legal and not) to do so. Even if the family has little money, that kind of sibling is certain to sign everything over to themselves, to collect the social security, disability, and benefits from the ailing family member. Not to mention the forged life insurance paid with the unsuspecting and ailing family member's money - the one used for the cheap cremation, instead of a proper burial congruent to the ailing family member's wishes. ("You couldn't spring for a basic casket and viewing with their $100k plus, really?" "You don't know how terrified your parent is of fire?")

In your case, you have a full time job and children to raise. In my friend's case, the sibling has neither a full time job, nor part time job, nor any children - but is still always "so stressed". She is "so stressed" because she is drinking wine for breakfast (started well before the parents lived close), watches The Kardashians all day on her laptop, is addicted to plastic surgery, and has multiple self imposed psych issues, including eating disorders (plural). The plastic surgery fund is from the money she stole from the family, each time a family member passes. So not only does the family member not get proper care while they are alive, but were probably abused, and definitely robbed. All so the sibling can have a new face, new stuff for their house, and new cars to drive. That kind of sibling is despicable, lower than low, and never, ever happy.

In your case, if you are willing to be open, honest, fair and diplomatic with what your ailing family member needs, and are not greedy or with one or many ulterior motives (like the example above, sounds like you are not), try sending your siblings an email, outlining what you need, exactly.

You seem like in your situation, your heart is in the right place, OP. It is extremely difficult when there is deception involved. It seems like your are not being deceptive, but might need to communicate more.

This happened in our family too. The sibling that moved in with the parent to help take care of them (other sibs helped too) ended up with the life insurance and all of the bank accounts. She tried to get on the house deed too, but couldn't figure the process out in time. In her mind it was owed to her. Now no one is speaking to her and the family is broken. These end of life situations can be unfair and ugly. Plan ahead.

+1

PP here. If your family does not have one sketchy person, be grateful, because if there is one thing that they do know, it is how to work the system to their benefit - they will fill out every last form, so they can take everything and anything. As PP stated, the sketchy sibling thinks it is "owed" them (for no reason - except maybe knowing how to steal money and precious family belongings), and wants to look like some sort of "hero", when they are anything but. It was really, really hard for my friend to go through this, on top of losing their parent.

OP, you need to spell out to your sibling what you need from them. Are they all trustworthy and reasonable (not always the case)?

[Anonymous]

OP, your experience is very relatable to my sister and I who live the closest and have the most interaction with our mother, especially when the parent saves the tongue lashings to those closest to them. It is emotionally exhausting work and basically thankless. If my sister and I did not laugh about it sometimes it would be unbearable.