If you had strict parents...are you strict?

[Anonymous]

Mom was pathologically strict, to the point where my peers were rightly worried about me as a tween / teen. Father was kind, relaxed but truly neutered by Mom. His opinion did. not. matter.

I have extremely high expectations for my 14 yr old's character. I do not mess around and I am completely Old Skool when it comes to communicating my expectations about character.

Everything else? We basically have no rules. We have no punishments, either. I do allow natural consequences though. Like if he forgets a coat, then he's probably going to be super cold on that walk home! Or he stays up too late (I don't set a bedtime), then he'll likely be tired the next morning.

[Anonymous]

My parents were extremely lax, hands-off, consumed with their own lives. Most rules weren’t really enforced or if they were it wasn’t for long. I am stricter than them but not a super strict parent. My kids will never get away with even a quarter of what I did, but they will always know how much I love them.

On the other hand, DH grew up in a very authoritarian household. Not much love or affection. He also is pretty authoritarian but not as much as his parents. And he is loving to our DCs. He recognizes what he wants to give them that he didn’t have. Yet he still believes in spanking which baffles me because he was beaten with a switch. He seems to think he’s better for it.

So it’s kind of a toss up in my house. We both want to strike a balance between doing right what our parents did wrong, and ensuring our kids stay on the up and up. We have different approaches to it though.

[Anonymous]

I am strict on manners, particularly table manners. I am not strict about food. They have to take a taste of new food/dishes but that is all. Strict on study time/homework. All common living areas have to be kept neat but I let them keep their bedrooms however they wish with one exception --NO FOOD IN BEDROOMS

It's their home too and I want them to be happy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I parent like my parents did. Loving, strict about some things, very spiritual and moral, wanted us to try our best. Lots of fun. High expectation about behavior and character.

I am the same as my parents though the times have changed. We grew up in simpler time. Our kids are growing up in the time of internet, social media, multiculturalism and globalization.

Dog whistle alert. Don't you mean *"okay" hand sign multiculturalism* and (((globalization)))?

[Anonymous]

Almost everyone thinks they're "middle of the road."

[Anonymous]

My parenting isn’t black and white now that my kids are older. I’m firm when I need to be and let things slide when it’s not a big deal. I tend to care more about my children’s intentions and motivation for their behavior than the outcome.

For instance my 13 year old and I were messing around and she said in a fake teen voice (not her real teen voice) mom, you’re such an idiot! I knew she was not serious, I knew she wouldn’t do it if she had been serious, and I didn’t want to ruin the fun mood by punishing her. But my MIL heard it and was horrified. “It doesn’t matter if she was playing.” To me, it does. If she’d called me an idiot in anger she could hand over her phone for awhile. She knows not to react with rudeness/violence in anger. That is the value I want to instill, not “never use the word idiot when referring to your mom”.

My own mother would have slapped my face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So having this debate with a friend. Do you do the opposite of your parents?

My parents were pretty strict and put a lot of pressure. It worked well in terms of my “performance” (school, sports, music etc) but I was miserable. Now I’m parent and DH says I’m too flexible ; I’m the fun parent who let her pre-schooler eat ice cream for dinner. As long as it isn’t too dangerous and within the range of acceptable- I’m cool with it. My DH is like “I thought you’d be bad cop. What happened?!”. I just can’t be that rigid...

My friend had absentee parents; she says she “basically raised herself”. She’s extremely strict with her kids now and pushes them to achievements/behavior that she views as ideal. Strict policies on food, activities, behavior and needs kid to be first - first potty trained, to read etc. Her perspective is that if you don’t push, they won’t achieve greatness later. She’s got Ivy’s picked out for her preschooler.

Did you do the same or opposite of your upbringing?

Ivies. Guess your parents weren’t that strict at grammar.

[Anonymous]

I try not to be. I basically do the exact opposite of them.

[Anonymous]

My mother was very strict and I was the wild child that ran away. I swore I'd never be as strict.

Our youngest told me last week the older I get the meaner I get and I'd make my dead mother proud. He then said the next time he sees me will be at my funeral and he hopes I rot in hell.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. My other two also hate me. They all agree money changed their father and I. No it didn't. We just refused to hand over every penny we have to them.

Guess I gotta own it.

[Anonymous]

It's not strict vs lax for me, but more authoritative vs authoritarian. Authoritarian parents stress obedience and use punishment to enforce their own desires. Authoritative parents stress reason and defined/consistent/clear limits. I give my children quite a lot of autonomy as well as clear, defined expectations. I rarely, if ever, use punishment, and we put a lot of energy into communication about emotions -- what they are, appropriate ways to express, how to accept all of them. My goal is building a person vs getting a particular behavior at a certain time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parenting isn’t black and white now that my kids are older. I’m firm when I need to be and let things slide when it’s not a big deal. I tend to care more about my children’s intentions and motivation for their behavior than the outcome.

For instance my 13 year old and I were messing around and she said in a fake teen voice (not her real teen voice) mom, you’re such an idiot! I knew she was not serious, I knew she wouldn’t do it if she had been serious, and I didn’t want to ruin the fun mood by punishing her. But my MIL heard it and was horrified. “It doesn’t matter if she was playing.” To me, it does. If she’d called me an idiot in anger she could hand over her phone for awhile. She knows not to react with rudeness/violence in anger. That is the value I want to instill, not “never use the word idiot when referring to your mom”.

My own mother would have slapped my face.

This would have not been okay with me. Calling me or anyone else an idiot would be grounds for a stern talking-to. It's rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was very strict and I was the wild child that ran away. I swore I'd never be as strict.

Our youngest told me last week the older I get the meaner I get and I'd make my dead mother proud. He then said the next time he sees me will be at my funeral and he hopes I rot in hell.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. My other two also hate me. They all agree money changed their father and I. No it didn't. We just refused to hand over every penny we have to them.

Guess I gotta own it.

Your post makes no sense. Mean has nothing to do with money. That is being selfish. Its one thing to help pay for college if you can and instead choose not to and leave them in huge debt vs. buying them a new car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parenting isn’t black and white now that my kids are older. I’m firm when I need to be and let things slide when it’s not a big deal. I tend to care more about my children’s intentions and motivation for their behavior than the outcome.

For instance my 13 year old and I were messing around and she said in a fake teen voice (not her real teen voice) mom, you’re such an idiot! I knew she was not serious, I knew she wouldn’t do it if she had been serious, and I didn’t want to ruin the fun mood by punishing her. But my MIL heard it and was horrified. “It doesn’t matter if she was playing.” To me, it does. If she’d called me an idiot in anger she could hand over her phone for awhile. She knows not to react with rudeness/violence in anger. That is the value I want to instill, not “never use the word idiot when referring to your mom”.

My own mother would have slapped my face.

This would have not been okay with me. Calling me or anyone else an idiot would be grounds for a stern talking-to. It's rude.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I parent like my parents did. Loving, strict about some things, very spiritual and moral, wanted us to try our best. Lots of fun. High expectation about behavior and character.

I am the same as my parents though the times have changed. We grew up in simpler time. Our kids are growing up in the time of internet, social media, multiculturalism and globalization.

Dog whistle alert. Don't you mean *"okay" hand sign multiculturalism* and (((globalization)))?

What does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I parent like my parents did. Loving, strict about some things, very spiritual and moral, wanted us to try our best. Lots of fun. High expectation about behavior and character.

I am the same as my parents though the times have changed. We grew up in simpler time. Our kids are growing up in the time of internet, social media, multiculturalism and globalization.

Dog whistle alert. Don't you mean *"okay" hand sign multiculturalism* and (((globalization)))?

What does this mean?

It means the first PP is a white supremacist anti-semite.